If Only Obama Would Tebow…

If Only Obama Would Tebow… November 23, 2011

Some git named Rocky Twyman says that the economy would recover and everything would be perfect in America if President Obama would just emulated Tim Tebow and get on his knees and pray more often. Politico reports:

“The entire sports world has been amazed at Tim Tebow’s success in winning games in the last five minutes,” writes Twyman in a release the day after Tebow’s game-winning drive in the final minute against the New York Jets on Thursday. “He does not have the long arm of most NFL quarterbacks, but is a terrific runner. The answer is simple: Tebow GIVES GOD GLORY FOR HIS SUCCESS AND GOD IN TURN BLESSES HIM. Those of us who study the Bible recall the text that says God is a jealous God.”

This is where Obama comes in.

“I and many of my prayer warriors firmly believe that the Obama administration would be able to solve the serious unemployment and economic problems facing this nation if he gave praise and glory to God publicly for the blessings that he has received as president,” Twyman said.

“We have never heard him PUBLICLY thank God for allowing him to become the first black United States president or for awarding him the Nobel Peace Prize after being in office for only 10 days. I dare President Obama to start publicly praising God at his upcoming campaign stops and State of the Union speech. Such acts will result in prosperity for a nation that is on the verge of a financial and spiritual collapse.”

Funny how God always seems to be on the winning side. Denver wins with Tebow because he prays a lot. But there are lots of Christians on the teams they’ve beaten too. He’s hardly the first one to pray after scoring a touchdown. But somehow God only gets credit for the wins, never the blame for the losses.

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  • Tebowing, in my opinion, is trying to show off how much “holier than thou” you are – it is not a reflection of your actual beliefs, just a braggart’s gesture. “Look at me, look at me! I’m righteous!”

  • Yes! Obama should get on his knees, with his head pointed to the kinda southeast, and pray five times a day.

    Oh, wait ….

  • Michael Heath

    Detroit 45, Denver 10

    Tebow’s numbers

    Completions/Attempts: 18/39

    Yards Passing 172

    Yds/pass 4.4

    TD 1

    Int 1

    3 fumbles, 1 lost

    7 sacks

    Quarterback Rating: 56.8

  • d cwilson

    I’ll give Tim Tebow credit: He is the best shitty quarterback in the NFL today.

    I have to admit, I love the term “prayer warrior”. It’s one of my favorite oxymorons.

    Of course, if prayer actually solved anything (as opposed to actually doing something about your problems), then Texas would have avoided months of crippling drought this year.

  • ArtK

    I just read an article where Jake Plummer was criticizing Tebow for praying too much. It boiled down to “we get it, you’re a Christian. Now go play football.”

  • Well, of course God likes Tebow, because God is hardcore old school. He liked the game before the fancy-pancy-hocus-pocus forward pass made the grid-iron into a home of a bunch of field fairies. Now, if there was only a way to get basketball to its former glory, before this “dribbling” ruined everything.

    And I’ve never been clear on why God is a jealous God. Isn’t He omnipotent, why would He be jealous of anything I could do, say or have?

    st. Mandi

  • ShavenYak

    Where was Tebow’s god when Alabama kicked Florida’s ass and made him cry in 2009?

  • anandine

    I’ve never been clear on why God is a jealous God. Isn’t He omnipotent, why would He be jealous of anything I could do, say or have?

    Holytape, Bertrand Russel agreed with you. He said (approximately) he had a hard time believing in a god who was omnipotent and omniscient but had an ego so uncertain that he would be offended by Russell’s not believing in him.

  • slc1

    Re Michael Heath @ #3

    The reason for Mr. Tebow’s poor performance against Detroit can be seen in the seven sacks. As a former call in show host in the DC and previously the Boston areas put it, every quarterback is ordinary or worse under pressure.

  • Ben P

    I’ll give Tim Tebow credit: He is the best shitty quarterback in the NFL today.

