IF IT’S NOT LOVE, THEN IT’S THE BOMB THAT WILL BRING US TOGETHER: The Agitator gives us a Valentine’s Day soundtrack. I of course must present my own, rather different one. I will be spending Valentine’s Day a) swilling orange juice in hopes of warding off this wretched lingering cold, b) commiserating, the time-honored tradition, and c) counseling women with unwanted pregnancies (although for some reason we don’t tend to get too many appointments on Feb. 14…), but that doesn’t mean I have any desire to rain on other people’s parades. Sure, Valentine’s Day is silly and commercialized and generally not-my-thing, but whatever, it’s an excuse to trawl through the tape box and the record stack to bring you this list.

Young Marble Giants, “Searching for Mr. Right” (of course).

Patsy Cline, “Walkin’ After Midnight” (same idea, higher heat).

Blondie, “Dreaming.”

Boiled in Lead, “Gypsy Rover” (drunk-rock version of fun ballad–“She left her father’s castle gate/She left her own true looovvvvvveerrrrrrr/something something something something/For to follow the gypsy roverrrrrrrrrr”).

Louis Armstrong, “Kiss of Fire.”

Big Mama Thornton, “Swing It on Home.”

Huggy Bear, “February 14th” (not a love song–more like, a weird punk band screaming at each other. Fun stuff).

Dead Milkmen, “Punk Rock Girl.”

Nina Simone, “Sugar in My Bowl” (or maybe “Real Real Real”).

Screamin’ Jay Hawkins, “I Put a Spell on You” (of course).

Three versions of “Please Don’t Let Me Be Misunderstood” (because I doubt one will be enough)–the Animals, Nina Simone, Elvis Costello.

Cyndi Lauper, “Time After Time” (don’t mess with me, OK? I could have listed “Take My Breath Away”!).

Elvis (THE Elvis), “Blue Moon.”

Must choose one from the Smiths. How to pick?? You could construct a whole crash-and-burn narrative from Smiths songs, from “Handsome Devil” through “There Is a Light That Never Goes Out” through “Bigmouth Strikes Again” and “Death at One’s Elbow” (through, I guess, “This Charming Man”)… I have a strange fondness for “Still Ill,” but in the end, I think I have to go with “Rusholme Ruffians” (“Scratch my name on your arm with a fountain pen/This means you really love me”). Or, from Morrissey’s solo stuff, “Found Found Found” (“I’ve found found found/Someone who’s worth it in this murkiness”–ladies and gentlemen, Morrissey being cheerful, he’ll be here all week).

Rolling Stones, “I Don’t Know Why I Love You.”

…and finally, in the #1 spot, we come to Nena, “99 Luftballons,” in which a charming Valentine-esque gesture inadvertently sparks nuclear war. Yes, that is really what it’s about. The perfect love song for our time. Weaponize Love!