I haven\u2019t been writing much about my personal life lately. I know that one of the things I was good at, until recently, was taking an honest look at my personal life and identifying moments of grace and areas where I needed to grow in virtue.<\/p>\n
I haven\u2019t been able to really look at my life lately because just living it is so exhausting. It\u2019s harder than I could have imagined to be without the Ogre. Some things are wonderful. I love living with my brother-in-law and sister-in-law, spending time with my nephews, and beginning to develop a sense of order in the midst of chaos. I love being able to see my friends, having a sense of community again, and being able to drop off the children with my parents. I love being able to go see a movie with my mom or have dinner with the Ogre\u2019s parents. But things didn\u2019t really work out with us moving in with my grandfather, and we\u2019re a 45 minute drive from him now. I wish things were different. I wish we could see him more often. I feel like I let him down.<\/p>\n
I feel like I\u2019m letting my family down left and right these days. I made an appointment with a therapist, finally, because the stress of it all was actually making me wonder if I was losing my mind. The Ogre couldn\u2019t keep fielding hysterical phone calls at 3 am. The children couldn\u2019t keep living life wondering if their mother was going to hug them or scream at them or just sit down and cry. Liam, for a few days, crawled away from me every time I walked toward him. I reached a breaking point, and broke.<\/p>\n
We don\u2019t have money for therapy. My family needs me to be stronger than I\u2019m being right now, and I\u2019m failing them.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m failing you guys too. I haven\u2019t posted anything good in a while, and even the thought of pulling up a new post makes me nauseous. I want to be able to blog the way I used to, and feel good about it. But I feel like I have stage fright. I feel like I can\u2019t handle any more rejection, any more failure.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m too tired to put on a brave face and pretend things are going well. They\u2019re not. And I owe you more than what I\u2019ve been giving you\u2026this mask, this persona, this pretend person who can handle things with good humor and grace. Grace is coming in a tiny trickle for me right now, and good humor is almost impossible to force myself into.<\/p>\n
So I\u2019m putting things on hold for a few days. I hope it\u2019s just a few days. It may be less, or more, but I hope you\u2019ll understand and forgive me.<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I haven\u2019t been writing much about my personal life lately. I know that one of the things I was good at, until recently, was taking an honest look at my personal life and identifying moments of grace and areas where I needed to grow in virtue. I haven\u2019t been able to really look at my […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1110,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-182","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"yoast_head":"\n