9 Witches Who Should Never Vote, Ever

9 Witches Who Should Never Vote, Ever November 1, 2018

Everyone is saying, vote, vote, vote…it’s getting old, right? While most Witches *should* be voting, there are a few exceptions. Could one of them apply to you? Read on and see if you should just sit home next week while everyone is at the voting booths!

1.) You eat children when they come to your gingerbread cottage in the woods and you depend on schools being underfunded and communities undereducated so the kids are more likely to fall for your trap.

Elections mean thinking about The Children and how to fund public education. While others might like to have their future community leaders well-educated, your very food source depends on them being as uneducated as possible. Stay home on Tuesday.

2.) You live in a castle of ice bequeathed to you by Witches before you so affordable housing isn’t an issue.

Elsa was your great-great-great-grandmommy. She built your house with sheer, icy fury and left it to you. You’ll never pay a dollar in rent or property taxes. While homelessness may be on the boiling rise due to rampant income inequality and a lack of affordable housing, that’s not your problem, Elsa Jr.! Let it go! Just let voting go!

3.) You are a self-regenerating Witch who was conjured out of a cauldron by a bitter old wizard, so you were never actually born and if you want to reproduce, you just go back to that cauldron and throw some frog legs in it.

 

Repro choice is a strange fairytale for you because you only hang out with self-generating cauldron Witches and neither you or your friends know anyone concerned about the ability to make choices about their reproductive health. Go double, double, and toil…but don’t trouble yourself with voting.

4.) You’re not actually a Witch, but a literal embodiment of The Nothing

You thrive on complete and total destruction. The recent UN report not only doesn’t worry you, you can’t WAIT for the fun to begin! No way would you vote for anyone who might try to stop the upcoming apocalypse.

5.) You are Sauron.

Democracy is for the weak. Or the hobbit-footed. Tyranny is the new thing. Since voting is the antidote for tyranny, sit in your tower and stare at everyone with your big eye.

6.) You’re a Midas Witch.

You were blessed/cursed by the Gods in that everything your pretty hands touch turns to cash, so it doesn’t matter if someone in power is cutting taxes for the very richest, you probably MADE these people rich when you pinched them with your golden thumbs. Since money doesn’t mean anything to you, you shouldn’t vote. You’re set.

7.) You’re an Immortal Elven Queen

You don’t need healthcare because you will live forever, so go bathe in moonlight on Election Day.

 

8.) You’re the Supreme of your own Universe.

 

Basically, nothing you do affects anyone else and nothing anyone will ever do will ever affect you/ You can sit this out as elections are only for people who live in a land with other people and you don’t. Voting isn’t necessary in your completely solitary world.

 

9.) You have no Ancestors. You’re basically an amoeba. Or a fern.

Every human race that ever lived has migrated to a new part of the world and has been new. Therefore, every human has an immigrant ancestor. Except you. You don’t care about contemporary people forced to migrate because ferns don’t migrate and therefore, you are completely distanced from asylum seekers because your ancestors aren’t asking you to take a stand. (Except fern seeds can travel, so you’re not off the hook. Turns out, ferns have to vote).

This means if:
* You care about future leaders being well-educated
* You’re not super-rich
* You’ll EVER need medical care
* You have human Ancestors (to have human Ancestors means you have immigrant Ancestors)
* You interact with other people, even just to glare at them
* You breathe air and drink liquids
* You’d like to keep reproductive choice around
* You’re not a fern. Or you are.

 If any of this final list applies to you, you are a Witch who needs to vote. SO VOTE!

SO VOTE IT BE!!!!

 

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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • Shawn Herles

    “Everyone is saying, vote, vote, vote…it’s getting old, right?”

    Yes, very.

  • Courtney Weber

    A Magickal cure for that? VOTE! Then they’ll all leave you alone. <3

  • On behalf of amoebas everywhere, I would like to point out that we do reproduce and would like to keep our asexual reproductive rights around! How dare you say we shouldn’t vote! 😉

  • Courtney Weber

    Fair point.

  • Michelle

    Fun read! (I came to it late.) Bonus points for including The Neverending Story. I love that movie!

  • Christina Allen