{"id":3686,"date":"2014-09-23T09:56:49","date_gmt":"2014-09-23T13:56:49","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/admin.patheos.com\/blogs\/barefootandpregnant\/?p=3686"},"modified":"2014-12-28T14:47:52","modified_gmt":"2014-12-28T19:47:52","slug":"a-quick-psa-about-screwing","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/barefootandpregnant\/2014\/09\/a-quick-psa-about-screwing.html","title":{"rendered":"A Quick PSA About Screwing"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

\"screw\"<\/a>
Criminy, people, get your mind out of the gutter!<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/p>

Yesterday was Lincoln\u2019s birthday. He turned two. He had no clue what was happening, he had no expectations, and he had no capacity for disappointment.<\/p>\n

His long-suffering Dada, however was another story.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m not the greatest at planning ahead for birthdays\u2026or really even remembering them. The girls\u2019 are easy, because they\u2019re a week apart, right before Christmas, and Sienna starts talking about it at the beginning of October. Liam\u2019s always gets lost in summer travel and\/or celebrated in Texas. Lincoln\u2019s one birthday was celebrated in hindsight.<\/p>\n

But this year, I remembered Linc\u2019s birthday for weeks in advance, despite the fact that I have never once managed to remember my own anniversary. (And the fact that he shares a birthday with Bilbo and Frodo Baggins had nothing whatsoever to do with my magical memory powers.) I spent three hours on Sunday night making a birthday cake\u2026that fell apart spectacularly when I tried to remove it from the pan. I pre-ordered gifts, which is legitimately unheard of for me,\u2026.but only the crappy one showed up in time.<\/p>\n

Anyway, I thought was on the friggin\u2019 ball. Cake? Check. Presents? Check. Diaper? Sh\u2026..<\/p>\n

But actually everything turned to shite the night before his birthday, when his cake not only fell apart at 1 am, but Charlotte had a spectacularly horrible infection that involved lots of crying and an early-morning doctor\u2019s visit. And a 3 am wake-up. And then a 4 am wake-up \u2014 and also a 5 am wake-up.<\/p>\n

I was not a happy dada yesterday morning. But as I wandered through Publix, irritated beyond reason because I was missing a totally important conference call, I said to myself, \u201cCalah, you gotta embrace modernity. Forget cooking like your grandmother. Forget expressing your love for your children through hours of unappreciated kitchen slavery. Seriously, duck that hit.\u201d (<\u2013phrase modified for the faint of heart) \u201cListen up, yo. Buy a cake. From the bakery. With food coloring. And just get over it.\u201d<\/p>\n

I obeyed my alarmingly vehement inner selfness, but added on balloons and those weird paper blowy-things. And then I stopped at Target to overcompensate for my every failure by buying an elaborate swirly race-care ramp-thing, somewhat reminiscent of the game Mouse Trap except 100,000 times more difficult to assemble.<\/p>\n

After I got home, as Lincoln napped and Liam and I struggled mightily to assemble the swirly race car tower of guilt, I realized two important things:<\/p>\n

1) I still do not understand the mechanism of screwing in a screw<\/p>\n

\"too<\/a>
The screw should be on top of the green plastic<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

2) I know now that when screwing metal into plastic, tighter is emphatically NOT better<\/p>\n

\"too<\/a>
Yes, I repeatedly screwed right through the plastic<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Eventually I got it:<\/p>\n

\"screw<\/a>
Although I\u2019d appreciate it if you ignore the fact that the screw is stripped to oblivion<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

I\u2019m sure there\u2019s some metaphorical lesson to be learned here, about having too tight a grip on life or trying too desperately to control an outcome or something, but there\u2019s also a juvenile lesson to be learned:<\/p>\n

When it comes to screwing, you just have to relax and have fun with it. Also, sometimes it\u2019s better to let your husband do all the work.<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Yesterday was Lincoln\u2019s birthday. He turned two. He had no clue what was happening, he had no expectations, and he had no capacity for disappointment. His long-suffering Dada, however was another story. I\u2019m not the greatest at planning ahead for birthdays\u2026or really even remembering them. The girls\u2019 are easy, because they\u2019re a week apart, right […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1110,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[81,50],"class_list":["post-3686","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-funny-stuff","tag-sex"],"yoast_head":"\nA Quick PSA About Screwing<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Yesterday was Lincoln's birthday. He turned two. He had no clue what was happening, he had no expectations, and he had no capacity for disappointment. 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