{"id":392,"date":"2010-09-29T17:46:00","date_gmt":"2010-09-29T17:46:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/barefootandpregnant\/2010\/09\/the-struggle-day-1-of-re-run-week-2\/"},"modified":"2015-01-11T16:28:10","modified_gmt":"2015-01-11T21:28:10","slug":"the-struggle-day-1-of-re-run-week-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/barefootandpregnant\/2010\/09\/the-struggle-day-1-of-re-run-week-2.html","title":{"rendered":"The Struggle (Day 1 of Re-run Week)"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>
I haven\u2019t had much time to post lately, and I won\u2019t have much to post next week either, so I\u00a0stole<\/span>\u00a0borrowed an idea from\u00a0Bearing<\/a>\u00a0and decided to give you a week of re-runs.<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Since my blog is now a little over a year old, I figured I probably have enough material to get away with this. I hope. Anyhow, today\u2019s post is a re-run of one I wrote last September. I wish I could say that I\u2019ve grown since then, that I don\u2019t feel this way anymore. but as a matter of fact today was just such a day as the one I described in this post. The circumstances were different; a little harder maybe, and a little lonelier without the Ogre, but the feelings were the same. I needed to re-read this today. I hope it helps you too.<\/div>\n
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<\/div>\n
***<\/div>\n
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I\u2019m really cranky today. There are many reasons why I\u2019m cranky, and I\u2019m not going to go into any of them because my blog is not my own personal talk therapist. I think blogs that serve as talk therapy are boring and uninteresting and usually really really whiny. I\u2019m whiny in real life; I\u2019d like to suppress that particularly charming personality trait in the blogosphere.<\/p>\n

Nevertheless, I woke up cranky and sad and feeling like there really wasn\u2019t any point in putting one foot in front of the other because at the end of the day, I\u2019d be in the same place; a messy, small apartment with three messy, small children and nothing but injuries and spilled drinks to break up the monotony of our days.<\/p>\n

But I had forgotten one important fact: Sienna and Charlotte had check-ups at the dentist today. When I happened to grumpily glance at the calendar and be reminded of this, I was like, \u201cSeriously, God? I ask for a break from the monotony and you give me dentist appointments?<\/i>\u201d<\/p>\n

Well, it was a break from the monotony, all right. Sienna was fabulous as usual, and bravely complied to the dentist\u2019s every request so that she could show her sister that there was nothing to be scared of. Charlotte started screaming the second I opened the door to the office, and didn\u2019t really stop until we left. Liam woke up with Charlotte\u2019s first scream and contributed mightily to the general angst and hysteria with his own special brand of baby wailing. It was spectacular.<\/p>\n

The worst part, though, was when the dentist had me lay Charlotte across both our legs (the dentist and I were sitting knee-to-knee) with Charlotte\u2019s head in the dentist\u2019s lap so the dentist could take a look at her teeth. Charlotte went from hiccuping and crying to full-body-locked, shaking, hysterical choking screams. Her eyes were the size of silver dollars, and she looked up at the dental light and the dentist with a mask over her face and all the equipment and just freaked. I\u2019ve never seen a child so petrified. I had her wrists locked in my hands and the dentist was holding her head and shoulders still, and poor Charlotte was shaking head-to-toe, uncontrollably, her tiny hands scrabbling frantically against her thighs. The sweet dentist did a very quick exam with no cleaning and pronounced her teeth fine. We sat Charlotte up and she latched her hands around my neck in the most terrified of toddler chokeholds.<\/p>\n

In the end, it didn\u2019t matter that I had talked to Charlotte again and again before we went about how the dentist was just going to clean her teeth like Mommy does, and how it\u2019s good for her and it won\u2019t hurt at all, and all she has to do is lie still. Once we got there and she was surrounded by all those unfamiliar people and equipment, she was terrified. There was no use trying to reason with her; the only thing for it was to hold her still and endure her struggles.<\/p>\n

Seeing my child like this, so completely petrified of something that was ultimately good for her and having to force her to submit made me wonder if it\u2019s this hard for God to see us struggling against His will. On days like I had today, the last thing in the world I want to do when I wake up is be a mother. I don\u2019t want to take care of my children; I don\u2019t want to clean the house; I don\u2019t want to be cheerful and agreeable and read stories and listen to endless imaginations and pick up petrified string cheese from underneath beds. I just want to walk out the front door, alone.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s helpful for me to remember that God doesn\u2019t force us to submit. I could walk out the door; I could walk away from the spilled milk and the tears and the giggles and the dirty toilets and the laundry and never look back, but I don\u2019t. And I won\u2019t. And on days when I\u2019m surly and short with my family, what really crushes me in the end is my own guilt over my attitude and my actions. Guilt keeps me pinned to the chair when I tell myself to get over it. The refrain of \u201csometimes my life is really wretched\u201d in my head turns into \u201csometimes you are really wretched.\u201d<\/p>\n

It may not be much, but knowing that at least I\u2019m not running from God\u2019s plan for me is some sort of consolation. I may not be the best mother, and some days I may not even be a very good mother, but at least I\u2019m here, and at least I\u2019m not giving up. And at least I have the grace of a new day tomorrow.<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I haven\u2019t had much time to post lately, and I won\u2019t have much to post next week either, so I\u00a0stole\u00a0borrowed an idea from\u00a0Bearing\u00a0and decided to give you a week of re-runs. Since my blog is now a little over a year old, I figured I probably have enough material to get away with this. 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