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Atlas Shrugged: The Cobra Commander Dialogues

The sinister Cobra Commander inserts himself into the plot of Atlas Shrugged, accompanying the characters and trying to comprehend the difference between Rand’s heroes and villains, and discovers for himself that even evil has standards.

Written by Daylight Atheism commenter and jet-setting billionaire playboy author Sneezeguard.

Part II, Chapter VI, Part 1
“How did you guys conquer the world if the guys you’re up against are all smarter than you?”

Part II, Chapter VI, Part 2
“The common man is perfectly fine with losing all of his freedom and free will, but if he finds out an industry leader lost a patent he will fight us to the death!”

Part II, Chapter VII, Part 1
“Also maybe I did sink some private ships but from this point on in the story we’re pretending it’s never happened.”

Part II, Chapter VII, Part 2
“It’s gold, people would always trade for it at exactly the exchange rate it is being traded for right now.”

Part II, Chapter VII, Part 3
“No, it’s the future! Where trains rule the world!”

Part II, Chapter VII, Part 4
“I’d like to point out only villains traditionally take pleasure in anyone’s deaths.”

Part II, Chapter VIII, Part 1
“That does seem like an incredibly pointless and stupid kind of evil.”

Part II, Chapter IX, Part 1
“And she’ll never give up her job. I know that for a fact. Because she already gave it up once.”

Part II, Chapter IX, Part 2
“I’ve vast implied off screen abilities.”

Part II, Chapter IX, Part 3
“I need to go kick a puppy or something.”

Part II, Chapter IX, Part 4
“It’s kind of embarrassing that I respect her desires and wishes like a person.”

Part II, Chapter X, Part 1
“That kind of stuff is just out of focus right now.”

Part II, Chapter X, Part 2
“It’s when selfishness is turned to the evil of helping one another that it causes the collapse of everyone, as opposed to a healthy selfishness that causes the collapse of everyone.”

Part II, Chapter X, Part 3
“I went off to find myself for purely selfish reasons so it’s fine. They left to find themselves for purely selfish reasons so it’s atrocious.”

Part II, Chapter X, Part 4
“It’s not stolen. I bribed someone and then took it.”

Part III, Chapter I, Part 1
“I just constantly have the feel of pure hatred on me, which is apparently attractive.”

Part III, Chapter I, Part 2
“Why do I feel like I’m arguing with a small child and not the supposed smartest man in the world?”

Part III, Chapter I, Part 3
“I’ll stop you by doing what I do best. Nothing.”

Part III, Chapter I, Part 4
“I forgot that despite being captains of industry you all are remarkably stupid when it comes to the basics of modern capitalism.”

Part III, Chapter I, Part 5
“It’s one of the few things about your crazy little community that actually rings true.”

Part III, Chapter I, Part 6
“Regular farmers must be just terrible people. It’s the only logical explanation.”

Part III, Chapter I, Part 7
“Oh she’s some crazy person who thinks she’s written this whole world we live in, we let her live here kind of as a joke.”

Part III, Chapter I, Part 8
“You realize you’re not on an alien planet, right?”

Part III, Chapter I, Part 9
“I’m really looking forward to being demoted from owner of my own company to menial laborer!”

Part III, Chapter I, Part 10
“It’s not like I want them to die. I just literally couldn’t be bothered to care.”

Part III, Chapter I, Part 11
“Simply by existing we are the best, and we can prove it by not having to prove it.”

Part III, Chapter I, Part 12
“I find trying highly overrated. It’s something poor people do.”

Part III, Chapter I, Part 13
“Oh please, you think life is so kind as to always feed you the information?”

Part III, Chapter II, Part 1
“While I could be learning about Ray Shield technology, you’d rather me sit here learning about how you go about making toast.”

Part III, Chapter II, Part 2
“At some point she was some kind of active presence who actually went out and did things.”

