Photo from lds.org<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\u00a0<\/p>\n
During the period between roughly my graduation from high school and going away to college, on the one hand, and, on the other, the arrival of my own children, I observed a couple of households that seemed to me pretty much my ideal of the Latter-day Saint family. \u00a0In the years afterward, however, I noticed that even such seemingly \u201cideal\u201d families had problems and experienced sorrows and heartbreaks \u2014 and perhaps, in those two particular cases, ironically even a bit more than their \u201cshare\u201d of such trials and disappointments.<\/p>\n
\u00a0<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve long since given up looking for, let alone thinking that I\u2019ve found, perfection in families. \u00a0It just doesn\u2019t exist in this world \u2014 nor can it, with the flawed human materials that we all are.<\/p>\n
\u00a0<\/p>\n
I remember, though, an experience with a daughter of one of those families. \u00a0She was, she volunteered to me, receiving professional counseling.<\/p>\n
\u00a0<\/p>\n
I think I was fairly surprised. \u00a0But I knew her (or thought I knew her) fairly well \u2014 I had first met her when she was quite a little girl \u2014 so I felt comfortable enough to ask her if she might share what her issue was. \u00a0Perhaps I could even help.<\/p>\n
\u00a0<\/p>\n
Well, she said, she had been abused as a girl.<\/p>\n
\u00a0<\/p>\n
Now, I was definitely shocked.<\/p>\n
\u00a0<\/p>\n
I asked by whom she had been abused, and she said that it was by her family.<\/p>\n
\u00a0<\/p>\n
\u201cPhysically abused?\u201d I asked. \u00a0\u201cSexually abused?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00a0<\/p>\n
No, no, she hastily responded. \u00a0 Neither of those. \u00a0Simply mistreated by her parents.<\/p>\n
\u00a0<\/p>\n
I knew, liked, and deeply respected her parents. \u00a0I had never seen in her family even the slightest hint of abuse, nor any trace of attitudes or personality traits in her parents that might lead to abuse. \u00a0Her parents were kind, warm, loving, intelligent, and funny people, deeply committed to the Gospel but scarcely in a harsh or fanatical way.<\/p>\n
\u00a0<\/p>\n
So I asked her whether she could give me an example of what she meant by \u201cabuse.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00a0<\/p>\n
She thought for a moment or two, and then offered up this example: \u00a0When she was much younger and was sitting around the table with her siblings, her mother brought a homemade cherry pie over from the oven. \u00a0Her mother cut the pie and handed the slices out to those at the table. \u00a0And her sister, she recalled, was given a slightly bigger piece.<\/p>\n
\u00a0<\/p>\n
Seriously. \u00a0That was it.<\/p>\n
\u00a0<\/p>\n
I was completely<\/em> astounded.<\/p>\n\u00a0<\/p>\n
It seems that the counselor whom she was seeing had encouraged her to keep a notebook with her and to write down in it any and all such cases of injustice done to her by her family, as they occurred to her.<\/p>\n
\u00a0<\/p>\n
Doing so was supposed, somehow, to help her overcome whatever specific issue she was seeing him for.<\/p>\n
\u00a0<\/p>\n
It seemed to me, and still seems to me, some of the most foolish advice I\u2019ve ever heard.<\/p>\n
\u00a0<\/p>\n
Anybody can think of slights from even the closest, the most beloved, of family and friends. \u00a0Heck, we can imagine<\/em> such slights when they didn\u2019t even exist<\/em>. \u00a0And dwelling on them can destroy just about any human relationship.<\/p>\n\u00a0<\/p>\n
To dwell on perceived wrongs, to lovingly cherish grudges, to nurture a sense of victimhood, is, surely, one of the worst things that any person can do \u2014 at least, if he or she wishes to be happy and to have relationships with actual flesh-and-blood mortals.<\/p>\n
\u00a0<\/p>\n
\u201cHe who takes offense when no offense is intended is a fool,\u201d said Brigham Young, \u201cand he who takes offense when offense is intended is a greater fool.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00a0<\/p>\n
\u00a0<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
\u00a0 \u00a0 During the period between roughly my graduation from high school and going away to college, on the one hand, and, on the other, the arrival of my own children, I observed a couple of households that seemed to me pretty much my ideal of the Latter-day Saint family. \u00a0In the years afterward, however, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1019,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-63046","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"yoast_head":"\n
On having relationships with real people<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\" During the period between roughly my graduation from high school and going away to college, on the one hand, and, on the other, the arrival\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/danpeterson\/2018\/07\/on-having-relationships-with-real-people.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"On having relationships with real people\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\" During the period between roughly my graduation from high school and going away to college, on the one hand, and, on the other, the arrival\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/danpeterson\/2018\/07\/on-having-relationships-with-real-people.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Sic et Non\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2018-07-18T17:57:12+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2018-09-05T15:53:00+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"http:\/\/wp.production.patheos.com\/blogs\/danpeterson\/files\/2016\/09\/salt-lake-temple-770696-gallery.jpg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Dan Peterson\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Dan Peterson\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"3 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/danpeterson\/2018\/07\/on-having-relationships-with-real-people.html\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/danpeterson\/2018\/07\/on-having-relationships-with-real-people.html\",\"name\":\"On having relationships with real people\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/danpeterson\/#website\"},\"datePublished\":\"2018-07-18T17:57:12+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2018-09-05T15:53:00+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/danpeterson\/#\/schema\/person\/77113e9b09701bd1599fa272c4f65045\"},\"description\":\" During