\u00a0<\/p>\n The question took me off guard. I just stared at the curious expression on his face. The truth is, I rarely think about the fact that I am polyamorous anymore. I\u2019ve been non-monogamous for half a dozen years now, and it just feels like the new normal to me. It\u2019s only in conversation with monogamous people that I remember how unusual it is to have multiple lovers and partners. <\/span><\/p>\n Finally I gave him the only answer I could honestly give: \u201cI don\u2019t know.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n He laughed and then he said \u201cwow. Just, wow!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n \u201cNo, it\u2019s not like that!\u201d I countered. \u201cIt\u2019s not like there\u2019s too <\/span>many<\/span><\/i> to count, it\u2019s just that I don\u2019t know <\/span>how<\/span><\/i> to count.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n My explanation didn\u2019t help. He laughed even harder, and so did I. When we both caught our breaths, I said, \u201cactually, I\u2019m serious. It depends on what you mean by <\/span>dating. <\/span><\/i>What exactly constitutes <\/span>dating <\/span><\/i>anyways? I mean, I can tell you who I am sleeping with if that\u2019s what you want to know. But that would leave out my most important relationships. And just because you\u2019re sleeping with someone doesn\u2019t necessarily mean that you\u2019re <\/span>dating<\/span><\/i>, and what if you hardly <\/span>ever <\/span><\/i>have sex with someone but physically intimate in other ways, and-\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n \u201cOk, ok!\u201d my friend interrupted me. \u201cWhy don\u2019t you tell me who all you\u2019re involved with and I\u2019ll tell you if I think you\u2019re <\/span>dating<\/span><\/i>.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m game\u201d I said. I was curious to see how he would categorize my complicated love life. I thought I\u2019d start with my oldest relationships and then move up chronologically, but just then I noticed one of my partners coming into the room. <\/span><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n So yes, I live with two partners. We live together, we share resources, our sorrows and joys, we plan our future together, and we are committed to being a family. <\/span><\/p>\n \u201cYeah, but that\u2019s not dating,\u201d my friend interjected. \u201cYou\u2019re <\/span>past <\/span><\/i>the dating stage.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n I laughed. How can we be <\/span>past <\/span><\/i>our dating phase when we never actually went on any dates? The relationships between the three of us did not begin with dates. My first partner and I met at work. We supported each other through some very hard times and moved in with each other. We never went on any dates. We weren\u2019t romantically involved. But we shared an apartment, a car, and finances. We were best friends, and when at one point we <\/span>did<\/span><\/i> have sexual interactions, we defined ourselves as \u201clife partners with occasional benefits\u201d. <\/span><\/p>\n My second partner came into our lives as a housemate. We grew closer and closer until the three of us hung out <\/span>all <\/span><\/i>the time. We never went on dates. Our relationships were neither romantic nor sexual. But we knew each other so intimately and became so comfortable with each other that our subletter called us \u201can old married triad.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n He was right. The three of us are like old married folks, finishing each others\u2019 sentences, bickering, sharing resources, doing each others laundry, and picking up after one another. So now we call each other partners and everyone assumes we are lovers. I don\u2019t correct them. They can see that the three of us love each other, and that\u2019s what matters. Whatever does or does not happen in our bedrooms is secondary. <\/span><\/p>\n \u201cSo it\u2019s more like you\u2019re married but not dating\u201d my friend tries to summarize. <\/span><\/p>\n I grin. \u201cSee what I mean?\u201d I say. \u201cThat\u2019s why I don\u2019t know how to count!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n \u201cSo what about your lovers then?\u201d, he asks. <\/span><\/p>\n I start with Joe, who fits neatly into the <\/span>dating<\/span><\/i> category. We met years ago and went on a couple of dates then, but didn\u2019t pursue a relationship. At PantheaCon last year I surprised him (as well as myself) by walking right up to him and kissing him, which turned out to be a great idea. He took my subtle hint and invited himself over for a hot tubbing. What started out as sexual \u201cplay dates\u201d has become a passionate and joyful dating relationship.