{"id":241,"date":"2011-10-18T19:11:00","date_gmt":"2011-10-18T19:11:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/evetushnet\/2011\/10\/241\/"},"modified":"2011-10-18T19:11:00","modified_gmt":"2011-10-18T19:11:00","slug":"241","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/evetushnet\/2011\/10\/241.html","title":{"rendered":""},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

THIS IS THE ONLY TEXT I WILL EVER BE ABLE TO SEND.<\/span> In which I go through TFLN until I come up with twenty [ETA: \u2026plus] which work for famous authors. At that point I will have mercy on you people; but for now, let\u2019s do this thing. Rough language, asterisked-out but obvious, in the post which follows.<\/p>\n

Caryl Churchill<\/span>, The Skriker<\/span> (especially since this is from the UK!):<\/p>\n

There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she\u2019s hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Philip Roth<\/span>, who will forever be saddled with precisely this public image (you should still read him!):<\/p>\n

LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB C***<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I\u2019m getting a bizarrely Jay MacInerney<\/span> vibe from this one:<\/p>\n

It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

and again (why do I associate him with puppies? is it just his American sentimentality? puppies and cocaine, I think that\u2019s my image of this dude\u2019s writing):<\/p>\n

(717):<\/p>\n

Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
(717):<\/p>\n

Those were the highlights of my night.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

James Goldman<\/a><\/span>:<\/p>\n

(303):<\/p>\n

Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
(1-303):<\/p>\n

But you wear shame so well<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

As soon as I saw this one I said, \u201cOh no! It\u2019s obviously an author I adore\u2026 but which one?!<\/span>\u201d In the end I think it\u2019s probably from The Liar<\/span><\/span>, since that book is something of a pastiche-collage (-soi-disant-femme-fatale-manqu\u00e9) of all the other books I\u2019ve ever loved:<\/p>\n

You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

But I\u2019d also accept Christopher Fry<\/span> or maybe even Tom Stoppard<\/span> (I could see the Communist-bourgeois husband in Rock\u2019n\u2019Roll saying something like this).<\/p>\n

Obvious, but I\u2019m going to go with Kingsley Amis<\/span> for this one, just because of his brilliant \u201contogeny replicates phylogeny\u201d-style description of a hangover<\/a> in Lucky Jim<\/span>:<\/p>\n

I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

A caricature of Cormac McCarthy<\/span>:<\/p>\n

Woke up with a raging boner\u2026good feeling abt this trial<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

(I would also, of course, accept Sweeney Todd<\/span>.)<\/p>\n

Jane Wagner<\/span>, The Search for Signs of Intelligent Life in the Universe<\/span> (\u201cWell I don\u2019t know, I guess she took the plant<\/span> out and put her head<\/span> in!\u201d):<\/p>\n

Um. That\u2019s my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

This is too easy, but Douglas Adams<\/span> (\u201cI felt like I was drunk.\u201d \u201cWhat\u2019s so bad about being drunk?\u201d \u201c\u2026Ever been a glass of water?\u201d):<\/p>\n

(850):<\/p>\n

hungover and i feel like a burrito
(1-850):<\/p>\n

like eating one or like you are one?
(850):<\/p>\n

like i am one.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Quentin Crisp<\/span> on the Blitz:<\/p>\n

How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt \u2018catastrophic event sex\u2019?<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I would also accept Tony Kushner<\/span>.<\/p>\n

Somebody in here has to be The Secret History<\/span><\/span>, and I vote for this guy:<\/p>\n

I\u2019m very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

James Joyce<\/span> (no, think about it and you\u2019ll see that I\u2019m right\u2026 although, now that I\u2019m hesitating, Guillermo Cabrera Infante<\/span> would also work okayish):<\/p>\n

i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

\u2026Ronald Firbank<\/span>:<\/p>\n

If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I was hoping<\/span> we\u2019d get one from Djuna Barnes<\/span>!<\/p>\n

Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Although actually that might\u2019ve been Florence King<\/span> again. Begin again.<\/p>\n

