{"id":2967,"date":"2014-03-13T12:04:40","date_gmt":"2014-03-13T16:04:40","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/barefootandpregnant\/?p=2967"},"modified":"2015-02-16T14:10:51","modified_gmt":"2015-02-16T19:10:51","slug":"im-not-dead-yet","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/barefootandpregnant\/2014\/03\/im-not-dead-yet.html","title":{"rendered":"I’m Not Dead Yet!"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

Just in case you were worried:<\/p>\n<\/iframe>\nI\u2019m not quite fine, but I have been busy<\/p>\n<figure id=\"attachment_2970\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-2970\" style=\"width: 321px\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/225\/2014\/03\/red-hair2.jpg\" class=\" decorated-link\" target=\"_blank\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"size-full wp-image-2970\" title=\"red hair\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/225\/2014\/03\/red-hair2-e1394721309123.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"321\" height=\"384\"><\/a><figcaption id=\"caption-attachment-2970\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">Chopping my hair off<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<figure id=\"attachment_2971\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-2971\" style=\"width: 462px\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/225\/2014\/03\/red-hair-side.jpg\" class=\" decorated-link\" target=\"_blank\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"size-full wp-image-2971\" title=\"red hair side\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/225\/2014\/03\/red-hair-side.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"462\" height=\"260\"><\/a><figcaption id=\"caption-attachment-2971\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">Streaking it with red<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<figure id=\"attachment_2972\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-2972\" style=\"width: 432px\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/225\/2014\/03\/Mommy-Linc-Beach.jpg\" class=\" decorated-link\" target=\"_blank\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\" wp-image-2972 \" title=\"Mommy-Linc Beach\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/225\/2014\/03\/Mommy-Linc-Beach.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"432\" height=\"576\"><\/a><figcaption id=\"caption-attachment-2972\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">Hanging out at the beach<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<figure id=\"attachment_2973\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-2973\" style=\"width: 322px\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/225\/2014\/03\/The-Ogre-36th-birthday.jpg\" class=\" decorated-link\" target=\"_blank\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\" wp-image-2973 \" title=\"The Ogre 36th birthday\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/225\/2014\/03\/The-Ogre-36th-birthday.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"322\" height=\"573\"><\/a><figcaption id=\"caption-attachment-2973\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">Celebrating the Ogre\u2019s 36th birthday<\/figcaption><\/figure>\nand hanging out with my mother-in-law, my mom, and my sister, who have taken turns visiting us the past few weeks. (Somehow I didn\u2019t manage to get pictures of that.)<\/p>\nThat\u2019s the Hallmark version. The not-so-made-for-TV version can be summed up pretty well in this one email, straight from my typing fingers to the Ogre\u2019s inbox.<\/p>\n<blockquote>Subject: Sorry to say<\/p>\nthat under no circumstances will I be joining you for a movie. I will be locking myself in our room with a frivolous Kindle book, at least a bottle of wine, all the chocolate in the house, and probably the rest of the chocolate donuts too. My evening has included a dog eating a baby\u2019s poop, a baby eating his own poop, a dog licking a baby\u2019s poopy bottom and then licking my mouth, a dog jumping on my head, a dog jumping over a baby but not quite clearing the toddler on the other side, a dog running psychotic circles around the house before attacking the broom, children crying, children being metaphorical turds, children being actual turds, children sneaking off to drink ketchup, children screaming about losing dessert, children screaming about losing their ketchup, children losing their toys, children screaming at each other that they\u2019re driving each other insane, me screaming at them that I\u2019m the one who\u2019s really being driven insane, children responding with \u201cbut but but HE\u2019s LOOKING AT MY FACE!\u201d and me finally locking them all in one room and sending you this email. So. I\u2019ll quit drinking tomorrow and all, but for tonight, bottom\u2019s up.<\/p>\nPS: I\u2019ll totally write your dissertation for you if you\u2019ll raise these kids for me.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\u00a0<\/p>\n*NB: Just in case CPS is reading, the poop thing is a TOTAL anomaly that<\/em> directly resulted from the baby learning to remove his own clothes and diaper with no warning. It has not happened since and will not happen again, since I now duct tape his diaper closed. Wait. I\u2019m making this worse, aren\u2019t I? <\/em><\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Just in case you were worried: I\u2019m not quite fine, but I have been busy and hanging out with my mother-in-law, my mom, and my sister, who have taken turns visiting us the past few weeks. (Somehow I didn\u2019t manage to get pictures of that.) That\u2019s the Hallmark version. The not-so-made-for-TV version can be summed […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1110,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[78,26,163],"class_list":["post-2967","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-delightful-absurdity","tag-motherhood","tag-the-minions"],"yoast_head":"\n<title>I'm Not Dead Yet!<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Just in case you were worried: I'm not quite fine, but I have been busy and hanging out with my mother-in-law, my mom, and my sister, who have taken turns\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/barefootandpregnant\/2014\/03\/im-not-dead-yet.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta 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