read the whole thing<\/a>, but here\u2019s the part that grabbed me the most.<\/p>\n[Unfortunately, these days] \u00a0\u201cParenting\u201d does not imply a relationship. It implies a philosophy (attachment parenting, free-range parenting, authoritarian parenting) and a skill set that can be learned if one will only read the right books and follow the right methods. It\u2019s become such a pervasive mentality that I\u2019ve spent nearly eight years brushing aside advice to \u201cconsider my relationship with my children\u201d as tangential. I\u2019ve genuinely thought that was a lot of sentimental clap-trap; what matters isn\u2019t our relationship, it\u2019s the rules and how I enforce them, or the gluten, or the co-sleeping, or the crib-training, or this, or that, or anything but this kid breaking down in tears in the living room because all she wants is to have a relationship with her mother.<\/em><\/p>\nI really liked her post and her decision to re-focus on the fact that she knows her children best and that her own relationship with her children\u2014as opposed to some technique or listening to what some expert has to say\u2013is the most important aspect of effective parenting.<\/p>\n
And yet, when I read a post like this, I also see a potential tendency to throw the baby out with the bathwater.\u00a0\u00a0 Along with epiphanies like this\u00a0often comes a\u00a0certain reactionary impulse that says, \u201cthose damn experts have been making me feel so guilty for all this time with all their damn techniques. I\u2019m done with them<\/em>.\u201d\u00a0 Actually, I largely respect this.\u00a0 As Calah points, out, parenting not about technique.\u00a0 It NEVER is.\u00a0 It\u2019s always<\/em> about relationship.<\/p>\nHere\u2019s the Rub<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\nBut to be honest, this is one of the things that\u00a0regularly makes\u00a0me and other attachment parenting experts\u00a0want to beat our heads into a wall.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0This idea that \u201cparenting is\u00a0something you do to<\/em> kids (not a relationship you have with kids)\u201d is so pervasive that\u00a0parents\u00a0can\u2019t help applying it even to\u00a0parenting styles that require rejecting\u00a0that mindset\u2013like attachment parenting<\/em>\u2014\u00a0in order for them to really work!\u00a0\u00a0 People write attachment parenting off as just another set of techniques, just another philosophy, just another set of parenting rubrics set up to make parents feel like failures.\u00a0 But AP is not about techniques at all.\u00a0 It is entirely<\/em> about relationship.<\/p>\n\u201cBut how can you say that, Popcak?!?\u00a0 AP is all about techniques.\u00a0 Co-sleeping, baby wearing, extended nursing, its all \u2018do these THINGS or else your baby will be a brain damaged amoral axe murderer!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\nI am aware that a lot of people think this way, but they are entirely missing the point of AP.\u00a0 They approach AP with their pre-existing \u201cparenting is something you do to<\/em> kid (not a relationship they have with kids)\u201d mindset and completely reduce AP to a series of techniques to which they must slavishly devote themselves\u2026OR ELSE.\u00a0 And, in doing so, \u00a0they completely undermine the effectiveness of AP and most of the benefits they could get from it.<\/p>\nWhat Are You TALKING About, Popcak?<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\u201cWell,\u201d you might ask, \u201cif things like co-sleeping, and baby-wearing, and extended nursing and all the other AP recommendations aren\u2019t techniques, then what are they?\u201d\u00a0 That\u2019s\u00a0a fair question.\u00a0 Let me attempt to answer this way.<\/p>\n
Can you have a relationship\u00a0 with a person without communicating with them?\u00a0 Can you have a relationship with someone without using some kind of language (verbal or non-verbal) to\u00a0interact and get\u00a0to know them?\u00a0 I would say, \u201cno.\u201d\u00a0 Sure, it is possible to have quiet moments with\u00a0a really good friend.\u00a0 Times where you don\u2019t say anything.\u00a0 But those times are dependent on all the things you\u2019ve been through already, all the things you\u2019ve said and done before, all the communication you\u00a0have already shared.\u00a0\u00a0 To have a relationship with a person, you need a way to communicate with them and the way that most people communicate is through language.<\/p>\n