the period between roughly my graduation from high school and going away to college, on the one hand, and, on the other, the arrival\",\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/danpeterson\/2018\/07\/on-having-relationships-with-real-people.html#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/danpeterson\/2018\/07\/on-having-relationships-with-real-people.html\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/danpeterson\/2018\/07\/on-having-relationships-with-real-people.html#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/danpeterson\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"On having relationships with real people\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/danpeterson\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/danpeterson\/\",\"name\":\"Sic et Non\",\"description\":\"\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/danpeterson\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":\"required name=search_term_string\"}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"Person\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/danpeterson\/#\/schema\/person\/77113e9b09701bd1599fa272c4f65045\",\"name\":\"Dan Peterson\",\"image\":{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/danpeterson\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/5ed1a72d26805e35a503e3167599df7c?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/5ed1a72d26805e35a503e3167599df7c?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"caption\":\"Dan Peterson\"},\"description\":\"\\\"Life was very unsatisfying until I discovered Dan's blog, which gave me a reason to live.\\\" (gemli, 7 November 2019)\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/danpeterson\/author\/danpeterson\"}]}<\/script>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"On having relationships with real people","description":" During the period between roughly my graduation from high school and going away to college, on the one hand, and, on the other, the arrival","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/danpeterson\/2018\/07\/on-having-relationships-with-real-people.html","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"On having relationships with real people","og_description":" During the period between roughly my graduation from high school and going away to college, on the one hand, and, on the other, the arrival","og_url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/danpeterson\/2018\/07\/on-having-relationships-with-real-people.html","og_site_name":"Sic et Non","article_published_time":"2018-07-18T17:57:12+00:00","article_modified_time":"2018-09-05T15:53:00+00:00","og_image":[{"url":"http:\/\/wp.production.patheos.com\/blogs\/danpeterson\/files\/2016\/09\/salt-lake-temple-770696-gallery.jpg"}],"author":"Dan Peterson","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","twitter_misc":{"Written by":"Dan Peterson","Est. reading time":"3 minutes"},"schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/danpeterson\/2018\/07\/on-having-relationships-with-real-people.html","url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/danpeterson\/2018\/07\/on-having-relationships-with-real-people.html","name":"On having relationships with real people","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/danpeterson\/#website"},"datePublished":"2018-07-18T17:57:12+00:00","dateModified":"2018-09-05T15:53:00+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/danpeterson\/#\/schema\/person\/77113e9b09701bd1599fa272c4f65045"},"description":" During the period between roughly my graduation from high school and going away to college, on the one hand, and, on the other, the arrival","breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/danpeterson\/2018\/07\/on-having-relationships-with-real-people.html#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/danpeterson\/2018\/07\/on-having-relationships-with-real-people.html"]}]},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/danpeterson\/2018\/07\/on-having-relationships-with-real-people.html#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/danpeterson"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"On having relationships with real people"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/danpeterson\/#website","url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/danpeterson\/","name":"Sic et Non","description":"","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/danpeterson\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":"required name=search_term_string"}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/danpeterson\/#\/schema\/person\/77113e9b09701bd1599fa272c4f65045","name":"Dan Peterson","image":{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/danpeterson\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/","url":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/5ed1a72d26805e35a503e3167599df7c?s=96&d=mm&r=g","contentUrl":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/5ed1a72d26805e35a503e3167599df7c?s=96&d=mm&r=g","caption":"Dan Peterson"},"description":"\"Life was very unsatisfying until I discovered Dan's blog, which gave me a reason to live.\" (gemli, 7 November 2019)","url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/danpeterson\/author\/danpeterson"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/danpeterson\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/63046","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/danpeterson\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/danpeterson\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/danpeterson\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1019"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/danpeterson\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=63046"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/danpeterson\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/63046\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/danpeterson\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=63046"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/danpeterson\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=63046"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/danpeterson\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=63046"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
![\"Salt](\"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/186\/2016\/09\/salt-lake-temple-770696-gallery.jpg\")
<\/a>