Aristophanes!<\/span>:<\/p>\n

Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Would it betray my lack of learning if I suggested Euripides<\/span>?:<\/p>\n

It\u2019s getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That\u2019s about all he has going for him right now.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

JEAN GENET<\/span>:<\/p>\n

He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

(or possibly Pauline R\u00e9age<\/span>, I\u2019m not picky)<\/p>\n

\u2026also, while we\u2019re on the subject of Genet,<\/p>\n

He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I\u2019ve met the one.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Walker Percy<\/span> or even Wendell Berry<\/span> (it\u2019s blatant enough for Berry, especially given the emoticon, but I like Percy better so I\u2019ll say it\u2019s him):<\/p>\n

Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you\u2019d like!!! \ud83d\ude42<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

oh and hey, as long as we\u2019re decrying the bourgeois pursuit of self,<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Literally any<\/span> college-satire novelist since 1959, but I will go with Hugh Kennedy<\/span>:<\/p>\n

We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

WC Fields<\/span> or Evelyn Waugh<\/span> or practically anybody I like:<\/p>\n

Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Okay, I can\u2019t help myself: Maggie Gallagher<\/span>, since our contemporary marriage debate might be so different if she hadn\u2019t become pregnant in her senior year of college\u2026:<\/p>\n

the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

(and on a serious note, you really should check out her first book, Enemies of Eros<\/span>, and at least the chapter \u201cThe Meaning of Marriage\u201d from her second\u2013no matter what you think about gay issues, she\u2019s amazingly insightful on what it means to be an incarnate being\u2013not someone who has<\/span> a body, but someone who is<\/span> a unity of body and soul)<\/p>\n

OK, this one sounds kind of like a lame Allen Ginsberg, so\u2026 Laurence Ferlinghetti<\/span>??? One of the stupider parts of The Ticket that Exploded<\/span><\/span>?:<\/p>\n

Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you \u201caccidentally\u201d go cosmic bowling?<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

\u2026or Douglas Adams<\/span> again?<\/p>\n

\u2026or some of the student poetry from The Alfred G. Graebner Memorial High School Handbook of Rules and Regulations<\/span>, which by the way is hilarious?<\/p>\n

Caricature of Neil LaBute<\/span> and\/or David Mamet<\/span>:<\/p>\n

I\u2019m not really into her personality. Not that we\u2019ve ever looked for personality in women.
(515):<\/p>\n

That\u2019s only a quality to look for in a second marriage.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Edgar Allan Poe<\/span>:<\/p>\n

What\u2019s the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Mark Z. Danielewski:<\/p>\n

(313):<\/p>\n

I can\u2019t tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
(1-313):<\/p>\n

Christ, I swear you are the high man\u2019s Dr. Seuss.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Something about the \u201cairports as liminal space\u201d thing makes me really think of John Cheever<\/span> for this one\u2026.:<\/p>\n

(734):<\/p>\n

Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
(904):<\/p>\n

So when does your new flight leave?
(734):<\/p>\n

At my shot\/hour ratio\u2026. I leave in 16 shots. I love flying<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

JD\u2019s<\/a><\/span>:<\/p>\n

I tried telling the cop that I don\u2019t do drugs, and that if he\u2019d just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

And in conclusion, sound advice from William S. Burroughs<\/span>:<\/p>\n

Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

(or possibly L. Frank Baum)<\/p>\n

oh wait no, here\u2019s sound advice from George Pelecanos<\/span>:<\/p>\n

I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

THIS IS THE ONLY TEXT I WILL EVER BE ABLE TO SEND. In which I go through TFLN until I come up with twenty [ETA: \u2026plus] which work for famous authors. At that point I will have mercy on you people; but for now, let\u2019s do this thing. Rough language, asterisked-out but obvious, in the […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1071,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-241","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"yoast_head":"\nEve Tushnet<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"THIS IS THE ONLY TEXT I WILL EVER BE ABLE TO SEND. In which I go through TFLN until I come up with twenty which work for famous authors. 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