Conversion Diary<\/a>, I love 7 Quick Takes, I love the fact that my kids are napping, and I love that we\u2019re going out to dinner tonight (a monumental occasion). So in honor of all that love, and because I\u2019m just in a particularly jocular mood, today\u2019s post is for the men. Here are seven things to never say or do to your pregnant wife. I know you should never say or do these things because my husband has said or done (nearly) all of them to me, and trust me, they aren\u2019t pleasant to a hormonal, expansive woman who is more likely than not shoving ice cream in her face. Avoiding these phrases and actions will ensure that your wife, too, still loves you at the end of these nine long months. I can\u2019t guarantee love through the delivery process, though. Sorry guys. I\u2019m not a magician.<\/p>\n#7
\n\u201cSee you later, Stay Puft.\u201d<\/p>\n
I got this one this morning. I\u2019ve never been nine months pregnant in August before, and I was commenting (well, okay, whining) about how I miss the sight of my ankle bones and I feel like the marshmallow man as I was putting on a swimsuit. (Sidenote: Never, never make a comment when a woman is putting on a swimsuit. It\u2019s just safer to stay silent.) Anyhow, my clever husband thought that would be the perfect send-off as he left for work.<\/p>\n
It wasn\u2019t.<\/p>\n
#6
\n\u201cAre you going to eat all of that?\u201d<\/p>\n
Yes. The answer is yes. Don\u2019t ask.<\/p>\n
#5
\n\u201cWhat\u2019s for dinner?\u201d<\/p>\n
Let me clarify this one. It\u2019s perfectly all right, in my opinion, to ask your wife what\u2019s for dinner when she\u2019s pregnant, especially if she\u2019s the type of wife (like me) who rules the kitchen like it\u2019s a poorly behaved communist nation. It\u2019s not all right, however, to ask your wife what\u2019s for dinner while she\u2019s timing contractions and debating whether or not it\u2019s too early to call the midwife. At that point, you should probably be fending for yourselves, guys.<\/p>\n
#4
\n\u201cYou\u2019re almost as wide as you are tall!\u201d<\/p>\n
Don\u2019t measure her belly. Seriously, don\u2019t. It may be sort of a cute thing to do in her first pregnancy, but the laughs go downhill fast with babies 2, 3, and so on. Also, if you happen to measure your 5 foot tall wife in her first pregnancy and find that she\u2019s 4 feet around, please don\u2019t ever, ever repeat that. Because, like my husband, you\u2019ll get punched. And the \u201cbeach ball\u201d jokes aren\u2019t that funny after a while.<\/p>\n
#3
\n\u201cI\u2019m a guy. I don\u2019t paint toenails.\u201d<\/p>\n
Seriously? That is still my reaction to my husband. In all three of my pregnancies I\u2019ve hit the \u201ccan\u2019t reach my feet\u201d mark right at about 7 months, and in all three he\u2019s refused to man up and paint my freaking toenails. Guys, come on! Your wife is growing your progeny, your legacy, your future here! Paint her damn toenails!<\/p>\n
#2
\n\u201cLook, this one\u2019s the deepest.\u201d<\/p>\n
When your wife is in labor, it\u2019s not a good idea to stand at the foot of the hospital bed with your brother and have a contest to see who can put the biggest dent in her very, very swollen ankles. Even if she\u2019s had an epidural and can\u2019t feel it. It\u2019s just not funny.<\/p>\n
#1
\n\u201cIt\u2019s not the dress that makes you look fat, it\u2019s your butt that makes you look fat!\u201d<\/p>\n
Credit for this one actually goes to my wonderful father, who said this to my mom in a seriously, seriously misguided attempt to make her laugh.<\/p>\n
He failed.<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I love Fridays! I love Conversion Diary, I love 7 Quick Takes, I love the fact that my kids are napping, and I love that we\u2019re going out to dinner tonight (a monumental occasion). So in honor of all that love, and because I\u2019m just in a particularly jocular mood, today\u2019s post is for the […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1110,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[81,9,108],"class_list":["post-414","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-funny-stuff","tag-quick-takes","tag-the-ogre"],"yoast_head":"\n
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<\/a><\/p>\n