Relationship:\u00a0 The Asperger\u2019s Way<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\nNow, imagine for a moment that you focus on language as a \u201ctechnique.\u201d\u00a0 Imagine that you read communication books and talk to communication experts with the sole purpose of learning the \u201cright formulaic responses\u201d (TM)<\/em> \u00a0that will net you the closest relationship with the least effort possible. What if you treated language as a means to an end, a technique you used on people to\u00a0\u201ccreate relationship.\u201d What if you treated language as just \u201cthings you say to a person in the hopes of getting a particular response?\u201d\u00a0 Would you be missing the point of language?<\/p>\nIn fact, some people do approach language exactly this way.\u00a0 People with high-functioning Autism Spectrum Disorder (formerly called Asperger\u2019s) often see language as a series of formulas they have to memorize to get social interactions \u201cright.\u201d\u00a0 But of course, language doesn\u2019t work that way.\u00a0 Language does facilitate communication which does, in turn, \u00a0facilitates relationship, but if you treat language as a technique, a series of formulas, then it won\u2019t really be communication and it really won\u2019t facilitate relationship.\u00a0 It ends up feeling fake. The harder you try this approach the more frustrated you become.<\/p>\n
Baby Talk<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\nSo let\u2019s bring this back around to parenting. You can\u2019t have a relationship with someone unless you share a common language.\u00a0 What is the language of babies and toddlers?<\/em>\u00a0 It isn\u2019t words.\u00a0\u00a0 It is touch.\u00a0 It is presence.\u00a0<\/em> Babies are very concrete.\u00a0 They feel<\/em> close to a person when they are actually close<\/em> to that person.\u00a0 They feel disconnected<\/em> when they are physically disconnected<\/em> from other people. That isn\u2019t philosophy.\u00a0 That\u2019s a neurological\/psychological fact.<\/p>\nAttachment parenting practices teach parents<\/strong> to speak a baby\u2019s concrete language of touch and presence<\/em>.\u00a0 As adults, we have largely lost touch with the significance of concrete connection.\u00a0 We rely too much on words and symbols to convey closeness.\u00a0 Babies don\u2019t understand any of this.\u00a0 For a baby, if you are touching them, you are in relationship with them. If you aren\u2019t touching them, you\u2019re not.<\/p>\nAttachment parenting practices aren\u2019t techniques as much as they are a way to teach adults how to speak \u201cbaby\u201d again.\u00a0 If you treat\u00a0attachment parenting practices like a technique; if you are counting down the days until you can stop holding your baby, or nursing, or bed-sharing or any of the other things because they are just tiresome tasks some expert told you to do (\u2026or else!), you are like the person with Asperger\u2019s using language as a technique and you will feel frustrated, angry, and burned out because you are missing the forest for the trees.\u00a0\u201cI did all the right things the expert said to\u00a0do <\/em>to this baby. This better work!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\nBut, if you use AP practices as a means of learning to speak \u201cbaby\u201d;<\/em> if you use AP practices to keep yourself close enough to your baby to learn that this<\/em> look means, \u201cI\u2019m hungry\u201d and this<\/em> sound means, \u201cI\u2019m tired\u201d and this<\/em> motion means, \u201cI love you!\u201d then you are not just using attachment parenting techniques on<\/em> your child, you are using attachment parenting as a vehicle for learning the language\u00a0of connection that enables you\u00a0to have a unique and personal\u00a0relationship with your child<\/em>\u2013which is <\/em>what AP is all about.<\/p>\nI don\u2019t want any parent to ever do AP because I or any other \u201cexpert\u201d said this is the right thing to do to your kid.\u00a0 If you take this approach, you\u2019ll fail anyway.\u00a0 Don\u2019t waste your time.\u00a0 AP is not just like every other parenting philosophy that has you do<\/em> certain things to<\/em> a kid in the hopes of getting<\/em> a certain result out<\/em> of a kid.\u00a0 To work, AP requires a different mindset altogether.<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 AP suggests doing certain things\u2013not\u00a0as techniques\u2013but as\u00a0reminders to\u00a0us grown-ups, who have forgotten the grammar and vocabulary of the language\u00a0that is\u00a0presence and touch, to actually tune in to your unique and unrepeatable child so that you can learn how to have a real relationship from day one.\u00a0 A relationship that\u2013once your child begins to learn the language of words and symbols\u2013will be all your own and that will enable you to say with confidence that you are the expert on your child.\u00a0\u00a0 You\u00a0can claim that\u00a0expertise, because you have been speaking this child\u2019s language from\u00a0your very earliest days together and you know your child from the inside out.<\/p>\nTo learn more about how you can become the expert in your child\u2019s life, check out Parenting with Grace:\u00a0 A Catholic Parents\u2019 Guide to Raising (almost) Perfect Kids<\/em><\/a><\/p>\n\u00a0<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
The other day, Calah Alexander had a great post about a parenting epiphany she had.\u00a0\u00a0 You should go read the whole thing, but here\u2019s the part that grabbed me the most. [Unfortunately, these days] \u00a0\u201cParenting\u201d does not imply a relationship. It implies a philosophy (attachment parenting, free-range parenting, authoritarian parenting) and a skill set that […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1437,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[278,6],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1848","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-attachment-2","category-parenting"],"yoast_head":"\n