    I don’t go in for the whole Tim Tebow fad, but It did make me think about something else.

    Yeah, Tebow is not a good quarterback by NFL standards. Denver has completely changed their playbook to account for a quarterback who can run like a fullback but barely throw the ball.

    But in a sense, that exemplifies pretty well why I love college football but find NFL football to be boring. All the NFL teams run virtually the same playbook, with virtually the same positions. Even the “mediocre” players rarely screw up their jobs badly. And the NFL goes to great lengths to create uniformity among the players by forbidding on-field displays of personality. It’s just boring.

    Even though I don’t like Tebow I like the fact that Denver’s had some success running a playbook filled with veers, and off tackle running plays, and options.

  • greg1466

    How could I have missed it! That completely explains Denver being undefeated! Oh wait, they’re 5-5. Hmm, praying gives you 50/50 results. Almost like pure chance… George Carlin would tell Tebow he’d have better odds praying to Joe Pesci…

  • Sean Boyd

    @3,

    Is this a modern-day example of throwing a Christian to the Lions?

    /ducks rotten tomatoes, runs away

  • sinned34

    The reason for Mr. Tebow’s poor performance against Detroit can be seen in the seven sacks.

    I guess Tebow should have prayed for Greater Defense that day, but instead he requested the spells Bless, Endure Elements and Cure Light Wounds.

  • Aquaria

    And I’ve never been clear on why God is a jealous God. Isn’t He omnipotent, why would He be jealous of anything I could do, say or have?

    The Skeptics Annotated Bible site has a list of the verses that demonstrate YHWH may not have been the only god, and knew it:

    http://skepticsannotatedbible.com/contra/gods.html

  • Aquaria

    I guess Tebow should have prayed for Greater Defense that day, but instead he requested the spells Bless, Endure Elements and Cure Light Wounds.

    A great defense would have caused more sacks, not fewer.

    Although I didn’t see the game, I know enough of the game (I’m Texan after all) to suggest that he probably needed a better offensive line–or to stop praying and pay attention to those guys in the other colored outfits coming at him long enough to get rid of the damned ball.

  • Ben P

    re: Sinned34

    I don’t think endure elements and cure light wounds are sufficient to protect against a level 27 middle linebacker.

  • d cwilson

    @BenP:

    You need at least Bull’s Strength, Bear’s Endurance, and Ironskin to stand up to a Level 27 Linebacker.

  • The answer is simple: Tebow GIVES GOD GLORY FOR HIS SUCCESS AND GOD IN TURN BLESSES HIM.

    If God had anything to do with it, it was by giving the Broncos an awesome defense that sits by in silence while Tebow gets the credit for wins that he contributed very little to.

  • gridlore

    Well, if Tebow is a cleric that would explain his terrible passing. Dex is a dump stat for clerics, and they don’t get missile weapon proficiency.

  • heironymous

    @slc1

    Are you seeing Jesus can’t handle pressure up the middle?

    (Be very careful about drinking Jobu’s rum….)

  • Hercules Grytpype-Thynne

    I think The Onion has said all that needs to be said.

  • Although I didn’t see the game, I know enough of the game (I’m Texan after all) to suggest that he probably needed a better offensive line–or to stop praying and pay attention to those guys in the other colored outfits coming at him long enough to get rid of the damned ball.

    I saw the game, and am a regular football watcher (and Broncos fan), and I can attest that the problem was entirely #15. The line gave him time, he had open receivers, and he could not complete a pass. He had terrible reads. When he did throw to one of his open receivers, the ball typically sailed 10 yards out of bounds. He looked utterly ridiculous.

    Things have improved marginally since. He is still not a good quarterback, but he does play to his strengths (namely, he runs the ball a lot). Denver has been winning mostly due to a great defense and a lot of help from special teams (D and ST score nearly as often as the offense). Tebow hasn’t been bad necessarily, but it’s annoying to no end that he gets the credit when he’s the weakest link.

