{"id":8633,"date":"2014-07-19T11:36:47","date_gmt":"2014-07-19T15:36:47","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/evetushnet\/?p=8633"},"modified":"2014-07-19T11:36:47","modified_gmt":"2014-07-19T15:36:47","slug":"supporting-friends-family-who-have-cancer-jim-henley","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/evetushnet\/2014\/07\/supporting-friends-family-who-have-cancer-jim-henley.html","title":{"rendered":"Supporting Friends & Family Who Have Cancer: Jim Henley"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

A lot of these \u201cwhat not to say\/do\u201d lists strike me as\u2026 less \u201cactual advice you might use\u201d and more \u201cventing about how nothing anyone says or does will actually fix the problem, everything anyone tries to say can be in its own way painful and humiliating\u201d (which is totally true and important) but this one is not like that.<\/p>\n

Warning: Long.<\/p>\n

I have cancer right now! Here are a few dos and don\u2019ts based on my personal experience. I am sure you\u2019ll find my preferences are not universal, but they seem to be relatively widely shared among cancer patients.<\/p>\n

A few Do\u2019s:<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

1. ASK how you can help. Then do those things if you are able and willing.<\/strong> No point in dropping off today\u2019s twelfth casserole when there are surely genuinely useful things you could do instead.
\n2. If you can afford it and are moved to do so, offer money.<\/strong> Naturally we will demur at least once. But we probably need money. Cancer (in the USA) is expensive. This might end up as Amazon gift certificates or motel room fees for visiting relatives. Cab fare. Just a nice dinner out. Or it might be as general as \u201cHere\u2019s $500. put it to good use.\u201d Grocery-store gift cards, especially places that deliver, are always good. (NB: I\u2019m doing fine money-wise just now. This is not a back-door solicitation.)
\n3. Offer to do specific, time-consuming things that will ease the lives of patients and caregivers. Then do them.<\/strong> Babysitting. Dog-walking. Cat-feeding. Transportation. Oh yes transportation. A lot of people don\u2019t realize that a typical radiation patient has to go to the facility at least once a day for 2 to 6 weeks. That\u2019s 10-30 trips someone<\/em> has to make, and it shouldn\u2019t be the patient, and the patient\u2019s primary caregiver \u2013 if she\u2019s lucky enough to have one \u2013 can use a break.
\n4. Do ask how we are doing and express whatever honest sympathy you have.<\/strong> We all differ here, and few of us want to dwell exclusively on our illness, but it\u2019s the central fact of our lives while it\u2019s going on. We will both feel absurd if we don\u2019t acknowledge it, and avoiding the issue will be exhausting.<\/em><\/p>\n

Now some Don\u2019ts:<\/em><\/strong> \u2026<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

more<\/a><\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

A lot of these \u201cwhat not to say\/do\u201d lists strike me as\u2026 less \u201cactual advice you might use\u201d and more \u201cventing about how nothing anyone says or does will actually fix the problem, everything anyone tries to say can be in its own way painful and humiliating\u201d (which is totally true and important) but this […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1071,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[56,72,417],"class_list":["post-8633","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-friendship","tag-in-the-flesh","tag-jim-henley"],"yoast_head":"\nSupporting Friends & Family Who Have Cancer: Jim Henley<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"A lot of these "what not to say\/do" lists strike me as... less "actual advice you might use" and more "venting about how nothing anyone says or does 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