{"id":350,"date":"2010-12-01T21:01:00","date_gmt":"2010-12-01T21:01:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/barefootandpregnant\/2010\/12\/let-me-count-the-ways\/"},"modified":"2015-01-11T17:29:41","modified_gmt":"2015-01-11T22:29:41","slug":"let-me-count-the-ways","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/barefootandpregnant\/2010\/12\/let-me-count-the-ways.html","title":{"rendered":"Let Me Count the Ways"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

Last week, Simcha <\/a>wrote a post about grace coming in increments.<\/a> The post was written in order to more clearly elucidate the intention behind the Pope\u2019s comments on condoms that made otherwise intelligent people act like blibbering morons<\/a>, but she started it with an illustration about her own struggles with weight loss. That\u2019s the part that stuck with me.<\/p>\n

(Quick disclaimer: it isn\u2019t that I didn\u2019t find her explanation of the Pope\u2019s comments interesting, it\u2019s just that this whole overblown media brouhaha over a statement that is essentially in line with Church teaching and changes absolutely nothing about Catholic moral theology has been so ludicrous that I\u2019ve just been trying to ignore the whole thing. For a great example of how stupid this has been, go see Mark Shea<\/a>.)<\/p>\n

Anyway, in the post Simcha talks about having to be more gentle with herself in her efforts to lose weight after the birth of her eighth child. She started a step-by-step process after her usual strategies to snap herself out of the weight gain failed.<\/p>\n

Step two was to admit that I was eating partially (sigh) to punish myself for being fat and weak.\u00a0 (Yeah, that makes sense.)<\/i><\/p>\n

Step three (a big one) was to realize that God doesn\u2019t want me to treat anyone that way.\u00a0 Mothers are so used to dealing out justice and compassion and punishment and rewards, we sometimes forget that we are somebody\u2019s child, too.\u00a0\u00a0 I wouldn\u2019t consciously treat someone I love with contempt and injustice.\u00a0 I don\u2019t love myself, but I know God does, so I\u2019ll work with that.<\/i><\/p>\n

These two paragraphs hit me hard. So hard, in fact, that I actually clicked away from Simcha\u2019s website and didn\u2019t come back for a few days, which is terribly sad because her blog is one of my favorites. But I knew that if I read that post again, or even thought about it, I would have to face one of my deepest, darkest battles.<\/p>\n

I couldn\u2019t hide from my self-loathing for long, though. After the dust from Thanksgiving settled, I found myself mentally preparing for our upcoming trip to Texas. Mentally preparing quickly devolved into having a complete and total nervous breakdown.<\/p>\n

The Ogre\u2019s father, the Ever-Teacher, is very concerned about his family\u2019s weight. He sees excess weight as evidence of an interior dearth of temperance, and not a visit goes by that the topic of weight doesn\u2019t come up. Usually this isn\u2019t too big of a deal; I\u2019m generally always at least slightly overweight, but I\u2019m always working on it and that\u2019s all he wants. This time, however, the prospect of a conversation about my weight has been nothing short of terrifying. I\u2019m heavier right now than I\u2019ve ever been, and despite my earnest attempts to lose this weight it\u2019s been a more difficult road than ever before. Running (before I broke my toe), banning sugar, limiting portions, doing sit-ups, taking disgusting supplements of cod-liver and coconut oils, increasing vegetables and decreasing carbs only brought me down four excruciating pounds, which came back on more quickly than I would have believed post-Thanksgiving. After hysterical threats to the Ogre to cancel our trip, one tearful phone call to my sister-in-law, and a half-mad plot to eat not a single carb until we got to Texas (which was quickly foiled when I remembered that I\u2019m still nursing two children), I finally laid in bed last night and cried. These were different tears, though; they weren\u2019t tears of anger, frustration, hysteria, or self-hatred; they were tears of defeat. Silent tears, unaccompanied by sobs or hiccups, just slid down my cheeks as if of their own volition.<\/p>\n

I couldn\u2019t stop thinking about Simcha\u2019s words.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s humiliating to go so easy on myself.\u00a0 It\u2019s distressing to realize I need such gentle treatment.<\/i>
\n <\/i>
\nWhen I first read those words, I couldn\u2019t even comprehend them. Gentle treatment? Like that would accomplish anything! I\u2019m so used to punishing myself, hating myself, berating myself into not eating or running just another half-mile. I\u2019ve spent years looking in the mirror and hating what I see, but forcing myself to stare, cataloging every ripple and roll as mental ammunition to use against myself the next time I\u2019m tempted to reach for the ice cream. Lately, though, these guerilla tactics have failed me, much as Simcha\u2019s failed her. The last few months since Liam\u2019s birth I\u2019ve found myself avoiding the mirror, consciously not looking at myself. I\u2019ve stopped wearing make-up, stopped putting on jewelry, even stopped curling my hair, all to avoid looking at myself any longer than is absolutely necessary. I\u2019ve started dreading Sundays because Mass means that I can\u2019t just throw on my one pair of jeans that fit and one of the Ogre\u2019s sweaters. I\u2019ve started avoiding conversations with other mothers, because if one more person tells me that breastfeeding helps ALL WOMEN lose weight I\u2019ll be jailed for homicide. And when I do have to confront myself, when for whatever reason that glimpse into the mirror has to last more than two seconds, I have to stop myself from smashing my fist against the glass in sheer disgust.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s been exhausting, hating myself this much. It\u2019s not like I\u2019m not used to it; I\u2019ve practiced self-loathing for years. But this time the hatred just went so much deeper that the only thing I could do to keep my sanity was try to pretend it wasn\u2019t there. And when I couldn\u2019t pretend, I lashed out, verbally, at myself.<\/p>\n