Part III, Chapter II, Part 3
“It is a cruel, cruel world where someone like myself would only be amazingly wealthy, have numerous gorgeous lovers, be able to strike out in a career that offers me personal fulfillment, and be allowed to do mostly whatever I want.”

Part III, Chapter II, Part 4
“Well, you’ve broken our rules which I never told you or anyone else about and just made up.”

Part III, Chapter II, Part 5
“I immediately accepted his terms even without fully understanding the economic structure of the valley.”

Part III, Chapter II, Part 6
“See, I have emotions! I am experiencing emotions right now!”

Part III, Chapter II, Part 7
“It’s certainly not a dictatorship! We do everything John Galt says.”

Part III, Chapter II, Part 8
“You would think that a completely merit based society only accepting the best and brightest of humanity would probably end up with a healthy mix of people but shockingly it’s mostly white men.”

Part III, Chapter II, Part 9
“Did I mention I was beautiful? I really don’t feel like I say it enough sometimes.”

Part III, Chapter II, Part 10
“You’re both small and have tiny arms, there’s plenty of industrial operations I’m sure you’d be a good fit for.”

Part III, Chapter II, Part 11
“Obviously our system only makes sense when viewed already in operation, and even then not all that much.”

Part III, Chapter II, Part 12
“I have to return to the great world beyond. For there is a giant corporation out there that I cannot bear to abandon in its time of need.”

Part III, Chapter III, Part 1
“This machine is evil! It was designed without the slightest bit of corporate influence!”

Part III, Chapter III, Part 2
“Finally I’m back at the office, back where I belong, looking at all these people that I apparently on some level despise and loathe and rather believe to be deserving of their grisly fates to come.”

Part III, Chapter III, Part 3
“I’m quite cheerful to have learned that the woman I once flew into murderous rages because of has found some measure of happiness with a man other than me.”

Part III, Chapter IV, Part 1
“He’s the greatest villain there ever was! Someone who is not actually as good at their job as they pretend to be!”

Part III, Chapter IV, Part 2
“I think it’s finally time we truly revel in our real villainy here! Cheating on my wife, AHAHAHA! Purely because I wished to do so!”
“Yes! Which is the literal exact same reasoning that my husband Hank had for cheating on me, damn his heroic act!”

Part III, Chapter V, Part 1
“He did it, didn’t he… he blew it all up… he nobly and heroically caused untold property damage and likely many immediate direct deaths due to countless acts of violent sabotage and terrorism.”

Part III, Chapter V, Part 2
“Even though he inexplicably still keeps paying for my lifestyle despite stating open contempt for me, I’m relatively sure the only thing that has kept him from murdering me himself is that I’m such a lowly worm that I’m far beneath his attention and effort to be worth the act.”

Part III, Chapter V, Part 3
“So, your argument is that socialism is bad, because socialists like soy beans but don’t know how to grow them.”

Part III, Chapter V, Part 4
“We could still save the country by completely abandoning half of it. This is a plan that is completely sensible.”

Part III, Chapter V, Part 5
“I really wouldn’t want you to help me in the slightest John, I was just hoping that at this moment when I was at my most vulnerable and helpless you’d have borderline abusive sex with me and then just abandon me.”

Part III, Chapter VI, Part 1
“I’ll just be fading back into being another faceless goon.”

Part III, Chapter VI, Part 2
“I will have revenge for you! Upon all the people who have ever helped and supported you through your entire life!”

Part III, Chapter VI, Part 1
“What you consider the pinnacle of your plan is usually just step one for me.”

Part III, Chapter VI, Part 2
“You can’t save them! You have to let all of them die! You monster! How dare you try and save the world!”

Part III, Chapter VI, Part 3
“Your ultimate plan is to use a handful of middle aged white people as your crack military force to conquer the planet.”

Part III, Chapter VI, Part 4
“I couldn’t make that one sound quite so sarcastic, but I wanted to mention it all the same as it is hilarious.”