Waking Up to Relationship: A Call to Parents<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"The other day, Calah Alexander had a great post about a parenting epiphany she had.\u00a0\u00a0 You should go read the whole thing, but here's the part that grabbed\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/faithonthecouch\/2013\/10\/waking-up-to-relationship-a-call-to-parents\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Waking Up to Relationship: A Call to Parents\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"The other day, Calah Alexander had a great post about a parenting epiphany she had.\u00a0\u00a0 You should go read the whole thing, but here's the part that grabbed\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/faithonthecouch\/2013\/10\/waking-up-to-relationship-a-call-to-parents\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Faith on the Couch\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2013-10-24T20:33:30+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2013-10-24T23:08:15+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"http:\/\/wp.patheos.com.s3.amazonaws.com\/blogs\/faithonthecouch\/files\/2013\/10\/kids-150x150.jpg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Rachael Popcak and Dr. Gregory Popcak\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Rachael Popcak and Dr. Gregory Popcak\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"7 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/faithonthecouch\/2013\/10\/waking-up-to-relationship-a-call-to-parents\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/faithonthecouch\/2013\/10\/waking-up-to-relationship-a-call-to-parents\/\",\"name\":\"Waking Up to Relationship: A Call to Parents\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/faithonthecouch\/#website\"},\"datePublished\":\"2013-10-24T20:33:30+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2013-10-24T23:08:15+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/faithonthecouch\/#\/schema\/person\/036d273c0c34123fe8376389dbd3178d\"},\"description\":\"The other day, Calah Alexander had a great post about a parenting epiphany she had.\u00a0\u00a0 You should go read the whole thing, but here's the part that grabbed\",\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/faithonthecouch\/2013\/10\/waking-up-to-relationship-a-call-to-parents\/#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/faithonthecouch\/2013\/10\/waking-up-to-relationship-a-call-to-parents\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/faithonthecouch\/2013\/10\/waking-up-to-relationship-a-call-to-parents\/#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/faithonthecouch\/\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"Waking Up to Relationship: A Call to Parents\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/faithonthecouch\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/faithonthecouch\/\",\"name\":\"Faith on the Couch\",\"description\":\"with Dr. Greg Popcak\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/faithonthecouch\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":\"required name=search_term_string\"}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"Person\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/faithonthecouch\/#\/schema\/person\/036d273c0c34123fe8376389dbd3178d\",\"name\":\"Rachael Popcak and Dr. Gregory Popcak\",\"image\":{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/faithonthecouch\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/46ea41a745d9d34daa699031274efd37?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/46ea41a745d9d34daa699031274efd37?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"caption\":\"Rachael Popcak and Dr. Gregory Popcak\"},\"description\":\"Dr. Gregory Popcak directs the Pastoral Solutions Institute, an organization dedicated to helping Catholics find faith-filled solutions to marriage, family, and personal problems. Together with his wife, Lisa, he hosts More2Life Radio. He is the author of over a dozen books integrating psychological insights with our Catholic faith. For more info about books, tele-counseling and other resources, visit www.CatholicCounselors.com.\",\"sameAs\":[\"http:\/\/www.catholiccounselors.com\"],\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/faithonthecouch\/author\/faithonthecouch\/\"}]}<\/script>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"Waking Up to Relationship: A Call to Parents","description":"The other day, Calah Alexander had a great post about a parenting epiphany she had.\u00a0\u00a0 You should go read the whole thing, but here's the part that grabbed","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/faithonthecouch\/2013\/10\/waking-up-to-relationship-a-call-to-parents\/","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"Waking Up to Relationship: A Call to Parents","og_description":"The other day, Calah Alexander had a great post about a parenting epiphany she had.