{"id":725,"date":"2010-06-08T00:35:00","date_gmt":"2010-06-08T00:35:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/evetushnet\/2010\/06\/725\/"},"modified":"2010-06-08T00:35:00","modified_gmt":"2010-06-08T00:35:00","slug":"725","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/evetushnet\/2010\/06\/725.html","title":{"rendered":""},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

\u201cWHAT I LACK IN COMPASSION I MAKE UP FOR IN LACK OF COMPASSION\u201d<\/span>: So I killed the Rat\u2019s<\/a> weekend by introducing her to Texts from Last Night<\/a> (warning: addictive and definitely not family-friendly!) and at some point we got onto this thing of attributing some of the texts to well-known authors. (And Alcibiades.) These aren\u2019t all perfect matches, but they\u2019re fun enough that I\u2019m sharing them\u2026. And be forewarned, this post is no safer for work than the site itself. Cussin\u2019, fussin\u2019, and backslidin\u2019 follow.<\/p>\n

Alcibiades<\/span>:<\/p>\n

i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn\u2019t have a curfew<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Jorge Luis Borges<\/span>:<\/p>\n

(323):
You got in a fight last night?
(818):
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom\u2026he was standing there and I notice he\u2019s got the same shirt as me on so I\u2019m like\u2026dude you should have called me, we look like idiots\u2026he didn\u2019t say anything\u2026so i got pissed and hit him\u2026completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward\u2026weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
(323):
Um\u2026Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Miguel de Cervantes<\/span>:<\/p>\n

Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn\u2019t serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren\u2019t heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Fyodor Dostoevsky<\/span>: He was a controversial figure! I voted for this one:<\/p>\n

(971):
I have two black x marks on my hands.
(503):
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly \u2018I can see your soul from here\u2019
(971):
damnit I wish I could remember that.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

But Ratty said it wasn\u2019t quite right. She votes for this for The Idiot<\/span> specifically:<\/p>\n

why did your cousin post \u201cout tonight\u201d on facebook? doesn\u2019t he know it\u2019s only 1 in the afternoon?
(1-732):
shhh don\u2019t tell him. it\u2019s cloudy out and none of his clocks work<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

and notes that this one echoes a chilling moment from The Brothers Karamazov<\/span>!:<\/p>\n

i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

more Dostoevsky:<\/p>\n

I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

and<\/p>\n

You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

and especially<\/p>\n

I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

(Ratty noted: \u201cit\u2019s really no wonder we were so into Dostoevsky during our major drinking years\u201d)<\/p>\n


Stephen Fry<\/span> (or possibly Portnoy\u2019s Complaint<\/span>):<\/p>\n

just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

This one isn\u2019t quite Heloise<\/a><\/span>:<\/p>\n

She tied me up with her honor cords\u2026<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

(Heloise would have made<\/span> Abelard tie her<\/span> up with her honor cords.)<\/p>\n

O. Henry<\/span>:<\/p>\n

So I went on a date with this girl\u2026and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn\u2019t tell me about to afford my bday present.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Florence King<\/span> (more in her When Sisterhood Was in Flower<\/a><\/span> persona than her Confessions of a Failed Southern Lady<\/span> one):<\/p>\n

All I remember was yelling at him, \u201cIts becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

FRIEDRICH NIETZSCHE ZOMG<\/a><\/span>:<\/p>\n

my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I\u2019m high<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

This could be anybody! But both Ratty and I thought of Walker Percy<\/span> first:<\/p>\n

I\u2019m not a real person
(586):
I\u2019m sorry, everyone knows that<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

This one I had a hard time with. It\u2019s clearly someone, but neither Angela Carter nor Margaret Atwood are quite right, and I haven\u2019t read enough Marilynne Robinson to guess her. So I\u2019m tentatively going with Tom Perrotta<\/span>:<\/p>\n

Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

The modern Cyrano<\/span><\/span>:<\/p>\n

I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You\u2019re welcome.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Philip Roth<\/span>, The Counterlife<\/span>:<\/p>\n

how\u2019s this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I\u2019ll be me. You be you. And we\u2019ll see where it goes<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

and given his line in Sabbath\u2019s Theater<\/span> about \u201cwhat libraries are for\u201d:<\/p>\n

better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

and his sexual petulance in general:<\/p>\n

And next time, don\u2019t pick a fight with me when you\u2019re naked. That\u2019s just not fair<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Jonathan Swift<\/span> (in the \u201cCelia\u201d poems):<\/p>\n

Decided to write a book called \u201cgirls don\u2019t poop and other myths I wish I still believed in\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I could see Evelyn Waugh<\/span> doing this in real life:<\/p>\n

Hit a parked car with a \u201cproperty of Jesus Christ\u201d bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary\u2019s and left it on the windshield.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

And this screams I Am Charlotte Simmons<\/span><\/span>:<\/p>\n

The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman\u2019s suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

And as an exercise for my readers: This one has to be someone! But who???<\/p>\n

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u201cWHAT I LACK IN COMPASSION I MAKE UP FOR IN LACK OF COMPASSION\u201d: So I killed the Rat\u2019s weekend by introducing her to Texts from Last Night (warning: addictive and definitely not family-friendly!) and at some point we got onto this thing of attributing some of the texts to well-known authors. (And Alcibiades.) These aren\u2019t […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1071,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-725","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"yoast_head":"\nEve Tushnet<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"\u201cWHAT I LACK IN COMPASSION I MAKE UP FOR IN LACK OF COMPASSION\u201d: So I killed the Rat's weekend by introducing her to Texts from Last Night (warning:\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/evetushnet\/2010\/06\/725.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"\u201cWHAT I LACK IN COMPASSION I MAKE UP FOR 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