It was as bag-lady-crazy as it sounds; so crazy, in fact, that the Ogre screamed at me at one point and made me leave the house until I regained control. His oft-repeated protestation that he would never let someone else treat me the way I treat myself became a demand: stop doing this to yourself, or leave.<\/p>\n

Finally last night I just gave up. I looked in the mirror and resigned myself to being fat. I resigned myself to knowing that I would not be able to miraculously lose twenty pounds before going home. I resigned myself to hearing about my weight, and enduring the looks I would get from people I hadn\u2019t seen in a year. Then I went to bed in utter defeat.<\/p>\n

As I lie in bed, the silent tears ran from my cheeks onto Liam\u2019s sleeping head, and I had the strangest thought I\u2019ve ever had.<\/p>\n

Your body has been so kind to you. It\u2019s given you so much. Why can\u2019t you treat it with the same generosity?<\/i><\/p>\n

This thought was so foreign to me that it cannot have been anything other than God. At first, I couldn\u2019t even unravel the meaning of it. What in the world had my body given me? A whole hell of a lot of trouble and grief, that\u2019s what. It holds onto weight as if the apocalypse were coming tomorrow; it plumps up considerably during breastfeeding; it refuses to accept that stomachs should be flat. It is awkward, unwieldy, unattractive and embarrassing. It is my enemy.
\n <\/i>
\n <\/i>But what a strange sort of enemy! After all, it has never let me down. It\u2019s withstood asthma, surgeries, and rounds of antibiotics and steroids. It\u2019s recovered from sleepless, caffeine and nicotine-laden college nights. It\u2019s kept three little people safe and healthy while they were being formed. It\u2019s ushered them into the world in less than 20 hours combined with nary a complication. It\u2019s provided them with nourishing, limitless milk well into toddlerhood.<\/p>\n

Maybe I should stop trying to beat it into submission. Maybe I should stop trying to punish and starve it into the shape I want it to be. Maybe I should stop being disgusted when I see the stretch marks that prove my womb was able to keep my children healthy and help them grow. Maybe I should show my body the same respect that it\u2019s always shown me.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m not saying it\u2019s going to be easy to break a fifteen-year habit of solid self-loathing, but it\u2019s about time I try. Instead of starving myself or running until I\u2019m dizzy, I think I\u2019ll just treat my body well. I\u2019ll give it nourishing food instead of loading it up with sweets because after all it\u2019s done for me, it deserves to be taken care of. I\u2019ll run and walk and do sit-ups because I feel better, healthier and stronger when I do those things, not because I desperately want to be able to wear a bikini again before I die.<\/p>\n

All this self-reflection on my body has made me consider how strange it is, the way I think of myself as two separate entities: body and soul. But that isn\u2019t how we\u2019re made. We\u2019re inextricably intertwined; the human essence is both body and soul. Without one, the other cannot be. I can\u2019t hate the one and expect the other to be able to go on. Likewise, I can\u2019t neglect the one and expect the other to function as it should. Perhaps it\u2019s also time to work on my soul. Virtues like temperance have always slid under my radar. I\u2019m so consumed with the big, flashy ones, the ones that effect those around me. Patience, fortitude, chastity, mercy; those are the virtues that I practice, that I pray for, that I agonize about. But after all, what are any of those without temperance? Even virtues need to be moderated, less they tumble over into scrupulosity.<\/p>\n

So these are my goals for Advent, goals that I will keep in mind as I wait in hope and faith for the celebration of the birth of our Savior. To treat myself with kindness and mercy, as I would treat anyone else. To remember that I am not a soul inhabiting an unruly and untamed body, but that I am both body and soul. To be aware that the one cannot work without the other, and to work on the virtue that I need the most to govern both my body and my soul, temperance. It\u2019s a long, lengthy list of goals, and I\u2019m fairly certain that I\u2019ll be working on these goals until the day I die. But for now, it\u2019s enough to have recognized them and started on the journey.<\/p>\n

