![\"Minion](\"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/225\/2015\/07\/Minion-the-5th-14-weeks.jpg\")
<\/a>This is our 5th unplanned pregnancy. Yes, we are abysmal at NFP<\/a> and super-fertile, which is a fantastic combination when you\u2019re swimming in student loan debt. But this time around, those two blue lines just weren\u2019t the usual catastrophe.<\/p>\n I\u2019ve never once had a positive pregnancy test that wasn\u2019t greeted with some combination of trepidation and despair. I know it\u2019s generally frowned upon to say that on the internet, lest my children one day come across this and have an existential crisis about being unwanted, but I think that would be pretty silly of them if they did, so I\u2019m saying it anyway. My kids all know that they are loved to pieces, and that they are the most precious things in the world to the Ogre and I. 10 years ago, we learned that unplanned does not mean unwanted or unloved<\/a>. For us, it never will. But unplanned can mean life-changing, and that can be terrifying<\/a>. Even when it\u2019s not life-changing, it can be overwhelming, and it\u2019s stifling \u2014 not to mention disingenuous \u2014 to expect parents to react with unadulterated joy, no matter what.<\/p>\n When I found out I was pregnant with Lincoln, what I actually felt was unadulterated despair<\/a>. Not because I didn\u2019t want the baby, but because I was so utterly, completely defeated by life in the trenches of motherhood. It was so much more than feeling unprepared for another newborn \u2014 it was like a sudden awareness of my total inadequacy as a human being. Not just as a wife, not just as a mother, not just as a person capable of basic hygiene, but as everything that I was. From the tips of my fingers to the depths of my soul, I felt crushed by my own insufficiency.<\/p>\n I was also scared out of my mind. I felt completely out of control of my fertility, and with it, my future. I didn\u2019t see it as another baby, I saw it as 15 more years of babies. It felt like I was being erased from my own life, that everything I was as a person was being obliterated by pregnancy, childbirth, housework, cooking, and all the daily tasks required to keep my family going\u2026and I was doing a crappy job of all of it.<\/p>\n Part of that was selfishness, sure. Motherhood demands a pretty extreme death to self, and that\u2019s hard for all of us. But part of it was an understandably human recognition of the enormity of task before me. My oldest was 6, which meant that the every need of four children, two of them toddlers and one a newborn, would soon be almost entirely up to me to care for. That\u2019s not a task that can be completed, not ever \u2014 it\u2019s the air I breathe, all the hours of all the days, for the rest of my life.<\/p>\n But what I couldn\u2019t see then was that those needs would change, and so would I. Three years later, I\u2019ve got three kids in school and only one toddler. My oldest can feed and clothe herself and her siblings, and regularly makes breakfast for the Ogre and I as well. The oldest three are able (if not always willing) to help with most household chores. These days, the demands of motherhood are not nearly as hands-on and relentless. I have time to read, write, and enjoy my kids more. I have time to enjoy my husband, too \u2014 so no surprise that this summer brought another positive pregnancy test.<\/p>\n This time around was different. Aside from the ages of our kids, our situation hasn\u2019t changed. I have. I\u2019m not as overwhelmed and exhausted as I was three years ago, and I have more hands on deck to help out. I have more faith, too. In God, in my family, in myself, and just in life to keep going, as long as I keep going to0.<\/p>\n I\u2019ve kept going through four unplanned pregnancies. The first one happened when I was unwed and addicted to meth<\/a>. The second and third happened in Vegas, when we were on welfare and thousands of miles from family. The fourth happened here in Florida, and brought crippling PPD in its wake. None of this was my plan for my life, and it sure wasn\u2019t the Ogre\u2019s plan for his. But all these unplanned pregnancies have filled our lives with crazy amounts of joy, too. Joy we could never have planned for ourselves. Yes, there\u2019s also sadness, stress, fear, and frustration, but wouldn\u2019t we have had those in spades anyway? At least this way, we have four little allies to cheer us up with their ridiculous antics<\/a>, bizarre humor<\/a>, snotty kisses<\/a>, and unconditional<\/a> love<\/a>.<\/p>\n No one plans to spend their lives constantly working and still struggling to make ends meet, but most of us do that anyway. No one plans for unemployment, chronic illness, cancer, dementia, or death, but everyone faces them sooner or later. Even when our children come according to our plan, we can\u2019t plan for autism, autoimmune diseases, asthma, or any of the zillion other things parents face every day. We can\u2019t plan for how and when our children will experience bullying or heartbreak, nor can we protect them from it. Even our best-laid plans for parenthood usually get wrecked by something, and often by our kids themselves. That\u2019s the thing about parenthood \u2014 the way it turns out is always<\/em> unplanned.<\/p>\n So this time when the test turned positive, I actually smiled. It was a little shocking to realize I was happy about yet another unplanned pregnancy. We\u2019re unprepared for another baby in every way \u2014 just like we\u2019ve been the last four times. But the baby will come anyway, and we\u2019ll figure out how to make it work. And next year we\u2019ll have a new little person to love, laugh, and face all the uncertainties of life with. Really, that\u2019s all the plan we need.<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" This is our 5th unplanned pregnancy. Yes, we are abysmal at NFP and super-fertile, which is a fantastic combination when you\u2019re swimming in student loan debt. But this time around, those two blue lines just weren\u2019t the usual catastrophe. I\u2019ve never once had a positive pregnancy test that wasn\u2019t greeted with some combination of trepidation […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1110,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[26,273],"class_list":["post-5064","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-motherhood","tag-unplanned-pregnancy"],"yoast_head":"\n