  • John Hinkle

    Tebow GIVES GOD GLORY FOR HIS SUCCESS AND GOD IN TURN BLESSES HIM.

    Yes, because god has nothing better to do than help one praying man help other men in tights smash their heads against the heads of yet more men in tights in an effort to move an oblong leather ball across the end line of a large rectangle.

  • LightningRose

    Matthew 6:5-6

    King James Version (KJV)

    5 And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward.

    6 But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly.

  • Stevarious

    You need at least Bull’s Strength, Bear’s Endurance, and Ironskin to stand up to a Level 27 Linebacker.

    You know what? D&D spells would make football a WHOLE lot more interesting. “It looks like he’s casting Slow on the whole defensive line – but the Bronco’s defensive wizard is countering with Haste! There’s the throw – and a Mirror Image is on the ball! The receiver must have True Seeing to tell which one is real – and a well placed Mage Hand plucks the ball out of the air! But the play’s not over yet – two Defensive Sorcerers are flying up to catch it! Oooooh! A well timed Dispel Magic from Tebow has both sorcerers on the ground! I hope the clerics can get those bones mended before the next play!”

    (/bluh bluh huge nerd)

    I’d actually watch that. And Tebow’s constant praying would actually be justified.

  • kuralssssp

    I hate Tebow for several reasons. although I am not one now, I used to be a Buckeye fan, and can’t get over that pasting my team suffered at the hands of the Gators in the 2007 BCS. I dislike Tebow’s delusional piety. I dislike Tebow’s gratuitous proselytising. There’s no point in awarding the Heisman to a sunshine state player who gets to make all those fancy moves in nice warm and dry weather without as much as pulling a muscle, while the rosters from the Big10 and some Big12 teams and Northeast conferences have to struggle in icy cold wet weather, constantly trading off their draft future vs. current success. But Tebow is not just another spectacular SEC draft bust, just not yet. He’s not gone as far as JaMarcus Russell. Maybe he wont because he’s got something that NFL drafts generally don’t? Tebow despite my hopes, is turning out to be a sincere learner and giving his darned best to help his team. Even if he is delusional he and giving credit to the sky fairy, he is without his own knowledge developing how a fairly humble atheist athlete would develop. If not for his religiosity, Tebow could be quite a likeable guy, although you couldn’t have a drink with him.

    And I wouldn’t go to town about his record to date. Remember this quarterback who had a horrible first season and then two more? And remember he holds the record for the maximum number of zero QB rating games at three? And remember how this QB’s took almost his whole career to throw more TDs than INTs to compile a career TD/INT of 212-210? And remember him making it to Canton in his 1st year of eligibility? And then not to forget this guy too is a born again type? Because a lot happens, including success, in spite of religiosity!

  • aporeticus

    @LightningRose

    6 But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly.

    I love how the oft publicly recited “Lord’s Prayer” comes right after this.

  • juice

    Don’t they know their own GD bible?

    Matthew 6:5-6 “And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.”

  • d cwilson

    You know what? D&D spells would make football a WHOLE lot more interesting.

    And there’s the snap. Ooh! but the defensive wizard just dropped a Fireball on the offensive line! That’s a sack. No, wait, the QB managed to hand the ball off to the team rogue! Boy, is he glad to have Evasion. And he’s got the first. Now it’s first and goal.

    The offense lines up. Looks like the defensive wizard is getting ready to cast another area effect spell, but wait, the offense counterspells with a Quickened Dispel Magic. And it’s a Dimension Door for the touchdown!

  • Modusoperandi

    But somehow God only gets credit for the wins, never the blame for the losses.

    Obama gets blamed for those.

    Ben P “Yeah, Tebow is not a good quarterback by NFL standards.”

    Yeah. Imagine how bad he’d be without Jesus!

    On a side note, if God is helping him shouldn’t his team get penalized for too many players on the field?

