{"id":271,"date":"2011-04-06T16:32:00","date_gmt":"2011-04-06T16:32:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/barefootandpregnant\/2011\/04\/the-return-of-the-spank\/"},"modified":"2016-10-10T11:53:56","modified_gmt":"2016-10-10T15:53:56","slug":"the-return-of-the-spank","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/barefootandpregnant\/2011\/04\/the-return-of-the-spank.html","title":{"rendered":"The Return of the Spank"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

My children are lucky to be alive today.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n
<\/a><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Don\u2019t let those innocent faces fool you.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<\/tbody>\n<\/table>\n

\u00a0Seriously. I am shocked that the Ogre didn\u2019t construct iron rails across their bedroom door last night in his fury. And if he had, they totally would have deserved it.<\/p>\n

I think I\u2019ve mentioned before that the Ogre really possesses the cool head in our family. His reactions to our children\u2019s mischief are calm, measured, thoughtful and, like the proverbial oak tree, unyielding. Mine tend to be slightly hysterical, hasty, and high-pitched.<\/p>\n

But last night, our children finally managed to chop down the oak tree.<\/p>\n

First, a little background. I long operated under the \u201cspare the rod, spoil the child\u201d philosophy, but one day, when I raised my hand to give Sienna something, she flinched. I realized that my child was afraid of me, but even worse, that I had been spanking her in anger, and so I resolved to spank no more. I began to explore \u201cgentle parenting\u201d and tried my hand with a variety of different techniques.<\/p>\n

For the curious, my daughter is no longer afraid of me. She also no longer obeys me, and neither does her two-year-old sister. But the colossal failure of my experiments in discipline was never more apparent than last night. <\/p>\n

I\u2019ve been staying up late the last few nights. Between hanging out with my sister and dealing with totally wonky sleep schedules after our week of battling the plague, my usual 11 o\u2019clock bedtime has looked a lot more like 2 o\u2019clock. Unfortunately, the children\u2019s blasted little internal clocks still have them smiling infuriatingly at me at 7 am, so sleep has been sparse. Last night, I was determined to get in bed on time, and so was the Ogre. We are craving normality and a return to a more structured life, so at precisely 10:45 I put away the ring I was making, turned off Chuck <\/i>(after blowing a kiss to Zachary Levi, which the Ogre graciously pretended not to notice), washed my face and literally hopped in bed, so giddy was I about the prospect of a full night\u2019s sleep. <\/p>\n

I fell asleep mid-\u201cOur Father\u201d and slept deeply and peacefully until 1:40, when I woke up and shifted over so the Ogre could climb in bed beside me. It was so nice, lying in bed with my arms around my little boy and my husband\u2019s arms around us both. So peaceful.<\/p>\n

Until about four minutes later. Just as we were both drifting off, we heard a loud, hysterical sobbing \u201cDaddddddyyyyyyy<\/i> (hiccup, hiccup) yyyyyyyyyyyy<\/i>\u201d emanating from my husband\u2019s tow-headed, miniscule female clone in the other room. The Ogre, ever patient, sighed only briefly before throwing the covers off and going to soothe our youngest daughter back into sleep.<\/p>\n

This next part is a blur, because I was mostly either asleep or sleep-walking through it, but here\u2019s what I remember, preceeded by the numbers that I noticed on the clock.<\/p>\n

2:15<\/b>: The Ogre comes back to bed, snuggles up against me again. Liam wakes up, begins to kick and squirm.<\/p>\n

2:20<\/span><\/b>: \u201cDaddddyyyyy<\/i> (hiccup) yyyyyyy<\/i>!\u201d<\/p>\n

2:21<\/b>: I whisper, \u201cI got this\u201d to the Ogre, remembering my Lenten promise to myself to be more helpful with the kids at night, and go deal with Charlotte, but not before nearly falling on Liam while groggily clambering over the Ogre. Liam\u2019s eyes open, and I try not to think about what this will mean in the immediate future.<\/p>\n

2:23<\/b>: I lay down between Charlotte and Sienna, soothing Charlotte and whispering a little lullaby to get her back to sleep. Sienna remains in a near-comatose state, thank goodness.<\/p>\n

2:45<\/b>: My eyes snap open and I realize that full-fledged wails are floating down the hallway. Hastily climb out of bed to go take care of Liam, but not before noticing that Charlotte\u2019s eyes are wide open and following me.<\/p>\n

2:55<\/span><\/b>: Realize, after nursing Liam, that he considers being awake at 3 am a rare treat and is determined to make the most of it. The Ogre and I stare at each other, panic-stricken, as Liam begins to babble happily and grab our noses.<\/p>\n

2:56<\/span><\/b>: \u201cDaddddyyyyyyyy<\/i>!\u201d<\/p>\n

2:57<\/b>: I volunteer to take Liam in the other room and bounce him, but the Ogre, ever gallant, insists on doing it instead. I glance at the clock. He glances at the clock. I remind him that he has to teach in several hours. He nods and picks up the baby. I relent, because I love sleeping, and go soothe Charlotte, then return to the glorious bed. <\/p>\n

