![\"MGraham-1\"](\"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/121\/2015\/06\/MGraham-1.jpg\")
<\/a>(Photo of retired Major Gen. Mark Graham property of U.S. Army. Other photos property of the Graham family.<\/em>)<\/p>\n\u201cI knew our son was sad, but I didn\u2019t know he could die from being too sad,\u201d recalled retired Major General Mark Graham about his son Kevin\u2019s suicide on June 21, 2003.<\/p>\n
Kevin was an ROTC cadet who had always been a straight A student, but feelings of loneliness and depression had started getting the better of him. He received some counseling and medication, but didn\u2019t stick with them so the downward spiral continued. This was a time before mental health received a lot of attention in the culture. When it was spoken about, there was usually a stigma attached, a stigma that Graham, his wife Carol, and their daughter Melanie believe led to Kevin\u2019s death.<\/p>\n
Maj. Gen. Graham explained, \u201cWhen Kevin died, we felt like the worst parents in the world, that we\u2019d let him down. We still have some of those thoughts and feelings. Then Jeffrey was killed in Iraq, helping save his platoon, and he\u2019s a hero \u2013 and we\u2019re the same parents. On one hand, it was the stigma of the suicide \u2013 and on the other hand, there\u2019s a hero, and everyone\u2019s talking to you about it. But I think a lot of people didn\u2019t know what to say when we lost Kevin. That was hard. At least acknowledge the loss of a loved one that died by suicide. I often say our sons died fighting different battles.\u201d<\/p>\n Though the Grahams were \u2013 and are \u2013 Christians, the whole experience initially shook them to their core: \u201cIt shook our faith and rattled our moral courage. We\u2019d been praying and praying for Kevin, and we just didn\u2019t understand. But military friends, family and others [helped] and our faith got us through. I believe there\u2019s a plan; I just didn\u2019t get a vote in the plan.\u201d<\/p>\n As the Grahams learned more about depression following Kevin\u2019s death, they discovered that suicide is a major problem among college students. Therefore, they started a program at the University of Kentucky that teaches parents and students about suicide prevention and awareness. Some of the warning signs they highlight are prolonged feelings of sadness, feeling lonely even when you\u2019re surrounded by other people, and excessive drinking.<\/p>\n In light of Major Gen. Graham\u2019s long Army career, he is also working to remove the stigma surrounding mental illness and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder in the military. Though some leaders were resistant to his ideas, others supported them. And Graham knows that seeking help can lead to healing.<\/p>\n He recalled, \u201cI had an NCO tell me one time, when I saw him in a medical facility, \u2018I\u2019m not doing very well, sir. I don\u2019t understand what\u2019s going on. I\u2019m angry, I can\u2019t sleep, I get mad, I yell at my family. I didn\u2019t used to do that before. Something\u2019s wrong.\u2019 And it was. He was struggling with some post-traumatic stress. [Then] he got the care he needed and deserved, and it was available for him, and he ended up doing, doing well.\u201d<\/p>\n In light of the hardships he experienced, Major Gen. Graham himself endured some post-traumatic stress during which he struggled to sleep. As a senior leader, he was reluctant to ask for help because everybody knew him and would suspect he was having problems. With encouragement from his wife, he finally saw a doctor who gave him something to help him sleep and brought him a level of healing.<\/p>\n Since his retirement, Major Gen. Graham has been working to give veterans with PTSD the support they need through a call center he runs at Rutgers University called Vet2VetTalk. He said, \u201cVeterans can call in 24 hours a day, seven days a week, and talk to a veteran. So when the phone rings, a veteran answers and they talk about what\u2019s going on, what [they] are going through. The caller can talk as long as they want. They can give as little information as they want, it\u2019s confidential. It can be anonymous if they choose\u2026Our goal is for them to thrive. We work with them to get them into care, whatever they need. Then, when they tell us, \u2018This has been good, thanks, I appreciate your help,\u2019 we tell them, \u2018Don\u2019t forget, you\u2019re never alone. You can always call, 24\/7, there\u2019s a veteran here that\u2019ll answer the phone.'\u201d (To listen to my full interview with Major Gen. Graham, click the podcast link below:<\/em>)<\/a>During an interview on \u201cChristopher Closeup,\u201d Maj. Gen. Graham admitted, \u201cMy wife and I both say this when we [do public speaking engagements]: we think we were part of the stigma. I don\u2019t think we realized it. That\u2019s why I encourage others, \u2018Please don\u2019t be like us. Don\u2019t be the stigma.\u2019 Kevin was struggling, we knew he was struggling, and we didn\u2019t do all we could have done for him. He was getting care, but not the best care he could have had, and we just didn\u2019t understand enough about it. So we don\u2019t want this to happen to anyone else. I think Kevin was ashamed and he didn\u2019t want anyone to know about it. His brother and sister didn\u2019t even know that he was on medication.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/a>As if dealing with Kevin\u2019s death wasn\u2019t bad enough, eight months later their other son Jeff was killed by a roadside bomb in Iraq. Not that it made the Grahams\u2019 feelings of loss any easier, but Jeff, at least, was hailed as a hero. Kevin\u2019s death had been largely met with silence.<\/p>\n<\/a>The Grahams also had to deal with the occasional believer who made their lives more difficult. As Yochi Dreazen recounts in his Christopher Award-winning book<\/a> about the Grahams, \u201cThe Invisible Front: Love and Loss in an Era of Endless War,\u201d<\/a> some Christians told them they were cursed and that Kevin had committed an unpardonable sin by committing suicide. In retrospect, Major Gen. Graham attributes that belief to the stigma around mental illness as well. He told me, \u201cWhen you have something wrong with you, it\u2019s an illness. You died from cancer, you died from this, you died from that. Well, you can die from depression, too. It\u2019s called suicide. [When] you take your own life, you gotta know that something\u2019s wrong there.\u201d<\/p>\n
\n(The Vet2VetTalk phone number is 1-855-838-7481.<\/strong>)<\/p>\n
\n\n\t