{"id":8876,"date":"2014-09-27T19:31:17","date_gmt":"2014-09-27T23:31:17","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/admin.patheos.com\/blogs\/evetushnet\/?p=8876"},"modified":"2014-09-27T21:30:32","modified_gmt":"2014-09-28T01:30:32","slug":"misconceptions-a-gay-and-catholic-book-extra","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/evetushnet\/2014\/09\/misconceptions-a-gay-and-catholic-book-extra.html","title":{"rendered":"Misconceptions: A “Gay and Catholic” Book Extra"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

So I initially planned to write this post listing the many weird personal judgments people project onto me when they hear that I\u2019m gay and celibate for religious reasons. I\u2019d then go through the different misconceptions and point out how they\u2019re false w\/r\/t my own life and\/or that of other gay celibate people I know.<\/p>\n

But then I asked myself, \u201cWhat are you hoping to accomplish with this post?\u201d<\/p>\n

These projections or Internet diagnoses reflect the fact that for many people my witness lacks credibility. I just finished reading Love Is Our Mission<\/em><\/a>, a sort of mini catechism prepared by the Archdiocese of Philadelphia in advance of next year\u2019s World Meeting of Families\u2013of which more soon!\u2013and toward the end the thing says, \u201cPopes John Paul II and Benedict XVI both had occasion to quote a passage from Paul VI\u2019s apostolic exhortation Evangelii Nuntiandi<\/em>: \u2018Modern man listens more willingly to witnesses than to teachers, and if he does listen to teachers, it is because they are witnesses.'\u201d But of course one doesn\u2019t gain personal credibility by asserting that one has it.<\/p>\n

Besides which, a lot of these judgments mean different things to different people, or they can be endlessly sliced ever thinner. So if I say that celibacy has been super hard for me in some respects, e.g. lack of accountability<\/a> or longing to \u201ccome first\u201d for someone<\/a>, but hasn\u2019t been super<\/em> tough in terms of loneliness or sexual need, it\u2019s easy to dismiss the pain I have experienced if it isn\u2019t a type of pain you can relate to or care about.<\/p>\n

So instead let me try this: I\u2019m going to list the misconceptions I frequently run into about celibate-for-religious-reasons gay or same-sex attracted people. Then I\u2019m going to list the misconceptions I frequently run into about gay people who believe gay sex is morally neutral, i.e. ethical in exactly the same circumstances where straight sex would be ethical. (You guys can email me if I miss some, lol.) And then I\u2019ll riff a bit on how I hope we can relate to one another better in these conversations.<\/p>\n

First, stuff people say about me and other celibate gay people!<\/strong> A.k.a. a list of hilarious falsehoods.<\/p>\n

You\u2019re really just asexual\/You must have a low sex drive.<\/p>\n

You\u2019ve never been in love.<\/p>\n

You\u2019ve never really suffered\/You\u2019ve never really suffered due to celibacy\/You\u2019ve never really suffered at the hands of Christians.<\/p>\n

Man, your family must be awful.<\/p>\n

Oh I get it, you were raised a relativist so you fled into fundamentalism.<\/p>\n

ETA: You\u2019ve never doubted your beliefs. You prefer to shake hands with angels, rather than wrestle them. Your faith is a form of certainty, untouched by doubts or fears.<\/p>\n

Probably couldn\u2019t get a date.<\/p>\n

Most obvious virgin.<\/p>\n

And now, a list of stuff people say about gay people who disagree with me<\/strong> on the religious\/moral value of gay sex. A.k.a. a list of falsehoods I actually find way more depressing, because it comes from people I \u201cagree with\u201d in terms of sexual ethics\u2013and because I know I\u2019ve done a couple of the more philosophical-sounding ones:<\/p>\n

I used to be really horny too, when I was younger.<\/p>\n

Lazy\/weak<\/p>\n

Hasn\u2019t tried this one kind of therapy that this guy I know\u2019s brother\u2019s cousin\u2019s parrot\u2019s former owner tried, it totally healed him.<\/p>\n

Basically a relativist, come on.<\/p>\n

ETA: Basically a Protestant, come on.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s so sad that she\u2019s scared of men\u2013I wonder what happened to her.<\/p>\n

Places subjective desire over objective truth.<\/p>\n

Doesn\u2019t understand the meaning of sacrificial love\u2013she thinks she\u2019s a Christian but really she\u2019s a materialist utilitarian, who thinks suffering is the worst thing that can happen to a person. [Combating this specific misconception is one reason I\u2019m so insistent with my whole \u201cthe sacrifice God wants isn\u2019t always the sacrifice you wanted to make<\/a>\u201d shtik. It\u2019s false and insulting to assume that somebody rejects the possibility of sacrificial love just because she isn\u2019t sacrificing in what you believe to be the best way. Plenty of gay marriages are relationships of sacrificial love. Pointing to the Christian path as a better one shouldn\u2019t require denying that fact.]<\/p>\n

Man, your family must be awful.<\/p>\n

\u2026<\/p>\n

We all feel super judged, I think, and super aware of exactly which misconceptions about us others seem determined to cling to. And yet for every guess you make about someone\u2019s personal situation, background, or character, there is at least one person on \u201cthe other side\u201d from you who does not<\/em> fit the profile you\u2019ve created for your opponents. Why not assume that you\u2019re wrong in your judgments, and ask yourself how you\u2019d respond to the person\u2019s claims if you knew for sure that he wasn\u2019t what you initially assumed he was? As Henry Kissinger possibly said, it has the added advantage of (often) being true.<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