3:25<\/span><\/b>: The Ogre returns Liam to bed and climbs in himself. Liam seems moderately more tired, but my mommy senses tell me that this kid won\u2019t be sleeping for at least another hour. I say nothing, but determine to wait until the Ogre is settled before taking Liam out.<\/p>\n

3:26<\/b>: \u201cDadd <\/i>(hiccup) ddyyyyyyyyyyyy<\/i>!\u201d <\/p>\n

3:27<\/span><\/b>: The Ogre sighs, heavily and audibly, and goes to deal with Charlotte. I beg Liam, in whispers, to please be a good baby and go to sleep. He babbles, giggles, flips onto his tummy and lets out a high-pitched, gleeful squeal.<\/p>\n

3:35<\/b>: The Ogre returns, climbs in bed, and flips over, angrily facing away from me.<\/p>\n

3:45<\/b>: \u201cDadddddyyyyyyyyyy<\/i>!\u201d<\/p>\n

3:46<\/b>: I hastily intervene, leaving Liam where he is with a toy, and go to deal with Charlotte. I tell her, in no uncertain terms, that she better go to sleep right this second or she\u2019ll get a spanking. I notice that blessed Sienna is still sleeping soundly. Charlotte looks frightened, so I give her a kiss and then reiterate that she is not to call out again. She nods and turns over.<\/p>\n

3:50<\/b>: I meet the Ogre at the doorway to our room. He is holding Liam, who\u2019s trying to grab his nose, and is visibly furious. \u201cIs she asleep?\u201d he asks. \u201cNo,\u201d I report, taking Liam, \u201cbut she\u2019s not going to call out again. Come on, let\u2019s go to bed.\u201d<\/p>\n

4:01<\/b>: We are all three settled in bed. Liam is nursing happily and rubbing his eyes. I breathe a little sigh of relief, thinking that I\u2019d let the Ogre sleep in a bit in the morning, and no one would be too much the worse for wear.<\/p>\n

4:02<\/b>: Bang<\/i>. The door to the girls\u2019 bedroom slams open, and the Ogre and I roll over to see poor Sienna standing in the middle of the hall, blurry-eyed and disoriented. \u201cI have to use the bathroom,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n

4:03<\/b>: \u201cMommmmmmyyyyyyyyyyyyyy (hiccup, hiccup)!\u201d<\/p>\n

4:04<\/b>: \u201cThat\u2019s it!\u201d the Ogre thunders. \u201cEveryone, back to bed!\u201d Liam jerks awake and begins crying in earnest. As the Ogre herds the girls back to their room, I get up, put on slippers, and prepare to put Liam back to sleep in the other room so my poor husband can at least get a few hours of sleep. He doesn\u2019t even argue with me, he\u2019s so exhausted.<\/p>\n

After a solid hour of rocking Liam, he finally drifts off against my shoulder. I prepare to stand and go climb in bed, when a small voice at my elbow says, \u201cMommy? I don\u2019t feel good.\u201d<\/p>\n

There\u2019s Sienna, looking for all the world like she\u2019s going to puke. I ask her if she\u2019s going to throw up and when she says no, I take her temperature, give her some water, and send her back to bed.<\/p>\n

Of course, this exchange wakes Liam up. I finally manage to get him back to sleep around 5:30, and curl up in bed myself.<\/p>\n

Only to be awoken a half-hour later by Charlotte, who\u2019s cheerily sitting on top of me, saying, \u201cMorya (morning), Mama!\u201d<\/p>\n

Oh yeah. That happened. It was awful, and I announced to the Ogre this morning that these kids are going to get the spankings of their lives if they even think about calling out or getting out of bed tonight. He agreed.<\/p>\n

And so, even though I\u2019ve been trying not to spank my children, even though I\u2019ve been trying my hand at \u201cgentle parenting\u201d, even though I\u2019ve been (unsuccessfully, I might add) using diversions, time-outs, and loss of privileges as punishments, it comes down to this. Loss of sleep in absurd proportions is our limit, it seems.<\/p>\n

And so, around 8 pm Pacific time tonight, it.is.on. Those kids will keep their little behinds in that bed, and their precious little mouths firmly closed, or it\u2019s going to be like WWE in our house. I am not afraid to put a two-year-old in a headlock.<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

My children are lucky to be alive today. Don\u2019t let those innocent faces fool you. \u00a0Seriously. I am shocked that the Ogre didn\u2019t construct iron rails across their bedroom door last night in his fury. And if he had, they totally would have deserved it. I think I\u2019ve mentioned before that the Ogre really possesses […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1110,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-271","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"yoast_head":"\nThe Return of the Spank<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"My children are lucky to be alive today.Don't let those innocent faces fool you. Seriously. 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