\u00a0\u00a0 You should go read the whole thing, but here's the part that grabbed","og_url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/faithonthecouch\/2013\/10\/waking-up-to-relationship-a-call-to-parents\/","og_site_name":"Faith on the Couch","article_published_time":"2013-10-24T20:33:30+00:00","article_modified_time":"2013-10-24T23:08:15+00:00","og_image":[{"url":"http:\/\/wp.patheos.com.s3.amazonaws.com\/blogs\/faithonthecouch\/files\/2013\/10\/kids-150x150.jpg"}],"author":"Rachael Popcak and Dr. Gregory Popcak","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","twitter_misc":{"Written by":"Rachael Popcak and Dr. Gregory Popcak","Est. reading time":"7 minutes"},"schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/faithonthecouch\/2013\/10\/waking-up-to-relationship-a-call-to-parents\/","url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/faithonthecouch\/2013\/10\/waking-up-to-relationship-a-call-to-parents\/","name":"Waking Up to Relationship: A Call to Parents","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/faithonthecouch\/#website"},"datePublished":"2013-10-24T20:33:30+00:00","dateModified":"2013-10-24T23:08:15+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/faithonthecouch\/#\/schema\/person\/036d273c0c34123fe8376389dbd3178d"},"description":"The other day, Calah Alexander had a great post about a parenting epiphany she had.\u00a0\u00a0 You should go read the whole thing, but here's the part that grabbed","breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/faithonthecouch\/2013\/10\/waking-up-to-relationship-a-call-to-parents\/#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/faithonthecouch\/2013\/10\/waking-up-to-relationship-a-call-to-parents\/"]}]},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/faithonthecouch\/2013\/10\/waking-up-to-relationship-a-call-to-parents\/#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/faithonthecouch\/"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"Waking Up to Relationship: A Call to Parents"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/faithonthecouch\/#website","url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/faithonthecouch\/","name":"Faith on the Couch","description":"with Dr. Greg Popcak","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/faithonthecouch\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":"required name=search_term_string"}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/faithonthecouch\/#\/schema\/person\/036d273c0c34123fe8376389dbd3178d","name":"Rachael Popcak and Dr. Gregory Popcak","image":{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/faithonthecouch\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/","url":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/46ea41a745d9d34daa699031274efd37?s=96&d=mm&r=g","contentUrl":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/46ea41a745d9d34daa699031274efd37?s=96&d=mm&r=g","caption":"Rachael Popcak and Dr. Gregory Popcak"},"description":"Dr. Gregory Popcak directs the Pastoral Solutions Institute, an organization dedicated to helping Catholics find faith-filled solutions to marriage, family, and personal problems. Together with his wife, Lisa, he hosts More2Life Radio. He is the author of over a dozen books integrating psychological insights with our Catholic faith. For more info about books, tele-counseling and other resources, visit www.CatholicCounselors.com.","sameAs":["http:\/\/www.catholiccounselors.com"],"url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/faithonthecouch\/author\/faithonthecouch\/"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/faithonthecouch\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1848","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/faithonthecouch\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/faithonthecouch\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/faithonthecouch\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1437"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/faithonthecouch\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1848"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/faithonthecouch\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1848\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/faithonthecouch\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1848"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/faithonthecouch\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1848"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/faithonthecouch\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1848"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
![\"\"](\"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/335\/2013\/10\/kids.jpg\" "\\"kids\\"")
<\/a>The other day, Calah Alexander<\/a> had a great post about a parenting epiphany she had.\u00a0\u00a0 You should go read the whole thing<\/a>, but here\u2019s the part that grabbed me the most.<\/p>\n