Roswell<\/em>, Sheriff Valenti knew he was lying about putting the fire out with water because water causes grease fires to get bigger<\/strong><\/li>\n<\/ul>\nThat was it. That was all I could think of.<\/p>\n
I totally understand why people have fire drills and safety plans and emergency exit preparation tattoos, because in the face of unexpected fire we basically resort to being Neanderthals.<\/p>\n
Maybe you don\u2019t, but I do. I stood there going \u201cgah\u2026guh\u2026the fire\u2026there\u2019s a fire!\u2026holy\u2026fire\u2026\u201d before my brain snapped like an overstreched rubber band I started screaming \u201cGET OUT OF THE HOUSE BOYS THERE\u2019S A FIRE GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT!!!!!!!!\u201d<\/p>\n
This was a watershed moment for me. It was the moment in which I learned why it\u2019s vital not to yell at your children too much, because when I finally took my eyes off the fire long enough to make sure they were running for the door, Lincoln was blinking sleepily and tipping slowly over in his chair, and Liam was all, \u201cHey Mom, you made a fire!\u201d<\/p>\n
By this point I was trying to weigh my options. It seemed to me that the flames were getting bigger, and I didn\u2019t think I had time to google \u201chow to put out a grease fire.\u201d I also didn\u2019t think it would be responsible to abandon a fire that was, at the moment, still contained to the pan (as long as you didn\u2019t count the 6-feet-high flames shooting out of the pan). I needed to get my phone to call the fire department and get the boys out of the house, but my phone and the boys were in opposite directions. My brain\u2019s panic button rendered me absolutely frozen, unable to accomplish either task, and I stood rooted to the kitchen floor, staring at the fire and stammering, for what felt like a century.<\/p>\n
It was probably only about 2 seconds, though, before my hand moved \u2014 completely independently of conscious thought or intent \u2014 and snapped off the burner.<\/p>\n
Yeah, that\u2019s right. That whole time that flames were shooting out of the pan like it was a tiny metal Vesuvius, the burner was still on high<\/em>.<\/p>\nMy hand was on a roll, so I kept watching as it slid the fire-making death-pan off the stove and onto a rack on the counter. The flames instantly subsided, and in the course of a few minutes, had extinguished themselves entirely.<\/p>\n
I actually stood in the kitchen and watched the flames go out, feeling like I had just conquered some primal force of nature without even meaning to.<\/p>\n
After my brain started functioning like a grown-up, though, I immediately ascertained the damage. The microwave was not damaged, thank God, nor were the cabinets, and I scrubbed all the black stuff off pretty easily.<\/p>\n
The pan survived, with the help of some steel wool, which is good because it\u2019s my favorite and I use it every day. Dinner wasn\u2019t ruined either, since I hadn\u2019t actually started cooking yet.<\/p>\n
My day was shot though, and my nerves frazzled beyond repair. A cup of tea helped me pull it together enough to go to our playdate an hour late, which is pretty standard for me actually, so I had minimal guilt since my excuse wasn\u2019t an excuse so much as a freaking fire<\/em>.<\/p>\nI\u2019ve learned two important lessons from this experience.<\/p>\n
1) Television can actually save lives. (Thanks, Roswell<\/em>.)<\/p>\n2) Geico ads are grossly misleading, because cavemen figured out fire, and fire is way harder than the internet.<\/p>\n
\u00a0<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Remember how I talked about karma the other day? Remember how when I don\u2019t like something I usually say it should be \u201clit on fire\u201d? Remember when I actually combined those two things in one post? This morning, I was industriously preparing dinner to put in the slow cooker like a good housewife. The sun […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1110,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[78,103],"class_list":["post-3612","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-delightful-absurdity","tag-domesticity"],"yoast_head":"\n
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Remember when I\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/barefootandpregnant\/2014\/08\/i-actually-lit-something-on-fire.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Barefoot and Pregnant\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2014-08-27T19:22:43+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2014-12-29T03:48:33+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"http:\/\/wp.production.patheos.com\/blogs\/barefootandpregnant\/files\/2014\/08\/God-laughing.jpg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Calah Alexander\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Calah Alexander\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"4 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/barefootandpregnant\/2014\/08\/i-actually-lit-something-on-fire.html\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/barefootandpregnant\/2014\/08\/i-actually-lit-something-on-fire.html\",\"name\":\"I Actually Lit Something On Fire\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/barefootandpregnant\/#website\"},\"datePublished\":\"2014-08-27T19:22:43+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2014-12-29T03:48:33+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/barefootandpregnant\/#\/schema\/person\/cbd5af11d9f73881b801bf2e07eb8757\"},\"description\":\"Remember how I talked about karma the other day? 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![\"God](\"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/225\/2014\/08\/God-laughing.jpg\")
<\/a><\/p>\n