I know I need to get back to the way I used to write, but I can\u2019t figure out how<\/em>.<\/p>\nWe talked a little bit about the reasons why I can\u2019t write like I used to, and what\u2019s changed, and what we kept coming back to was the fact that I\u2019m afraid. I\u2019m afraid to say what I think, anymore. I\u2019m afraid to write about anything, anymore \u2014 partly because I\u2019m afraid to be wrong, but mostly because I\u2019m afraid that I\u2019ll make people mad. I\u2019m completely stifled by my fear of other people\u2019s expectations.<\/p>\n
Originally, this post was going to be about how that\u2019s all Ave Maria\u2019s fault. (Spoiler alert: it\u2019s still partially going to be about that. There\u2019s a red X in the corner you can click on, now, if you\u2019re already mentally drawing and quartering me.) But it\u2019s not just Ave Maria. It\u2019s everyone who freaked out when I said I agreed with Joseph Bottum, who personally called me to inform me that I\u2019m unfaithful to the Magisterium, who gave me the social media version of the Inquisition. It\u2019s everyone who gets mad every time I use a 4-letter word. But most of all, it\u2019s my fault for listening, for letting it get to me, and for letting it shut me up.<\/p>\n
This is my blog. This is the space where I have worked out questions, doubts, fears, and yes, even my very salvation, in fear and trembling, and in full view of the public. This is the space I used to retreat to when I needed to vent, or cry, or wrap my head around something. I miss being able to do that, and there\u2019s no reason why I can\u2019t start doing that again. This is my<\/em> space, and I am hereby reclaiming it.<\/p>\nI refuse to be cowed by people who think I should be a positive mouthpiece for Ave Maria. I won\u2019t be. Guess what? I don\u2019t like living here. I even hate it a little bit. I despise the weather, I don\u2019t like being an hour from civilization, and by and large, I don\u2019t think everyone who lives here is very nice. Yes, there are very nice people who have been very kind to us, and whom I like a lot. But there are also quite a few very mean people whom I find it hard to even pray for, because they are loud, and they say bad things about my family in public and turn people against my husband and children and I don\u2019t like that. And I don\u2019t care who knows it, because if Ave Maria is so fragile that it depends on positive press from absolutely everyone at all times ever, then there are bigger problems here and they don\u2019t begin and end with one measly blogger.<\/p>\n
I refuse to be cowed by people who think I should be a shining example of Catholicism. I started this blog because I suck<\/em> at Catholicism, but I love it and want to be a better Catholic. Guess what? Not much has changed, except that I might possibly be even worse at Catholicism now than I was five years ago. But I love it even more, despite being admonished publicly for being bad at it. I am<\/em> bad at it! I\u2019m terrible at it! That\u2019s one of the premises of my blog! If you want to read a blog by a good Catholic, go read Jimmy Akin! He\u2019s wonderful and brilliant and non-controversial and good! But this is my<\/em> space, for Catholics who suck at it but keep trying anyway. Bye, Felicia.<\/p>\nI refuse to be cowed by people who can\u2019t stand cussing. Seriously, if you hate cuss words, go away. I don\u2019t cuss in every post, but I do cuss in some of them, and I don\u2019t care if you think that\u2019s unCatholic of me. (See the above point). The only person whose opinion I care about on this subject is my\u00a0 mother\u2019s, and it is only out of deference to her that I try to censor myself. I just don\u2019t care what anyone else thinks.<\/p>\n
I refuse to be cowed by Better Mothers (TM) who think I\u2019m doing it wrong, and who like to tell me so. I love my kids and my husband, and while you might think it\u2019s awful that I play Dungeons and Dragons instead of sewing clothes by candlelight, I think it\u2019s awesome \u2014 and so do they<\/em>. My actual family matters infinitely more than your opinions on how I\u2019m screwing them up, so please go be better than me somewhere else.<\/p>\nI refuse to be cowed by people who think I should be more conservative, or more liberal. I am neither. I\u2019m trying to figure out what is good and true in the constant muck of crap that we call the news these days, and if I offend you by having an opinion about immigrants or rape culture or guns that doesn\u2019t line up with your opinion, I don\u2019t care. Truly, I do not care if I offend you. If you have a critique of my thought process, or a rational opinion about where I\u2019ve gone wrong, I do<\/em> care, and I\u2019d like to hear it. If you\u2019re simply offended, GTFO. For real.<\/p>\nI refuse to be cowed by people who think I shouldn\u2019t write something or other about my family, because what if they see it on the internet in twenty years and it causes them great internal anguish and destroys them forever, because the Internet is eternal<\/em>? Oh man, I can\u2019t tell you how much I do not care about this non-argument. If my child is destroyed in the future by discovering that I once wrote about them smearing their poop on my neighbor\u2019s floor, then there are serious problems in our relationship that are so much bigger than a blog post. I do not make a habit of using my children as fodder for clicks, and that\u2019s a good enough standard for me. If it\u2019s not good enough for you, see ya.<\/p>\nI don\u2019t care if you think my writing sucks, or that I should write about something else, or that I should stop writing forever and go live in a hole. I\u2019ve actually tried that last one these last few months, and it doesn\u2019t work for me. I end up feeling anxious and angry and yelling at my family for no reason because I miss writing and I need to write. And that\u2019s not cool with me. I\u2019m not going to let myself become an anxious, angry, neurotic housewife who let go of the one thing she did just for herself because she was afraid of what people might think. I don\u2019t care, neighbors of Ave Maria, if you are appalled by me and embarrassed that I\u2019m part of this town. I don\u2019t care, Perfect Catholics of the Internet, if you are appalled by me and embarrassed that I am part of your Church. I don\u2019t care, Perfect Mothers who Sew, if you are appalled by me and feel sorry for my children. I am who I am, and when I started this blog, I never pretended to be anything else.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m going back to that, because it\u2019s the truth. I don\u2019t have any wisdom to offer or lessons to teach, and I\u2019m tired of trying to pretend I do. All I have is me, fumbling my way through life with the occasional hilarious result. Take it or leave it.<\/p>\n
And now you\u2019ll have to excuse me, because I\u2019m going to go out in the front yard in my pajamas and do a little victory dance, and not care who sees me.<\/p>\n
\u00a0<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I\u2019ve got to get something off my chest. I struggled for nearly two hours this morning to write a 700 word post that should have taken me 30 minutes to write, and wasn\u2019t even very good, but every word was like pulling teeth. The Ogre read it, and mentioned that I need to get back […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1110,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[45],"class_list":["post-5096","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-blogging-about-blogging"],"yoast_head":"\n
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