<\/span><\/p>\n It gets complicated when I think of the Cute Guy, a nickname that stuck ever since our first date. He was the first lover <\/span>I<\/span><\/i> ever pursued and asked out. We\u2019ve been in each others lives for half a decade now. At first we were dating but at one point we ended our sexual relationship, because reasons*. But we wanted to keep seeing each other. So we continue to flirt, we go on romantic dates, we have snuggly sleepovers, and we tell each other that we love each other, because we do. <\/span><\/p>\n \u201cSo,\u201d I ask my friend, \u201care the Cute Guy and I <\/span>dating<\/span><\/i>?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n My friend doesn\u2019t have an easy answer. We agree that the level of intimacy we share would be unacceptable if either The Cute Guy or I were in a monogamous relationship with someone else. But he\u2019s polyamorous and I love hanging out with his other partner. The three of us get along well. None of us mind being seen in public. Once we walked down the street, all three of us holding hands. We certainly don\u2019t fit comfortably into monogamous culture. <\/span><\/p>\n And then there\u2019s my adventure partner. We officially started dating at Burning Man \u2013 true story. Our relationship went through a rocky time when I became a Pagan and he remained a Rationalist. Our circle of friends ceased to overlap and I lost interest in his events and he felt that Pagan rituals were not really his thing. We saw each other less frequently, but found new ways to relate. Nowadays we go on adventures together, exploring nature and sometimes urban environments, and we both enjoy the new pattern into which our relationship has morphed.<\/span><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n My only ever online dating success is Chris. We were a 99% match on OKCupid and figured we should meet, and meet we did. I gave him poison oak on our second date. Our date was meant to be just a mushroom hunting trip, but ended up with unexpected snuggles at my house, albeit <\/span>clothed<\/span><\/i> snuggles, touching each other in the very clothes I wore while running through poison oak. He suffered for weeks, and my friends were sure I\u2019d never see him again. But we went on another date, with the caveat that we should skip the danger of clothing next time. We\u2019ve been seeing each other ever since. We\u2019d be a typical boyfriend \u2013 girlfriend pair, if it wasn\u2019t for our schedules. We can only ever figure out how to see each other every few months. <\/span><\/p>\n Does frequency matter in establishing who is and who isn\u2019t dating? My newest relationship is a case study in scheduling fails. It\u2019s taken us a couple of years of dancing around each other, with extended hugs and frequent \u201chello\u201d kisses. We finally started dating, officially, but keep very different schedules. As polyamorous folks like to say, our ability to love is limitless, our ability to actually schedule dates \u2013 not so much. How often does one need to succeed at going on dates? \u00a0Does the intention count?<\/span><\/p>\n Then there\u2019s someone I need to skip over here. No matter how many different ways I write this paragraph, I always end up deleting it again. I\u2019m just too worried of saying something that can identify this person. Unfortunately many of us who are polyamorous have to be very careful not to be outed. I wish everyone had the freedom to be as out as myself and as Chris or Joe. But sadly, most of us do not have the luxury of working in progressive environments where we can be open about our lives. <\/span><\/p>\n And then there\u2019s all of the loves who I know I am not dating. There\u2019s a wonderful woman I\u2019ve had a crush on for a long time and we finally had our first date. It was hot and wonderful and we want to have another date. There\u2019s also someone from out of state who I met a conference. We\u2019ve been flirting, and who knows, we might become a lovers the next time we meet (fingers crossed!). And I met someone at an event and we had a hot and intimate date. He lives far away and we have no plans to see each other again. But our connection was more than a random one night stand. It was emotionally connected and deeply magical. So he, too, now lives in my heart.<\/span><\/p>\n![\"HOW many people are you dating?? Wait, WHAT?\"](\"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/575\/2015\/12\/IMG_20150619_160523309_HDR.jpg\")
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