Ready or Not, Advent's Here<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"The day before yesterday was the first Sunday of Advent, and I didn't go to Mass. I haven't been to Mass in a few weeks, actually. At first I didn't go\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/barefootandpregnant\/2015\/12\/ready-or-not-advents-here.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Ready or Not, Advent's Here\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"The day before yesterday was the first Sunday of Advent, and I didn't go to Mass. I haven't been to Mass in a few weeks, actually. At first I didn't go\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/barefootandpregnant\/2015\/12\/ready-or-not-advents-here.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Barefoot and Pregnant\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2015-12-02T01:06:12+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2017-02-13T21:23:49+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"http:\/\/wp.production.patheos.com\/blogs\/barefootandpregnant\/files\/2015\/11\/advent-candle.jpg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Calah Alexander\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Calah Alexander\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"5 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/barefootandpregnant\/2015\/12\/ready-or-not-advents-here.html\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/barefootandpregnant\/2015\/12\/ready-or-not-advents-here.html\",\"name\":\"Ready or Not, Advent's Here\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/barefootandpregnant\/#website\"},\"datePublished\":\"2015-12-02T01:06:12+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2017-02-13T21:23:49+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/barefootandpregnant\/#\/schema\/person\/cbd5af11d9f73881b801bf2e07eb8757\"},\"description\":\"The day before yesterday was the first Sunday of Advent, and I didn't go to Mass. 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{"id":5190,"date":"2015-12-01T20:06:12","date_gmt":"2015-12-02T01:06:12","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/admin.patheos.com\/blogs\/barefootandpregnant\/?p=5190"},"modified":"2017-02-13T16:23:49","modified_gmt":"2017-02-13T21:23:49","slug":"ready-or-not-advents-here","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/barefootandpregnant\/2015\/12\/ready-or-not-advents-here.html","title":{"rendered":"Ready or Not, Advent’s Here"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

$\"advent-candle\"$ <\/a><\/p>\n

As penitential seasons go, I prefer to start Lent out a hot mess. Remorse and repentance are easier at Lent, for whatever reason. Probably because the world keeps turning, oblivious to the coming Death and Resurrection, and it\u2019s easier for me to cultivate a spirit of reparation in midst of the quotidian. Advent is different. There\u2019s anticipation everywhere \u2013 even this early, it\u2019s palpable. The lights and the wreaths, the scent of our Christmas tree, the excitement of my children\u2026I can touch it, taste it, feel it. I want to share in the joy of Advent and the excitement of the coming of the Christ Child. I don\u2019t want to do an examination of conscience, go to confession, and beg that Child to pull my soul back from the brink, once again.<\/p>\n

But there\u2019s the rub. I can\u2019t have the joy without the pain. I can\u2019t have mercy without admitting that I need it, and asking for it. It wouldn\u2019t be mercy otherwise \u2013 it would just be spiritual Snuggie, covering me up so I feel more comfortable while I freeze to death.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t know why I\u2019m still dragging it out, though. I love confession. I mean, I hate confessing<\/em>, but as a chronic oversharer, confession has always been my favorite sacrament. I don\u2019t think I\u2019ve ever gone this long without confession, actually. 2 months is usually my limit \u2013 this time it\u2019s been closer to 5. I can feel the weight of it all building up, too, like plaque does in between trips to the dentist. I feel gross and dingy and sad, and yet I\u2019ve put it off again till next week\u2026or the next.\u00a0 It just seems, like everything, to be one more thing I can\u2019t quite manage today.<\/p>\n

I know I\u2019m not the only person who does this. It\u2019s kind of like a theme for human beings\u2026we put off doing the things that we need to do, that we want<\/em> to do, even, because\u2026why? Is it a fear of suffering? Maybe for other people, but I don\u2019t think that\u2019s the case for me. I know the guilt and subsequent angst of a merry-g0-round of mortal sin is far more painful than confession ever will be. Pride, maybe? I don\u2019t want to look at myself honestly in the confessional, but I\u2019m okay with spilling my sin all over the internet? Doubtful. If anything, it\u2019s sloth, I guess. Spiritual apathy.<\/p>\n

Sometimes during this pregnancy, I\u2019ve not eaten till the afternoon. Not because I\u2019m not hungry \u2014 actually I\u2019m starving, but making food for myself seems like an insurmountable task. I\u2019ll make food for the kids, or at least pour them cereal, because they\u2019re sitting in front of me and asking and they need to eat and I love them. But doing the same for myself has occasionally seemed impossible. I know, rationally, that I need to eat, that the baby needs food, that I absolutely can<\/em> get up and make myself some eggs, and that I will feel better afterward, but I still can\u2019t quite force myself to do it. Mostly I\u2019ve seen this as a symptom of depression, since not eating is about the most atypical behavior for me ever<\/em>. But as the weeks drag on and I keep not quite forcing myself to go to confession, I\u2019m starting to wonder. How much of depression is tangled up with sloth? Is it all the same thing, and could I just pray my way out of it if I really<\/em> tried hard enough? But when the will to try is what\u2019s missing, how do I even go about beginning?<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t get me wrong, I\u2019m not starving or suicidal or anything. I\u2019m taking my meds and gaining weight exactly according to schedule, one pound a week, and the baby is active and beating the crap out of my uterus. I\u2019ve begun to feel better in the last few weeks, and nothing seems as bleak as it did. But there\u2019s still that listlessness, that missing inclination to do<\/em> things, whether it\u2019s this one thing, or anything. Instead of just feeling sorry for myself about it, I\u2019m wondering if that itself is a sin. Or the result of sin. Or something.<\/p>\n

Luckily for me, I don\u2019t have to figure it out. It\u2019s Advent, and the Church in Her wisdom has thrust a penitential season upon me whether I\u2019m up for it or not. Pope Francis has declared this the Year of Mercy, so the least I can do is drag myself to the confessional and beg for some. Maybe it will help, and I\u2019ll feel so clean and shiny and hopeful that whatever mixture of depression and sloth has taken root in my soul will disappear. Maybe it won\u2019t, and I\u2019ll have to slog through whatever this is for a while longer. In any case, at least I\u2019ll be able to go to Mass with my family and light the Advent candles, as we wait together for Hope to enter the world.<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"