Kim Cameron-Smith<\/a><\/em><\/p>\nAn acquaintance and I were recently chatting when the subject of parenting came up. I explained that I am an \u201cattachment-minded parent\u201d. He chuckled and said, \u201cBut we\u2019re Christians.\u00a0 Aren\u2019t we supposed to be detached from created things?\u201d\u00a0 He was only joking (I think . . .), but he does raise an interesting question about the difference between the term \u201cattachment\u201d in developmental psychology and the term \u201cdetachment\u201d in spiritual development.<\/p>\n
If Christians value spiritual detachment, can our children become too attached to us?\u00a0 Can their attachment to us prevent them from maturing spiritually?\u00a0 I think the contrary is true:\u00a0 a secure attachment in childhood makes it easier for our children to experience spiritual detachment in adulthood.<\/p>\n
Attachment in Developmental Psychology = GOOD<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\nThe term \u201cattachment\u201d in developmental psychology refers to a process by children form (or fail to form) strong bonds and a sense of security with their parents.\u00a0 A child\u2019s attachment style develops in response to repeated interactions with his parents.\u00a0 It\u2019s like a dance between a child\u2019s needs and the parent\u2019s response that creates an internal working model for all of the child\u2019s relationships; it shapes his expectations about other people and how they will treat him when he is vulnerable emotionally or physically.<\/p>\n
Secure attachment unfolds when parents respond consistently and warmly to a child\u2019s need for comfort and guidance. This attachment gives children a secure base from which to explore the larger world, and helps them learn to regulate their emotions in response to stress and disappointment.<\/p>\n
Insecure attachment might occur because the parents are cold and distant or too harsh (this leads to avoidant attachment).\u00a0 Or the parents may meet the child\u2019s need warmly one day, then disappear the next (this leads to anxious attachment).\u00a0 Children adjust their behaviors to deal with the pain or unpredictability of their relationship with the parent. \u00a0The outcome is unfortunate.\u00a0 These kids don\u2019t trust others, they struggle in friendships with other kids, they have poor self-esteem, they may be aggressive, or lack empathy.<\/p>\n
As they move into adulthood, insecurely attached individuals are frequently crippled in their ability to sustain healthy relationships.\u00a0 Their unresolved emotional pain prevents them from experiencing or forming authentic, loving relationships in which both people are comfortable giving and receiving love.\u00a0 Some adults cope by shutting out people and convincing themselves they don\u2019t need anybody (this behavior is termed \u201cdismissive\u201d).\u00a0 Others become preoccupied by their relationships because they are anxious about the other person\u2019s love for them \u2013 they are clingy and needy (this behavior is termed \u201cpre-occupied\u201d).\u00a0 These attachment stances affect their relationships with their co-workers, spouses, children, and even God.<\/p>\n
Detachment in Spiritual Development\u00a0 = GOOD<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\nChristians strive for spiritual detachment from any inclinations, choices, or relationships that hinder their spiritual growth.\u00a0 We detach ourselves from any obstacle to human flourishing, so that we can in turn re-attach to healthy human relationships and the love of God.<\/p>\n
Think of addictions, obsessions, or a tendency to particular sins \u2013 these are unhealthy attachments.\u00a0 Sometimes our attitudes toward material goods or status become the problem.\u00a0 More is never enough and before we know it we are imprisoned by our stuff or our \u201csuccess.\u201d We find it increasingly difficult to connect with the people we most love; our prayer becomes distant and dry.\u00a0 Sometimes detaching may mean getting a new job or purging our house of the objects that are weighing us down, but frequently we just need an adjustment in our attitude and priorities.<\/p>\n
Maturing Christians even detach themselves from preferring one thing to another. Should my son go to this school or that one?\u00a0 Should I attend a baseball game or my brother\u2019s piano recital?\u00a0 Should I take this new job or stay at my current one? Detachment leads us to a place where we don\u2019t prefer one choice to another; we just want to do what God wants because we love him so much.\u00a0 Most of us struggle with this kind of detachment, but it\u2019s a possible for us all!<\/p>\n
Moral of the story:<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\nCooperating with God to form in our child a secure attachment and capacity for self-giving love will actually make it easier for her to experience spiritual detachment later.\u00a0 Because spiritual detachment requires a kind of inner balance in our hearts toward things and relationships.\u00a0 People with adult attachment disorders often claw at things or people out of a desperate unmet need.\u00a0 This desperation keeps them imprisoned in pain. If our children are emotionally whole, they will be more free to get about the business God has for them to do.<\/p>\n
\u2013Kim Cameron-Smith<\/strong><\/em> is the founder and editor of Tender Tidings<\/em> magazine and www.intentionalcatholicparenting.com<\/a>.\u00a0\u00a0 She lives and homeschools in Northern California with her husband Philip\u00a0and their 4 children. She is a regular contributor on the topic of \u201cintentional Catholic parenting\u201d on Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak\u2019s radio program More2Life<\/a>.\u00a0 Kim is a licensed attorney and a member of the California State Bar.\u00a0\u00a0She holds a B.A. in English from Wellesley College, an M.Phil. in Medieval Literature from Oxford University, a Master of Theological Studies from Harvard University, and a J.D. from U.C. Berkeley.<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"A guest blog by More2Life Radio Contributor, \u00a0Kim Cameron-Smith An acquaintance and I were recently chatting when the subject of parenting came up. I explained that I am an \u201cattachment-minded parent\u201d. He chuckled and said, \u201cBut we\u2019re Christians.\u00a0 Aren\u2019t we supposed to be detached from created things?\u201d\u00a0 He was only joking (I think . . […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1437,"featured_media":3012,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[278,318,6,8],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3011","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-attachment-2","category-family-2","category-parenting","category-spirituality"],"yoast_head":"\n
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<\/a><\/p>\n