(Thanks again to Simcha for her wonderful post that prompted all this self-reflection.)<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Last week, Simcha wrote a post about grace coming in increments. The post was written in order to more clearly elucidate the intention behind the Pope\u2019s comments on condoms that made otherwise intelligent people act like blibbering morons, but she started it with an illustration about her own struggles with weight loss. That\u2019s the part […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1110,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[16,89,200],"class_list":["post-350","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-grace","tag-lessons-in-virtue","tag-weiight"],"yoast_head":"\nLet Me Count the Ways<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Last week, Simcha wrote a post about grace coming in increments. The post was written in order to more clearly elucidate the intention behind the Pope's\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/barefootandpregnant\/2010\/12\/let-me-count-the-ways.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Let Me Count the Ways\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Last week, Simcha wrote a post about grace coming in increments. The post was written in order to more clearly elucidate the intention behind the Pope's\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/barefootandpregnant\/2010\/12\/let-me-count-the-ways.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Barefoot and Pregnant\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2010-12-01T21:01:00+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2015-01-11T22:29:41+00:00\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Calah Alexander\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Calah Alexander\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"9 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/barefootandpregnant\/2010\/12\/let-me-count-the-ways.html\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/barefootandpregnant\/2010\/12\/let-me-count-the-ways.html\",\"name\":\"Let Me Count the Ways\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/barefootandpregnant\/#website\"},\"datePublished\":\"2010-12-01T21:01:00+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2015-01-11T22:29:41+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/barefootandpregnant\/#\/schema\/person\/cbd5af11d9f73881b801bf2e07eb8757\"},\"description\":\"Last week, Simcha wrote a post about grace coming in increments. The post was written in order to more clearly elucidate the intention behind the Pope's\",\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/barefootandpregnant\/2010\/12\/let-me-count-the-ways.html#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/barefootandpregnant\/2010\/12\/let-me-count-the-ways.html\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/barefootandpregnant\/2010\/12\/let-me-count-the-ways.html#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/barefootandpregnant\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"Let Me Count the Ways\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/barefootandpregnant\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/barefootandpregnant\/\",\"name\":\"Barefoot and Pregnant\",\"description\":\"\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/barefootandpregnant\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":\"required name=search_term_string\"}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"Person\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/barefootandpregnant\/#\/schema\/person\/cbd5af11d9f73881b801bf2e07eb8757\",\"name\":\"Calah Alexander\",\"image\":{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/barefootandpregnant\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/cf23055e0549e8c78beb5077e949befd?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/cf23055e0549e8c78beb5077e949befd?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"caption\":\"Calah Alexander\"},\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/barefootandpregnant\/author\/calahalexander\"}]}<\/script>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"Let Me Count the Ways","description":"Last week, Simcha wrote a post about grace coming in increments. The post was written in order to more clearly elucidate the intention behind the Pope's","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/barefootandpregnant\/2010\/12\/let-me-count-the-ways.html","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"Let Me Count the Ways","og_description":"Last week, Simcha wrote a post about grace coming in increments. The post was written in order to more clearly elucidate the intention behind the Pope's","og_url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/barefootandpregnant\/2010\/12\/let-me-count-the-ways.html","og_site_name":"Barefoot and Pregnant","article_published_time":"2010-12-01T21:01:00+00:00","article_modified_time":"2015-01-11T22:29:41+00:00","author":"Calah Alexander","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","twitter_misc":{"Written by":"Calah Alexander","Est. reading time":"9 minutes"},"schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/barefootandpregnant\/2010\/12\/let-me-count-the-ways.html","url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/barefootandpregnant\/2010\/12\/let-me-count-the-ways.html","name":"Let Me Count the Ways","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/barefootandpregnant\/#website"},"datePublished":"2010-12-01T21:01:00+00:00","dateModified":"2015-01-11T22:29:41+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/barefootandpregnant\/#\/schema\/person\/cbd5af11d9f73881b801bf2e07eb8757"},"description":"Last week, Simcha wrote a post about grace coming in increments. The post was written in order to more clearly elucidate the intention behind the Pope's","breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/barefootandpregnant\/2010\/12\/let-me-count-the-ways.html#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/barefootandpregnant\/2010\/12\/let-me-count-the-ways.html"]}]},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/barefootandpregnant\/2010\/12\/let-me-count-the-ways.html#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/barefootandpregnant"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"Let Me Count the Ways"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/barefootandpregnant\/#website","url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/barefootandpregnant\/","name":"Barefoot and Pregnant","description":"","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/barefootandpregnant\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":"required name=search_term_string"}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/barefootandpregnant\/#\/schema\/person\/cbd5af11d9f73881b801bf2e07eb8757","name":"Calah Alexander","image":{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/barefootandpregnant\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/","url":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/cf23055e0549e8c78beb5077e949befd?s=96&d=mm&r=g","contentUrl":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/cf23055e0549e8c78beb5077e949befd?s=96&d=mm&r=g","caption":"Calah Alexander"},"url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/barefootandpregnant\/author\/calahalexander"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/barefootandpregnant\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/350","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/barefootandpregnant\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/barefootandpregnant\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/barefootandpregnant\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1110"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/barefootandpregnant\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=350"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/barefootandpregnant\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/350\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/barefootandpregnant\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=350"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/barefootandpregnant\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=350"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/barefootandpregnant\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=350"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}