  • The Christian Cynic

    Anyone annoyed with Tebow (as I am – and I’m not even a sports fan, let alone a fan of the NFL) should read this article, which contains gems like:

    I’m sure there are people who manage to escape the demographic rooting pattern this creates. But in broad strokes, it’s fair to say that how you feel about Tebow depends on how you feel about youth groups and Elisabeth Hasselbeck and, I don’t know, WWJD bracelets and raft retreats with a lot of bonfires and swaying. Other religious players are religious individuals; Tebow is a whole culture. It helps that, as an NFL player, he’s both nontraditional and kind of bad, which makes it easy to see his success as guided by a higher power — if a dude with that background and that throwing motion completes a touchdown pass, it almost has to be a miracle.

    Whenever I catch one of Tebow’s games, I tend to lose sight of the scoreboard and just focus on the metacompetition, the weird Joan of Arc drama that seems to go along with everything he does. I imagine a bar under a train station somewhere where the relevant ideas men gather to learn their fates. Did a receiver drop a pass? James Dobson just choked on a nacho. Did Tim throw an interception? Daniel Dennett just chest-bumped Richard Dawkins. Again, I realize that this is stupid, that it’s beyond stupid, but compared to actually watching the Broncos? It’ll do.

  • I agree with Rocky Twyman. Obama should get down on his fuckin’ knees for a week straight, no, make it a month for good measure, on national television no less, and pray to god with all the sincerity he can muster for the economy to miraculously fix itself, for jobs to be created so the unemployment rate drops to 0, and for all the countries of the world to stop fighting with each other.

    Then once everyone realizes that it didn’t work, these assholes like Twyman can shut up, and Obama can go back to his job of being President.

  • dingojack

    Aw, let him credit his god.

    Now if he played gridiron like Niccolò Paganini played violin, or Robert Johnson played guitar, you know who’d be getting the credit! 😉

    Dingo

  • kermit.

    “But somehow God only gets credit for the wins, never the blame for the losses. ”

    When I was a kid, a baby Southern Baptist, I was told to thank Jesus for my talents and good test scores. But if I screwed up, it was my fault.

  • Aquaria

    I saw the game, and am a regular football watcher (and Broncos fan), and I can attest that the problem was entirely #15. The line gave him time, he had open receivers, and he could not complete a pass. He had terrible reads. When he did throw to one of his open receivers, the ball typically sailed 10 yards out of bounds. He looked utterly ridiculous.

    Which is why I said Tebow needed to:

    stop praying and pay attention to those guys in the other colored outfits coming at him long enough to get rid of the damned ball.

    Which is basically saying that if a QB has a good O-line, then the onus is on him to make a damned play. If he can’t, then give him all the time he wants to pray about how he’ll get back into the starting lineup.

  • Aquaria

    Then once everyone realizes that it didn’t work, these assholes like Twyman can shut up, and Obama can go back to his job of being President.

    This is assuming that there’s something worth going back to.

  • Chris from Europe

    Am I the only one who Tebowing might be something sexual?

  • scienceavenger

    Does Rocky not recall Rick Perry’s prayers for rain being followed by more drought? And don’t forget that the Iranians thank their god for everything. Nice role model that.

    As for Tebow, he’s a lousy QB playing in a lousy division, and its only a matter of time until his teammates fail to cover for him. Besides, my gods assure me that Tebow will be kept out of the playoffs, to test his faith…or something.

  • dingojack

    Chris from Europe – I here was I thinking it was something to with recording/replaying TV shows!

    Silly Dingo 🙂

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  • dingojack

    The handle @ #40 – Google Translate renders it as:

    The old articles are automatically removed from the servers, depending on the server, this may vary between one month and a few days. However, there are file servers, such as Google Groups or Gmane1, to allow retrieval“.

    Sounded much sexier in the original, didn’t it?

    🙂 Dingo

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