So I initially planned to write this post listing the many weird personal judgments people project onto me when they hear that I\u2019m gay and celibate for religious reasons. I\u2019d then go through the different misconceptions and point out how they\u2019re false w\/r\/t my own life and\/or that of other gay celibate people I know. […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1071,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[9],"tags":[441,1264,28,60],"class_list":["post-8876","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-gay-catholic-whatnot","tag-bitter-little-lady","tag-gay-catholic-whatnot","tag-the-sacrifices-god-wants-arent-always-the-sacrifices-you-want-to-make","tag-way-the-hell-off-duty"],"yoast_head":"\nMisconceptions: A "Gay and Catholic" Book Extra<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"So I initially planned to write this post listing the many weird personal judgments people project onto me when they hear that I'm gay and celibate for\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/evetushnet\/2014\/09\/misconceptions-a-gay-and-catholic-book-extra.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Misconceptions: A "Gay and Catholic" Book Extra\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"So I initially planned to write this post listing the many weird personal judgments people project onto me when they hear that I'm gay and celibate for\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/evetushnet\/2014\/09\/misconceptions-a-gay-and-catholic-book-extra.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Eve Tushnet\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2014-09-27T23:31:17+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2014-09-28T01:30:32+00:00\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Eve Tushnet\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Eve Tushnet\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"4 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/evetushnet\/2014\/09\/misconceptions-a-gay-and-catholic-book-extra.html\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/evetushnet\/2014\/09\/misconceptions-a-gay-and-catholic-book-extra.html\",\"name\":\"Misconceptions: A \\\"Gay and Catholic\\\" Book Extra\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/evetushnet\/#website\"},\"datePublished\":\"2014-09-27T23:31:17+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2014-09-28T01:30:32+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/evetushnet\/#\/schema\/person\/ca04686b93c92257f019070302a23415\"},\"description\":\"So I initially planned to write this post listing the many weird personal judgments people project onto me when they hear that I'm gay and celibate for\",\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/evetushnet\/2014\/09\/misconceptions-a-gay-and-catholic-book-extra.html#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/evetushnet\/2014\/09\/misconceptions-a-gay-and-catholic-book-extra.html\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/evetushnet\/2014\/09\/misconceptions-a-gay-and-catholic-book-extra.html#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/evetushnet\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"Misconceptions: A “Gay and Catholic” Book Extra\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/evetushnet\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/evetushnet\/\",\"name\":\"Eve Tushnet\",\"description\":\"Conservatism reborn in twisted sisterhood\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/evetushnet\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":\"required name=search_term_string\"}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"Person\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/evetushnet\/#\/schema\/person\/ca04686b93c92257f019070302a23415\",\"name\":\"Eve Tushnet\",\"image\":{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/evetushnet\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/be87ff28da150cb07788911c22e42ae2?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/be87ff28da150cb07788911c22e42ae2?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"caption\":\"Eve Tushnet\"},\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/evetushnet\/author\/evetushnet\"}]}<\/script>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"Misconceptions: A \"Gay and Catholic\" Book Extra","description":"So I initially planned to write this post listing the many weird personal judgments people project onto me when they hear that I'm gay and celibate for","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/evetushnet\/2014\/09\/misconceptions-a-gay-and-catholic-book-extra.html","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"Misconceptions: A \"Gay and Catholic\" Book Extra","og_description":"So I initially planned to write this post listing the many weird personal judgments people project onto me when they hear that I'm gay and celibate for","og_url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/evetushnet\/2014\/09\/misconceptions-a-gay-and-catholic-book-extra.html","og_site_name":"Eve Tushnet","article_published_time":"2014-09-27T23:31:17+00:00","article_modified_time":"2014-09-28T01:30:32+00:00","author":"Eve Tushnet","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","twitter_misc":{"Written by":"Eve Tushnet","Est. reading time":"4 minutes"},"schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/evetushnet\/2014\/09\/misconceptions-a-gay-and-catholic-book-extra.html","url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/evetushnet\/2014\/09\/misconceptions-a-gay-and-catholic-book-extra.html","name":"Misconceptions: A \"Gay and Catholic\" Book Extra","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/evetushnet\/#website"},"datePublished":"2014-09-27T23:31:17+00:00","dateModified":"2014-09-28T01:30:32+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/evetushnet\/#\/schema\/person\/ca04686b93c92257f019070302a23415"},"description":"So I initially planned to write this post listing the many weird personal judgments people project onto me when they hear that I'm gay and celibate for","breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/evetushnet\/2014\/09\/misconceptions-a-gay-and-catholic-book-extra.html#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/evetushnet\/2014\/09\/misconceptions-a-gay-and-catholic-book-extra.html"]}]},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/evetushnet\/2014\/09\/misconceptions-a-gay-and-catholic-book-extra.html#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/evetushnet"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"Misconceptions: A “Gay and Catholic” Book Extra"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/evetushnet\/#website","url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/evetushnet\/","name":"Eve Tushnet","description":"Conservatism reborn in twisted sisterhood","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/evetushnet\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":"required name=search_term_string"}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/evetushnet\/#\/schema\/person\/ca04686b93c92257f019070302a23415","name":"Eve Tushnet","image":{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/evetushnet\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/","url":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/be87ff28da150cb07788911c22e42ae2?s=96&d=mm&r=g","contentUrl":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/be87ff28da150cb07788911c22e42ae2?s=96&d=mm&r=g","caption":"Eve Tushnet"},"url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/evetushnet\/author\/evetushnet"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/evetushnet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8876","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/evetushnet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/evetushnet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/evetushnet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1071"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/evetushnet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=8876"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/evetushnet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8876\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/evetushnet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=8876"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/evetushnet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=8876"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/evetushnet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=8876"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}