Gepetto: Helicopter Parent

Slow news day — or at any rate, slow brain day. This McSweeney’s piece by G. Xavier Robillard is a howl. Enjoy.

FROM: Geppetto@earthlink.com
TO: Sunnydale Elementary Listserv
RE: Hello!

Hello parents, I’m Geppetto, and I’ll bet I’m as excited as anyone to get the class list for Ms. Hudson’s kindergarten. Can you believe school starts next month?

In the class list I noticed that my son’s name is listed as Pinocchio. This is incorrect. Though many of his playmates call him that and the boy himself goes by that name, his full name is PinocchioWoodenboy Geppetto-Schwartz. Note it is PinocchioWoodenboy, without a hyphen. Woodenboy is not his middle name, but rather part of his first name. I know it’s faster to spell Pinocchio, but everyone has a unique and creative name these days.

Please make sure to honor my creativity and help empower my son by referring to him as PinocchioWoodenboy in the classroom and in all correspondence. I’ve sent numerous emails to the Sunnydale office, and new class lists should be coming with his correct name. Feel free to use the attached document with his correct name—you can print it out on self-adhesive labels for use on snack sheets, etc.

Sincerely,
Mastro Geppetto-Schwartz-Shearson-Lehman.

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FROM: Geppetto@earthlink.com
TO: Sunnydale Elementary Listserv
RE: the local park

When PinocchioWoodenboy and I drove to school yesterday I noticed a Cat and Fox sitting on the park bench near Sunnydale. I wasn’t quite sure but I believe they were smoking. Fortunately my son didn’t notice because he’s not tall enough to see from his booster seat and he was distracted—I’m so glad we got the minivan with the TV!

I’m not comfortable with the fact that Sunnydale Elementary abuts a public park. This park should be for the children, and not some frightful ruffians. Does anyone want to join a working group to address this issue? Please feel free to pencil in your name to the list on PinocchioWoodenboy’s back.

Don’t you wish you had a name like “G. Xavier Robillard”? I sure do.