{"id":2346,"date":"2011-12-29T19:39:50","date_gmt":"2011-12-30T01:39:50","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/diaryofawimpycatholic\/?p=2346"},"modified":"2015-03-13T15:03:40","modified_gmt":"2015-03-13T21:03:40","slug":"cautionary-tales-for-adults-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/diaryofawimpycatholic\/2011\/12\/cautionary-tales-for-adults-2\/","title":{"rendered":"Cautionary Tales for Adults"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

Seven years before Uncle Tom\u2019s Cabin<\/em> hit the shelves, a German psychiatrist named Heinrich Hoffmann published a compelling plea for racial tolerance. In Der Struwwelpeter,<\/i><\/strong><\/a> which promises \u201cMerry Tales and Funny Pictures\u201d for children, we find a gang of young Aryan ruffians teasing \u201ca woolly-headed black-a-moor.\u201d St. Nicholas (for some reason, called \u201cAgrippa\u201d in the English translation) sees what\u2019s going on and warns them: \u201cBoys, leave the Black-a-moor alone!\/For, if he tries with all his might\/ He cannot change from black to white.\u201d When he realizes he\u2019s wasting his breath, St. Nick \u201cfoams with rage,\u201d and dips the boys in a giant inkstand. When last we see them: <\/p>\n

They have been made as black as crows,
\nQuite black all over, eyes and nose,
\nAnd legs, and arms, and heads, and toes,
\nAnd trousers, pinafores, and toys\u2014
\nThe silly little inky boys!<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cThe black-a-moor,\u201d Hoffmann assures readers, \u201cenjoys the fun\u201d of seeing them made thus.<\/p>\n

Certainly generations of readers enjoyed the fun \u2013 or at any rate, their parents did. For Hoffman had hit on a winning formula: show bad kids getting their just desserts and then some, and people will love you for it. Authors were quick to publish their own I-Can-Read versions of Dante, in some cases improving on Hoffman. In Cautionary Tales for Children,<\/em><\/strong><\/a> published in 1907, Hilaire Belloc commands young readers to empathize with Jim, who breaks free of his nurse while visiting the zoo, and flies right into the maw of Ponto, a hungry lion:<\/p>\n

Now just imagine how it feels
\nWhen first your toes and then your heels,
\nAnd then by gradual degrees,
\nYour shins and ankles, calves and knees,
\nAre slowly eaten, bit by bit.
\nNo wonder Jim detested it\u2026<\/em><\/p>\n

In Slovenly Betsy,<\/i><\/strong><\/a> a sequel aimed especially at girls, Hoffman turns up the juice even higher. His Cry-Baby, ignoring her mother\u2019s exhortations to bear adversity with a smile, cries her eyes literally out:<\/p>\n

And now the poor creature is cautiously crawling
\nAnd feeling her way all around
\nAnd now from their sockets her eyeballs are falling
\nSee, there they are down on the ground.<\/em><\/p>\n

Even she gets a better deal, arguably, than Romping Polly, whose leg snaps off below the knee. Rather than give Polly the brio to overcome her disability and lead a full life, like that kid in Soul Surfer<\/em>, Hoffman tells us she \u201cwent on crutches, it is said\/Until she died so dreary.\u201d<\/p>\n

You could trace the evolution of the genre all the way to Charlie and the Chocolate Factory<\/em> and beyond. My point is, why doesn\u2019t anyone write macabre moralizing verses for misbehaving adults? We\u2019re the ones with the discretionary spending money, and \u2013 it could be argued \u2013 the really serious behavioral problems. Some might find us beyond redemption, but I refuse to believe it.<\/p>\n

Well, I\u2019ve composed my own modest contributions: \u201cBrilliant Benny\u201d and \u201cSexy Marta.\u201d I\u2019ve decided to stay local, where my expertise is. I know nothing about, say, genocide or Ponzi schemes, but I do regard myself as an somewhat of an authority on Internet culture. Both Benny\u2019s mistakes and Marta\u2019s are ever-present temptations in cyberspace. If my portrayals seem other than fond, take my word that such an impression would be misleading. I identify with both of these poor sinners strongly. <\/p>\n

