{"id":3821,"date":"2017-01-24T08:02:11","date_gmt":"2017-01-24T14:02:11","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/admin.patheos.com\/blogs\/faithonthecouch\/?p=3821"},"modified":"2017-01-24T12:32:16","modified_gmt":"2017-01-24T18:32:16","slug":"alternative-facts-3-ways-solve-conflict-cant-even-agree-happened","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/faithonthecouch\/2017\/01\/alternative-facts-3-ways-solve-conflict-cant-even-agree-happened\/","title":{"rendered":"Alternative Facts? 3 Ways to Solve Conflict When You Can’t Even Agree on What Happened"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

\"Shutterstock\"<\/a>
Shutterstock<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/p>

This past weekend saw \u00a0a lot of discussion about \u201calternative facts.\u201d Whatever you think of the crowd-size kerfuffle between the Trump Admin and the press, the phrase, \u201calternative facts\u201d points to a problem I often encounter in counseling; namely, how can you help two people solve a problem when they can\u2019t even agree on what really happened? \u00a0Is the other person lying? \u00a0Are they stupid? \u00a0Exactly what is wrong with them anyway that they see things in such a radically different way than you do?<\/p>\n

Interestingly, there is a huge body of research showing that people regularly perceive \u201calternative facts\u201d when witnessing the same event. For instance, this article from Scientific American<\/em><\/a> relates the very common problem with the unreliability of eye-witness testimony in court and how, even when people are not intending to commit perjury, witnesses can have very different and even contradicting memories of the very same experience.<\/p>\n

So what can we do when we see things so differently from our spouse, kids, or co-workers that we can\u2019t even agree on what happened, who started it, \u00a0who said what, and\/or who did what to whom much less what to do about it? \u00a0Here are three tips Lisa and I discussed on More2Life Radio<\/a><\/em> that can help you overcome the complications \u201calternative facts\u201d can cause in your disputes with the people you care about.<\/p>\n

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    \n
  1. \u00a0Don\u2019t Expect to Agree On History<\/strong>\u2013It can be frustrating, even scary when you and someone you care about can\u2019t even agree on what happened. \u00a0Be not afraid. \u00a0Even the closest friends, families, \u00a0and couples rarely agree on who said and did what. \u00a0Even in these times, you CAN both agree that you didn\u2019t like the way things happened and you CAN come to an agreement on how to handle things differently the next time something like this comes up. \u00a0Don\u2019t get caught up in arguments about history. \u00a0Listen to each other\u2019s version of events respectfully, but then say, \u201cWell, obviously we see things really differently and that\u2019s ok, but what can we do to handle this better the next time it comes up?\u201d \u00a0Focusing on solutions instead of history allows you to respect your differences while remaining hopeful that your future can be more agreeable than your past or present.<\/span><\/span>\u00a0<\/li>\n
  2. \u00a0Disagreeing isn\u2019t Lying-<\/strong>-Too often when parents and kids or even couples express different versions of the same events they can accuse each other of lying. Of course, if the other person regularly hides things from you, tells half-truths or makes things up, then seek professional help immediately, but if they are generally a truthful, transparent person and that\u2019s why it is so upsetting that they seem to have such different views about what happened, don\u2019t accuse them of lying. \u00a0It isn\u2019t a lie to see things differently. \u00a0Again, as with our first tip, focus on what you <\/span>can<\/span><\/i> agree on, namely, the fact that neither of you like the way things played out and that both of you want to handle the situation better the next time. \u00a0Instead of putting the other person on trial and trying to prove that your version of events should be entered into the official permanent record, concentrate on establishing some ground rules and expectations to handle the next time better<\/span><\/span>\u00a0<\/li>\n
  3. Listen Emotionally MORE Than Factually-<\/strong>-Even when you\u2019re trying to identify solutions for the next time something like this happens, sometimes it can be really tempting to get hung up on the fact that the other person sees things SO radically differently. \u00a0It can be especially hard when they seem to be drawing unkind conclusions about you and your motivations. \u00a0Try not to get caught up in defending yourself from these unkind \u201calternative facts.\u201d \u00a0Instead, listen to the emotions behind<\/em> the accusations. \u00a0For instance, you can say, \u201cI certainly didn\u2019t mean to come off that way, and that was the furthest thing from my mind, but I understand that you felt X (attacked, hurt, disrespected, humiliated, etc.) and I\u2019m really sorry that\u2019s how it seemed. \u00a0What can I do NEXT TIME to make sure I don\u2019t come off that way to you?\u201d \u00a0By using this formula, you don\u2019t have to agree with the other person\u2019s perceptions, but you can still manage to be sensitive to them and do a better job of managing their perceptions in the future.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    Pope St. John Paul the Great\u2019s Theology of the Body (TOB) reminds us that each person is unique and unrepeatable. \u00a0While that sounds great on paper, practically speaking, it means that we all see things very differently. \u00a0Yes, there is such a thing as objective truth, but it can be hard to get there sometimes because our different experiences and different perspectives cause us to emphasize different aspect of an experience to the point where two people can go through the same thing and describe almost two completely different events. \u00a0Despite this, TOB reminds us of the importance of working through or getting past those differences to create a \u201ccommunity of love\u201d where, despite your differences you can still work for each others good and create connection.<\/span><\/p>\n

    If you\u2019d like more information on how you can stop \u201calternative facts\u201d from creating conflict on your relationships, check out When Divorce Is NOT An Option: How to Heal Your Marriage and Nurture Lasting Love.<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n

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    This past weekend saw \u00a0a lot of discussion about \u201calternative facts.\u201d Whatever you think of the crowd-size kerfuffle between the Trump Admin and the press, the phrase, \u201calternative facts\u201d points to a problem I often encounter in counseling; namely, how can you help two people solve a problem when they can\u2019t even agree on what […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1437,"featured_media":3806,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[159,4],"tags":[1181],"class_list":["post-3821","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-forgiveness","category-marriage","tag-alternative-facts"],"yoast_head":"\nAlternative Facts? 3 Ways to Solve Conflict When You Can't Even Agree on What Happened<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"This past weekend saw \u00a0a lot of discussion about "alternative facts." 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