![\"Linc\"](\"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/225\/2014\/09\/Linc-e1411068280323.jpg\")
<\/a><\/p>\nDear Mom,<\/p>\n
I know things have been rough between us lately. I know that you have been been emotionally volatile about the direction I\u2019ve chosen to take my life. I understand that you don\u2019t agree with it and that you would prefer I go in a more \u201csocially acceptable\u201d direction. But this is not a decision I have made lightly, and the truth is, it\u2019s a choice I\u2019ve made for you as much as for me.<\/p>\n
Mom, it\u2019s time that you get over yourself and accept my decision to be a nudist.<\/p>\n
The fact that you object to this at all is completely hypocritical. Last night, for instance, you insisted repeatedly that I \u201ccouldn\u2019t walk around naked.\u201d But I have seen many people, over the course of my lifetime, walk around naked! And not just my siblings, whom you also hold to this unfair double standard. How can you possibly insist that we wear clothes when you yourself walk around naked in the shower? I fail to see the difference between being naked in that terrible closet of drowning and being naked anywhere else, except that you know the shower is the only place I will not go. But I\u2019m not falling for that, Mom. I wasn\u2019t born last year, you know.<\/p>\n
In fact, I was observing you pretty carefully last night when you thought I was running deliriously back and forth on the couch. After four instances of me removing my diaper myself (despite your adorable attempts to secure it using combinations of onesies, drawstring shorts, and duct tape), you gave up. I know, because you said to Dad, \u201cI give up.\u201d And do you know what happened then? Everyone was happy.<\/p>\n
Sure, my siblings all ran away from me shouting \u201cew ew ew naked!\u201d Sure, you knocked a glass of wine onto the floor because you were trying to watch me while cleaning the kitchen. Sure, that lady came to the door and I streaked past you and almost made it to the sidewalk. Sure, the dog kept licking my butt.<\/p>\n
But think of the positives, Mom! My siblings running away meant I got the whole couch to myself, without me having to hit them repeatedly! Knocking that wine over meant that the whole floor got a good scrubbing, without me having to smear yogurt all over it! A neighbor seeing me streak meant that you don\u2019t have to announce this decision publicly, since everyone probably already knows! And let\u2019s be honest \u2014 the dog licking my butt was already a positive.<\/p>\n
Since we\u2019re being honest, I think it\u2019s time I tell you that I\u2019ve come to realize that this whole disagreement is your fault. The truth is, Mom, you can\u2019t see the gift I\u2019m giving you. It\u2019s not all that easy to wrestle my way out of a duct-taped diaper that\u2019s under a onesie that\u2019s under shorts and suspenders, you know. But I do it for you, not for me.<\/p>\n
I know that your favorite thing to do is to clean up messes, since you do it all day long. But since you\u2019ve selfishly locked all the cabinets and I can\u2019t open the refrigerator, this is the only way I have of giving you surprise messes to clean. Just like when I stand on a chair at the table and yell, \u201cwawa milk wawa milk wawa milk!\u201d at the top of my lungs while holding a full sippy cup in my hands, or when I lay facedown on the floor kicking my legs and screaming \u201cwace car!\u201d until you bring me the right<\/em> race car, this is one more way for me to give you an opportunity to do your favorite activities. It\u2019s just a small way I\u2019ve found to show you that I love you \u2014 as often as I possibly can.<\/p>\nI\u2019ve long suspected that you don\u2019t love me nearly as much as I love you. This fear is reinforced every night, when you put me into a bed with bars, in a completely different room than the one you\u2019re in, and leave me there for hours. I\u2019ve only barely reached a stage where I can console myself in the face of this blatant abandonment. But if you continue to object to my nudism, it will forever confirm my deepest fear. I will have no choice but to scream all night, every night if I must, until you pick me up and never, ever put me down again.<\/p>\n
Ever<\/em>.<\/p>\nLove,<\/p>\n
your son Lincoln<\/p>\n
\u00a0<\/p>\n
PS: I\u2019ll be two in four days, and for my birthday I\u2019d really like a larger supply of those scented markers my sister put up on the highest shelf in her room yesterday. I\u2019ve eaten all of them already.<\/em><\/p>\n\u00a0<\/p>\n
\u00a0<\/p>\n
\u00a0<\/p>\n
\u00a0<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Dear Mom, I know things have been rough between us lately. I know that you have been been emotionally volatile about the direction I\u2019ve chosen to take my life. I understand that you don\u2019t agree with it and that you would prefer I go in a more \u201csocially acceptable\u201d direction. But this is not a […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1110,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[81,31],"class_list":["post-3665","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-funny-stuff","tag-lincoln"],"yoast_head":"\n
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![\"Linc\"](\"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/225\/2014\/09\/Linc.jpg\")
<\/a><\/p>\n