{"id":9022,"date":"2009-12-10T15:03:30","date_gmt":"2009-12-10T15:03:30","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/drishtikone\/2009\/12\/suicide-bombers-strike-over-virgin-issue\/"},"modified":"2009-12-10T15:03:30","modified_gmt":"2009-12-10T15:03:30","slug":"suicide-bombers-strike-over-virgin-issue","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/drishtikone\/2009\/12\/suicide-bombers-strike-over-virgin-issue\/","title":{"rendered":"Suicide Bombers' Strike over Virgin Issue"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

I admit this is not written by me \u2013 but it\u2019s just the most creative piece I have read in a long time.. and hillarious! Enjoy..<\/p>\n

***** *****<\/div>\n

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far failed to produce an agreement.<\/p>\n

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% next January from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.<\/p>\n

The suicide bombers\u2019 union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, \u201cOur members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don\u2019t ask for much in return but to be treated like this by management is a kick in the teeth.\u201d<\/p>\n

Mr. Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce and not by management. \u201cLast Christmas Abu Hamza alone was awarded an annual bonus of 250,000 virgins,\u201d complains Amir. \u201cAnd you can be sure they\u2019ll all be pretty ones too. How can Al Qaeda afford that for members of the management but not 72 for the people who do the real work?\u201d<\/p>\n

Speaking from the shed in the West Midlands where he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, \u201cWe sympathize with our workers\u2019 concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day jihad, in a competitive marketplace.<\/p>\n

Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It\u2019s a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don\u2019t like cutting wages but I\u2019d hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won\u2019t be able to blow themselves up.\u201d He defended management bonuses by claiming these were necessary to attract good fanatical clerics. \u201cHow am I supposed to attract the best people if I can\u2019t compete with the private sector?\u201d asked Mr. Bin-Laden.<\/p>\n

Talks broke down this morning after management\u2019s last-ditch proposal of a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright after a failure to agree on orifice allocation quotas. One virgin, who refused to be named, was quoted as saying \u201cI\u2019ll be buggered if I\u2019m agreeing to anything like that\u2026\u2026..it\u2019s too much of a mouthful to swallow\u201d.<\/p>\n

Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend, suicide bombers will down explosives at midday on Monday. Most branches are supporting the strike. Only the North London branch, which has a different union, is likely to continue working. However, some members of that branch will only be using waist-down explosives in order to express solidarity with their striking brethren.<\/p>\n

Spokespersons in the North East of England, Swindon, North Kent and the entire Australian continent stated that this would not affect their operations as \u201cThere are no virgins in their areas anyway\u201d.<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I admit this is not written by me – but it’s just the most creative piece I have read in a long time.. and hillarious! Enjoy..<\/p>\n

***** *****<\/div>\n","protected":false},"author":1517,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[76],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-9022","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-terrorism"],"yoast_head":"\nSuicide Bombers' Strike over Virgin Issue<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"I admit this is not written by me - but it's just the most creative piece I have read in a long time.. and hillarious! 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