Brilliant Benny knew his stuff<\/strong>
\nIn law and economics;
\nHis bearing was both bold and gruff,
\nHis apercus sardonic.<\/p>\n

But Benny flew into a rage
\nAt any contradiction,
\nLike children in the early stage
\nOf some mental affliction.<\/p>\n

He\u2019d huff and snort and stamp his feet
\nAnd sputter ghastly curses.
\nEmbarrassed friends would cross the street
\nAs strangers clutched their purses.<\/p>\n

He learned, at length, to keep it light,
\nTo hold aloof from quarrels \u2013
\nBut on the \u2018net, alone at night,
\nHe let fly with both barrels.<\/p>\n

\u201cI find quite ludicrous,\u201d he\u2019d post,
\n\u201cYour claim to teach in high school.
\nYour arguments, like melba toast,
\nSnap right in two \u2013 goodbye, fool!\u201d<\/p>\n

He earned a rep; his Nietzsche av
\nStruck terror \u2018cross the Web.
\n\u201cDon\u2019t mess with Benny, or he\u2019ll have
\nYour head \u2013 he\u2019s a celeb!\u201d<\/p>\n

Up stepped a rival one fine day,
\nA kid with a J.D.
\nShe chewed up Ben like a mad moray
\nFor the virtual world to see.<\/p>\n

\u201cYour readings are pathetic, facile;
\nYour posturing is lame.
\nTry getting a life, you obnoxious [censored by filter]!
\nNever mind \u2013 mommy\u2019s calling your name.\u201d<\/p>\n

Nothing Benny posted back
\nUndid his verbal castration.
\nFor calling a mod a partisan hack,
\nHe was banned \u2013 to jubilation.<\/p>\n

Sexy Marta, in her youth,<\/strong>
\nWas tanned and toned and depilated;
\nMany years in tanning booths
\nLeft her wrinkled, desiccated.<\/p>\n

Wanting love as we all do,
\nShe made a point to advertise.
\nOn Facebook, she threw up a slew
\nOf old pictures that drew men like flies.<\/p>\n

See her now on Goa\u2019s beaches,
\nPouting like a hoyden;
\nWith line-free tan, her bare back preaches
\nShe finds bikini tops a burden.<\/p>\n

Handsome Frank, who thought her hot,
\nBegged recent photos hourly,
\nPoor Marta, who dared send them not,
\nWould answer somewhat sourly:<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t have time to pose these days
\nMaybe once I get my hair done.\u201d
\nFrank, in love\u2019s benighting haze,
\nJust wrote back, \u201cOkay, sounds like fun.\u201d<\/p>\n

Their romancing progressed apace
\nFrom Internet to phone,
\nTill Frank, emboldened, played his ace:
\n\u201cLet\u2019s meet in person \u2013 us, alone!<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve got time off and airline miles,
\nAnd friends right in your city.
\nYou\u2019ve ensnared me with your wiles;
\nNow pony up, for love or pity.\u201d<\/p>\n

Long story short: the two did meet;
\nFrank grabbed the check at Sonic.
\nHe said, \u201cI think you\u2019re awfully sweet,
\nLet\u2019s keep this thing platonic.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Seven years before Uncle Tom\u2019s Cabin hit the shelves, a German psychiatrist named Heinrich Hoffmann published a compelling plea for racial tolerance. In Der Struwwelpeter, which promises \u201cMerry Tales and Funny Pictures\u201d for children, we find a gang of young Aryan ruffians teasing \u201ca woolly-headed black-a-moor.\u201d St. Nicholas (for some reason, called \u201cAgrippa\u201d in the […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":192,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[292,293,141,182,224],"class_list":["post-2346","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-heinrich-hoffman","tag-hilaire-belloc","tag-literature","tag-parenting","tag-technology"],"yoast_head":"\nCautionary Tales for Adults<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Seven years before Uncle Tom\u2019s Cabin hit the shelves, a German psychiatrist named Heinrich Hoffmann published a compelling plea for racial tolerance. 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