{"id":17095,"date":"2015-06-09T13:46:46","date_gmt":"2015-06-09T19:46:46","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/admin.patheos.com\/blogs\/diaryofawimpycatholic\/?p=17095"},"modified":"2015-06-30T19:23:07","modified_gmt":"2015-07-01T01:23:07","slug":"mamas-dont-let-your-babies-grow-up-to-be-single-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/diaryofawimpycatholic\/2015\/06\/mamas-dont-let-your-babies-grow-up-to-be-single-2\/","title":{"rendered":"Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Single"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

With the vague idea that human souls enjoyed some kind of eternal existence, I have, lately, tortured myself imagining that God had assigned those originally earmarked for my kids, to Muslims. My Tancred, Guy, and Clothilde are now \u2013 I thought \u2013 embodied as Momo, Cherif, and Leila. Instead of taking top honors at Georgetown, they\u2019re skulking around Belleville in hoodies, glowering at documentary filmmakers and making demographers jittery.<\/p>\n

Well, friends assure me that God creates a brand-new soul for each child as it\u2019s conceived. At least on that score, I have nothing with which to reproach myself. Thank goodness for small favors. Since the failure of the project that carried me all the way to Turkey, the Last Chance at Marriage, I have been indicting myself nonstop. To file any new charges would, at this point, be overkill.<\/p>\n

Not long ago, Msgr. Charles Pope denied that God calls anyone to be permanently single.<\/a> (Naturally, he makes exceptions for priests, religious, and consecrated laypeople, e.g. Memores Domini.) Pope\u2019s a monsignor, so I\u2019ll take him at his word, but the implications are horrifying. If he\u2019s right, then throughout my adult life, God has been calling me to be a husband and father, to be fruitful and multiply \u2013 only I wasn\u2019t listening.<\/p>\n

Granted, for nearly all of that life, the concept of vocation had no meaning for me. By the time I entered the Church, at the ripe-to-bursting age of 36, I had made a lot of decisions regarding my career and personal finances that couldn\u2019t, easily, be unmade. Without going into excessive detail, I\u2019ll just say that after bombing the LSATs and dropping out of a journalism grad program, I blew off going for an MBA in finance, a field I\u2019d learned to hate. Instead, I decided to teach myself to write, figuring I\u2019d break into punditry through the back door. For someone content to be single, this seemed reasonable enough. For someone under a divine imperative to prepare himself to support a naturally planned family, it was dereliction of duty, plain and simple.<\/p>\n

The punditry? Well, that didn\u2019t really happen, either.<\/p>\n

There is one point I want to make in my defense: I was never a player \u2013 never really wanted to be one. Back before I deserted the cursus honorum, I was very open to the idea of settling down, but mostly, I think, for the wrong reasons. Since leaving my room at the age of 18, I have found the world to be an incomprehensible, fundamentally hostile, place. I wanted someone to huddle in my bunker with me. Every once in a while, I\u2019d find a willing mark. Sometimes she\u2019d turn out to be as uptight and crabbed as I was, proving that we should be careful what we wish for if we\u2019re wishing for a soul mate. Or, worse, she wouldn\u2019t, which would leave both of us feeling baited and switched. <\/p>\n

For whatever it\u2019s worth, I did, instinctively, grasp the concept of self-giving. The only problem was that I had nothing of any value to give. With no natural talent for laying tile, locating studs, working miracles with duct tape or the like, I was, I maintain, laboring under something of a handicap. I could barely drive a car, much less fix one. (Hank Hill would have pronounced me \u201cnot right.\u201d) From time to time, the thought did float through my mind that overcoming this handicap was a necessary condition for winning and holding a woman\u2019s confidence. Every time, I squashed it \u2013 it was too unfair to be true. All along, God was speaking to me \u2013 through sighs and rolling eyes, in crossed arms and flat affects. As usual, my ears were plugged.<\/p>\n

I was quite aware that the possibility of my spending life alone was real, and, in fact, growing. But I believed with serene confidence that worse fates existed. There was divorce, for one. It seemed to me that even if Tennyson had been right about it being better to have loved and lost, blah-blah, his formula did not extend to marriage, especially marriages that produced kids. This thought crystallized on those occasions when I drove my friend and fellow loan officer back to the Buckeye Street jail, where he was staying, on a work-furlough basis, until he could make enough in commission splits to pay $30,000 in back child support.<\/p>\n

By these habits of thought, then, I\u2019m extraordinarily well adapted to the life I haven\u2019t been called to. In a way, that\u2019s good \u2013 I won\u2019t feel too lonely as I live out my natural span. (The family name, if anyone\u2019s curious, has already been safely deposited in the newer generations by others.) But Catholic parents should read mine as a cautionary tale. Sell the vocation of matrimony to your kids, gang. The skills to live with and be useful to a spouse do not seep in through the umbilical cord; they have to be taught. To make sure they take, use whatever black-hat tactics you can find. Nag, manipulate, withhold love, invent urban legends about crazy cat ladies and gentlemen. Your kids will thank you someday. <\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

