{"id":30928,"date":"2019-03-19T11:21:46","date_gmt":"2019-03-19T15:21:46","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/admin.patheos.com\/blogs\/davearmstrong\/?p=30928"},"modified":"2019-03-19T11:21:46","modified_gmt":"2019-03-19T15:21:46","slug":"seeking-a-spouse-happy-marriage-be-friends-first","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/davearmstrong\/2019\/03\/seeking-a-spouse-happy-marriage-be-friends-first.html","title":{"rendered":"Seeking a Spouse & Happy Marriage? Be Friends First"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

\"\"<\/p>\n

I always recommend trying to be friends first when looking for a potential marriage partner. It worked great for my wife Judy and I. We were friends for seven months, then best friends for ten, then we got serious and romantic and knew we would get married.<\/p>\n

All of that supported getting to know each other as people. I knew Judy was a quality person who loved God, and had all the right priorities, and that<\/em> is what is far more attractive (or should be) than looks, personality, how much money someone has, common interests and all that other usual stuff.<\/p>\n

Of course, Judy happens to be a very lovely, beautiful woman as well, so I didn\u2019t have to give that up.\u00a0It\u2019s not a non-factor. We usually need to be physically attracted to someone, to marry them. And it\u2019s a protection in this wild world of lust and obsession with sex (that we all have to deal with on a daily basis). But it\u2019s always better to get to know the opposite gender before the haze and bubble and often, irrationality of romantic love sets in, because \u201clove is blind,\u201d etc.<\/p>\n

If the solid friendship \/ mutual respect aspects are taken care of before romantic love starts, then you don\u2019t have to worry about being misled or fooled, and the anxiety of possible rejection is also far less, leading to extraordinary security, contentment, and happiness. Oftentimes, the worry about rejection and \u201chigh risks\u201d can \u2014 sadly \u2014 sabotage an otherwise solid relationship.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s worked for us for 35 years and counting. We\u2019re as happy as we\u2019ve ever been.<\/p>\n

Whether flirting occurs or not, there are always nonverbal signals sent to indicate an interest in another person. It could be as simple as smiling a lot, listening a lot, gravitating to a person in a room full of people, asking someone a lot of questions, to get to know them better, laughing louder at someone\u2019s jokes, visible nervousness . . .<\/p>\n

Bottom line: we have to get to know the whole person, and these frivolous things (though harmless if not manipulative) don\u2019t help us do that.<\/p>\n

Of course, for the most part, attraction simply sets in: almost involuntarily, and then it\u2019s off to the dog races of romantic love and all that goes with it (and, heaven help us all, if premarital sex results: then we have the cart before the horse and\u00a0greatly jeopardize the long term success of the relationship).<\/p>\n

I realize that, but for some reason that didn\u2019t happen with me and Judy. I had been attracted quickly to girls in the past, like just about every other guy has. I\u2019m no different. I had this notion in my head of what my \u201ctype\u201d was (mostly having to do with outward personality aspects), and Judy didn\u2019t fit it.<\/p>\n

But I have discovered that she actually is<\/em><\/strong> my type. I just didn\u2019t know it yet when we met, or even for some time after that. I knew she was a great person and friend, but wasn\u2019t thinking in terms of \u201cpotential marriage partner\u201d for almost a year-and-a-half. Looking back, I think I must have been blind, but that\u2019s how God wanted it all in His providence, given both our past histories.<\/p>\n

We can still, in any event, cultivate friendships with the opposite sex, and then from that may develop more serious relationships leading to marriage. If they do, they are on a lot more solid ground, I think, on many levels. It\u2019s good to know a person as a person<\/strong><\/em>\u00a0first, rather than as merely a \u201cman\u201d or \u201cwoman.\u201d We\u2019re all human first (things we have in common) and a gender next, in the scheme of things. Loving God (or not) or being morally traditional or loyal (or not) or whatever, are traits that are present or not present in all human beings, irregardless of gender.<\/p>\n

This ties into the aspect of viewing a woman as a human being first, rather than as a mere sexual object or \u201cconquest.\u201d That\u2019s not love; it\u2019s lust and selfishness and manipulation of another person for one\u2019s own selfish ends.<\/p>\n

All kinds of things can happen. It is<\/em><\/strong> possible to start as \u201cbuddies\u201d or friends and to move onto a serious romantic \/ marriage relationship. It sort of blossoms or develops over time. It is\u00a0a fact of my own experience, and of many others. And I think these marriages are mostly successful.<\/p>\n

At present, it seems to happen in only a small number of cases, proportionately, but perhaps it is worth thinking about more, as we see the wreckage of the current shallow dating approach \/ cohabitation \/ fornication scenario all around us. We can\u2019t do any worse than the way we\u2019ve been mostly doing it: so try something new!<\/p>\n

Isn\u2019t it common sense? What is more wise and intelligent (as a generalization) and likely to succeed?:<\/p>\n

1) Being starry-eyed and smitten instantly and seeing mostly outward physical and personality attributes (and often becoming too physical before marriage) and then seeing everything through that lens.<\/p>\n

or:<\/p>\n

2) Getting to truly know a person and all the most important things about them, and allowing the possibility of that turning into romantic love?<\/p>\n

I know all about attraction, believe me. I\u2019m not advocating some pollyannish, unreal thing. I\u2019m just saying: don\u2019t rule it out, and be aware that putting attraction (rather than friendship and more basic relationship-building) first in the scheme of things has many dangers and often, ill results.<\/p>\n

Nor, I might add, was this the way that most cultures throughout history dealt with partner selection. Our modern \u201cdating\u201d approach is basically only a child of the 20th century, if not mid-century. We take these things as given and gospel truths when they are not at all.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s just one method, and a rather unsuccessful one, judging by the sky-high rates of divorce and unhappy marriages.<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

(originally 6-10-13 on Facebook)<\/p>\n

Photo credit:<\/span><\/strong>\u00a0StockSnap\u00a0<\/a>\u00a0(7-31-17)<\/span> [Pixabay<\/a> \/\u00a0Pixabay License<\/a>]<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I always recommend trying to be friends first when looking for a potential marriage partner. It worked great for my wife Judy and I. We were friends for seven months, then best friends for ten, then we got serious and romantic and knew we would get married. 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Sophia Institute Press has published six of his books: \"A Biblical Defense of Catholicism\" (Foreword by Fr. John A. Hardon, S. J., 1996 \/ 2003), \"The Catholic Verses\" (2004), \"The One-Minute Apologist\" (2007), \"Bible Proofs for Catholic Truths\" (2009), \"The Quotable Newman\" (editor: 2012), and \"Proving the Catholic Faith is Biblical\" (2015). He is co-author (with Dr. Paul Thigpen) of the inserts for \"The New Catholic Answer Bible\" (Our Sunday Visitor: 2005), and editor for \"The Wisdom of Mr. Chesterton: The Very Best Quotes, Quips, and Cracks from the Pen of G. K. Chesterton\" (Saint Benedict Press \/ TAN Books: 2009). \"100 Biblical Arguments Against Sola Scriptura\" was published by Catholic Answers in May 2012. His \"Quotable Wesley\" compilation was published by (Protestant \/ Wesleyan publisher) Beacon Hill Press in April 2014. Several of his 49 books are bestsellers in their field. 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