{"id":4226,"date":"2025-08-06T23:05:09","date_gmt":"2025-08-07T03:05:09","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/chocolateforyourbrain\/?p=4226"},"modified":"2025-08-06T23:05:09","modified_gmt":"2025-08-07T03:05:09","slug":"not-shutting-the-door","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/chocolateforyourbrain\/2025\/08\/not-shutting-the-door\/","title":{"rendered":"Not Shutting the Door"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

I was today years old when I realized, I keep the door shut on grief.
\n\"Photo
\nMy daughter asked me to go for a walk with her.\u00a0 Having been in class and sitting for much of the day, I welcomed the idea of exercising and so we started out.\u00a0 She talked about high school and when she almost made state throwing discus before Covid shut everything down.\u00a0 I took the opportunity to bring up her need to believe in herself, to trust her accomplishments.\u00a0 We discussed the hazard of being the middle child, where you compare yourself constantly and find yourself wanting.<\/p>\n

We also discussed gumbo because she\u2019d made her first today.\u00a0 \u00a0She\u2019d talked to my sister who was supposed to visit this week, but life happened and so I\u2019d been trying to reassure her (my sister) it was okay, to state the mature, responsible thing we\u2019re supposed to say when plans get wrecked by life.\u00a0 \u00a0She\u2019d been saying how disappointed she was \u2013and I admittedly had felt like, \u201cwhy would you say that?\u201d in my head, because it just reinforced being sad as opposed to reframing it \u2013my trick for dealing with disappointment.<\/p>\n

Fortunately, my daughter is quick on the uptake, and pointed out, \u201cAren\u2019t you sad?\u201d\u00a0 and the answer was of course I\u2019m unhappy that things didn\u2019t work out.\u00a0 She mentioned I am a people pleaser, and as such, don\u2019t allow myself to feel the things as they happen if it will make other people unhappy.\u00a0 \u00a0\u201cHow are you doing with missing your mom? It\u2019s been more than six months.\u201d<\/p>\n

Unbidden, I imagined a door at the end of a hallway, and almost cartoonish indications of needing to open the door, of arms wanting to get out.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t want to throw it open. I wanted to keep it shut.\u00a0 I even felt my eyes tearing up, and me fighting to squash down the feelings that threatened our walk, the cool of the evening, the calm I\u2019d imposed.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou have to let yourself grieve.\u201d I\u2019d been told.\u00a0 I heard it in my mom\u2019s voice.<\/h4>\n

The trouble was, I didn\u2019t know how.\u00a0 Except I did.\u00a0 Throw open the door.\u00a0 Let yourself feel all of it, in all of its crushing weight, because otherwise, you deny the great gift of our faith, the promise that this weight won\u2019t be the final answer.\u00a0 The greater we understand the grief we otherwise must shoulder, the more we should rejoice in our savior.\u00a0 I needed to be sad, to be bored sad, to be unhappy sad, to be grieving damn it I miss my mom sad.\u00a0 \u00a0\u201cWhat do you miss about her?\u201d my daughter took the opportunity to press.
\n\"\"
\n\u201cI talked to her almost every day, and as such, she became a sounding board, a place to tell stories, to enjoy telling the stories. Between the blog and her, I stopped letting myself share who I was outside of the writing world. I didn\u2019t need to.\u00a0 Now, I find it hard to go to adoration because I\u2019m tired of the silence in my life.\u00a0 I\u2019m tired of not having someone to tell the stories to.\u201d\u00a0 She hugged me.\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019s okay to feel sad.\u201d\u00a0 I hadn\u2019t written about losing my mom because that would force the words out, and the tears.<\/p>\n

Overcoming one\u2019s own stupid tendencies to box up pain, to \u201cbe strong,\u201d is hard, as hard as opening that imaginary door, as hard as staring at the picture on my phone of my mother.\u00a0 I took it on purpose, so I could have that last look at her face.\u00a0 The priest offered me the crucifix, but I took the rosary.\u00a0 I find it hard to pray on those beads, she held them. She prayed on them.\u00a0 More silence, silence by me this time.<\/p>\n

Since Mom died, mass, prayer, writing, all of it has been effort.\u00a0 Because all of those things involve pouring out onto the page.\u00a0 I\u2019ve not wanted to let myself feel that much.\u00a0 So everything, from tears to words, has been damned up, damn it.\u00a0 I\u2019d need to let myself feel \u201call the feels,\u201d if I wanted both to honor my mom, and to be able to bear the loss in a healthy manner.
\n\"Photo
\nComing home, I called my sister if only to say, I missed her, and found the rosary I\u2019d kept.\u00a0 Time to tell the Blessed Mother my stories. Time to write.\u00a0 Time to let tears fall.\u00a0 Time to open the door, maybe slowly, but eventually all the way.<\/p>\n

Time to remind myself, there are worse things than feeling sad, feeling still because you won\u2019t let yourself feel, is one of them.<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I was today years old when I realized, I keep the door shut on grief. My daughter asked me to go for a walk with her.\u00a0 Having been in class and sitting for much of the day, I welcomed the idea of exercising and so we started out.\u00a0 She talked about high school and when […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4510,"featured_media":4229,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[1214,1217,1078,932],"class_list":["post-4226","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-loss","tag-mourning","tag-grief","tag-starting-over"],"yoast_head":"\nNot Shutting the Door<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"I was today years old when I realized, I keep the door shut on grief. 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