With the vague idea that human souls enjoyed some kind of eternal existence, I have, lately, tortured myself imagining that God had assigned those originally earmarked for my kids, to Muslims. My Tancred, Guy, and Clothilde are now \u2013 I thought \u2013 embodied as Momo, Cherif, and Leila. Instead of taking top honors at Georgetown, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":192,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-17095","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"yoast_head":"\nMamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Single<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"With the vague idea that human souls enjoyed some kind of eternal existence, I have, lately, tortured myself imagining that God had assigned those\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/diaryofawimpycatholic\/2015\/06\/mamas-dont-let-your-babies-grow-up-to-be-single-2\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Single\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"With the vague idea that human souls enjoyed some kind of eternal existence, I have, lately, tortured myself imagining that God had assigned those\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/diaryofawimpycatholic\/2015\/06\/mamas-dont-let-your-babies-grow-up-to-be-single-2\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Diary of a Wimpy Catholic\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2015-06-09T19:46:46+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2015-07-01T01:23:07+00:00\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Max Lindenman\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Max Lindenman\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"4 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/diaryofawimpycatholic\/2015\/06\/mamas-dont-let-your-babies-grow-up-to-be-single-2\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/diaryofawimpycatholic\/2015\/06\/mamas-dont-let-your-babies-grow-up-to-be-single-2\/\",\"name\":\"Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Single\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/diaryofawimpycatholic\/#website\"},\"datePublished\":\"2015-06-09T19:46:46+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2015-07-01T01:23:07+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/diaryofawimpycatholic\/#\/schema\/person\/f28642d6ff756d058ed6ff35f876e355\"},\"description\":\"With the vague idea that human souls enjoyed some kind of eternal existence, I have, lately, tortured myself imagining that God had assigned those\",\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/diaryofawimpycatholic\/2015\/06\/mamas-dont-let-your-babies-grow-up-to-be-single-2\/#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/diaryofawimpycatholic\/2015\/06\/mamas-dont-let-your-babies-grow-up-to-be-single-2\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/diaryofawimpycatholic\/2015\/06\/mamas-dont-let-your-babies-grow-up-to-be-single-2\/#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/diaryofawimpycatholic\/\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Single\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/diaryofawimpycatholic\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/diaryofawimpycatholic\/\",\"name\":\"Diary of a Wimpy Catholic\",\"description\":\"A Hedonist Contemplates Heaven\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/diaryofawimpycatholic\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":\"required name=search_term_string\"}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"Person\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/diaryofawimpycatholic\/#\/schema\/person\/f28642d6ff756d058ed6ff35f876e355\",\"name\":\"Max Lindenman\",\"image\":{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/diaryofawimpycatholic\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/2823340b259acd6c04cbc8d94213ca58?s=96&d=mm&r=r\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/2823340b259acd6c04cbc8d94213ca58?s=96&d=mm&r=r\",\"caption\":\"Max Lindenman\"},\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/diaryofawimpycatholic\/author\/maxlindenman\/\"}]}<\/script>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Single","description":"With the vague idea that human souls enjoyed some kind of eternal existence, I have, lately, tortured myself imagining that God had assigned those","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/diaryofawimpycatholic\/2015\/06\/mamas-dont-let-your-babies-grow-up-to-be-single-2\/","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Single","og_description":"With the vague idea that human souls enjoyed some kind of eternal existence, I have, lately, tortured myself imagining that God had assigned those","og_url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/diaryofawimpycatholic\/2015\/06\/mamas-dont-let-your-babies-grow-up-to-be-single-2\/","og_site_name":"Diary of a Wimpy Catholic","article_published_time":"2015-06-09T19:46:46+00:00","article_modified_time":"2015-07-01T01:23:07+00:00","author":"Max Lindenman","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","twitter_misc":{"Written by":"Max Lindenman","Est. reading time":"4 minutes"},"schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/diaryofawimpycatholic\/2015\/06\/mamas-dont-let-your-babies-grow-up-to-be-single-2\/","url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/diaryofawimpycatholic\/2015\/06\/mamas-dont-let-your-babies-grow-up-to-be-single-2\/","name":"Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Single","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/diaryofawimpycatholic\/#website"},"datePublished":"2015-06-09T19:46:46+00:00","dateModified":"2015-07-01T01:23:07+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/diaryofawimpycatholic\/#\/schema\/person\/f28642d6ff756d058ed6ff35f876e355"},"description":"With the vague idea that human souls enjoyed some kind of eternal existence, I have, lately, tortured myself imagining that God had assigned those","breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/diaryofawimpycatholic\/2015\/06\/mamas-dont-let-your-babies-grow-up-to-be-single-2\/#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/diaryofawimpycatholic\/2015\/06\/mamas-dont-let-your-babies-grow-up-to-be-single-2\/"]}]},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/diaryofawimpycatholic\/2015\/06\/mamas-dont-let-your-babies-grow-up-to-be-single-2\/#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/diaryofawimpycatholic\/"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Single"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/diaryofawimpycatholic\/#website","url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/diaryofawimpycatholic\/","name":"Diary of a Wimpy Catholic","description":"A Hedonist Contemplates Heaven","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/diaryofawimpycatholic\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":"required name=search_term_string"}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/diaryofawimpycatholic\/#\/schema\/person\/f28642d6ff756d058ed6ff35f876e355","name":"Max Lindenman","image":{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/diaryofawimpycatholic\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/","url":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/2823340b259acd6c04cbc8d94213ca58?s=96&d=mm&r=r","contentUrl":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/2823340b259acd6c04cbc8d94213ca58?s=96&d=mm&r=r","caption":"Max Lindenman"},"url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/diaryofawimpycatholic\/author\/maxlindenman\/"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/diaryofawimpycatholic\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/17095","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/diaryofawimpycatholic\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/diaryofawimpycatholic\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/diaryofawimpycatholic\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/192"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/diaryofawimpycatholic\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=17095"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/diaryofawimpycatholic\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/17095\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/diaryofawimpycatholic\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=17095"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/diaryofawimpycatholic\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=17095"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/diaryofawimpycatholic\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=17095"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}