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Still in a bit of a crisis with my gimpy leg, so I\u2019m not sure how much I\u2019ll be able to write tonight or in the near future. Sitting isn\u2019t helpful. Standing is excruciating after sitting. And I can\u2019t seem to manage walking and typing simultaneously. In my defense, walking and chewing gum are still doable, even with the pain and gimp.<\/p>\n
Since I\u2019m in so much pain and it\u2019s difficult to think about anything else, let\u2019s discuss that. I\u2019ve never read C.S. Lewis\u2019 The Problem of Pain<\/em>, but probably should. Perhaps then I could deal with it more effectively. I\u2019ve had much pain throughout my lifespan, both emotional and physical. When I was in the second grade, my teacher invented an award for me called The Long-Suffering Award, just because I was so good at it (twisted, I know). I\u2019ve always resented her for it, because it seemed to set a precedent for my entire life. I mean, maybe by giving me the award, she, in effect, suggested to The Potter that He use me for that which I seemed to be suited, and He took her up on it.<\/p>\n Clearly, I\u2019ve had too much down time. And maybe Motrin.<\/p>\n I may be good at suffering. But what I\u2019m not good at is being my own health advocate whilst intense suffering. I felt I was getting much better at it before this pain and gimpy-ness started, but now, I\u2019m struggling to fight, to advocate, to even appear to be in pain. I have been<\/em> since June. And I\u2019ve asked for an x-ray twice, a CAT scan once, but all were denied.<\/p>\n Then today happened.<\/p>\n I got fed up and finally went to see a spine doctor, and within thirty seconds of questions and observation, I was told to drop my drawers, put on some poofy, flimsy shorts, and get to the x-ray room.<\/p>\n Well, okay then.<\/p>\n Why was that so hard?\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n I have my theories, and a deep part of me wants to curse Obama and his so called care. Nothing\u2019s been the same since it was implemented, including my quality of care, and the amount of hard earned money I have to pay for care. In short, our insurance sucks and is outrageous in price. Add to that the fact that, in the last four months, I\u2019ve mostly not been taken very serious about my pain.<\/p>\n I fully admit that yours truly could be part of the issue. I\u2019ve been too fatigued, brain fogged, and (did I mention in pain?) to form very good sentences. I struggle to find the right words a lot. My blood pressure is up every time I go in, due to pain. The result is that I revert into myself. I block people out because I can\u2019t deal with what\u2019s going on inside and<\/em> outside.<\/p>\n I was guilty of this during all three of my children\u2019s births, too. While the moms down the hall were screaming at the top of their lungs, I was quietly rocking back and forth, closing my eyes, crying, breathing, and, in effect, shoving everyone away unless they had ice chips to offer.<\/p>\n They wouldn\u2019t understand my pain, anyway \u2026\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n It took infinitely more energy to try and communicate during contractions. And besides, I was going to have that baby without meds, even if it killed me. Didn\u2019t want drugs. Just wanted a baby! And to go deeper into an explanation that I know you\u2019re just dying<\/em> to hear \u2026 when in pain, I have<\/em> to concentrate, or it only worsens. Beyond this, I was raised that there was to be no<\/em> whining. Beyond that, I am naturally introverted, and have felt misunderstood most of my life.<\/p>\n I suppose all that adds up to not expressing myself too well in person. In writing, I can whine with the best, and yes I would<\/em> like some cheese with that.<\/p>\n I talk to God a lot. Because He\u2019s the one who, even if I don\u2019t say one audible word, gets it. I don\u2019t even have to form the words in order to cry out to Him, and He simply knows. He\u2019s suffered it all before, and much, much worse. He has borne my grief, carried my sorrows, and knows my heart and mind better than I know it myself. So when I live in such a way, and all of a sudden, I\u2019m in a doctor\u2019s office facing a clinical someone I\u2019ve never seen before and I\u2019m required to pour out my grief? Well \u2026 it doesn\u2019t typically go so well. I\u2019m not very punchy. Just matter of fact. Calm. And eager to be done with the encounter so I can suffer in silence.<\/p>\n My husband alerted me to the fact that I hide pain so well that my own mother (who lives with us) can\u2019t even tell when it\u2019s at its worst. To which I wonder \u2026 what is one required to do? Be dramatic? It\u2019s just not in me to do a bunch of wincing, crying, heavy breathing \u2026 whatever it is that more open people do when they\u2019re in pain. I literally do not know how to communicate that what I\u2019m experiencing requires immediate attention. The way I see it, is that if I say something hurts, believe me. If I say I can\u2019t stand without excruciating pain on one side, believe me (I\u2019m not in this Karate Kid \u00a0stance for no reason). Do you think I like to spend money at the docs office? Do you think I like radiation exposure, contrast dye risks, and time (so much time!) taken from other things I\u2019d like to be doing \u2026 should<\/em> be doing?<\/p>\n Maybe there are hypochondriacs or drug seekers and addicts out there, but I am not one of them. And to assume I am before you even get to know me is insulting, and frankly, causes me to revert deeper and deeper into my shell, because I do not have the oomph to DEAL<\/em>.<\/p>\n Having said that, if I can improve on my end (no pun intended), I want to, as long as it doesn\u2019t include drama. In what ways can I communicate that my butt feels like my son who is a baseball pitcher just threw a 90 mph strike right into it? In what ways can I communicate that my bones feel like they\u2019re separating every time I stand, and pinching a nerve for added excitement? In what ways can I communicate that Motrin gives me intense heartburn and debilitating brain fog? That gabapentin, while helping me sleep and curbing nerve pain, give me worse heartburn and brain fog (for 2 days!) than Motrin? That nothing curbs violent muscle spasms in the night? Also, how can I communicate that if I could just have some IV meds to bypass my entire intestinal tract that is paralyzed and afflicted with an autoimmune disease, I would be ohhhh, so grateful? Does that make me a druggie? If so, then perhaps the definition of druggie needs reforming.<\/p>\n I don\u2019t ask for IV drugs, mind you. For I know what the answer is in advance: No. You must take what ails you further.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n Anyway. My back and butt and leg are screaming for me to take up my chair and walk, even though it\u2019s going to feel like the pitcher son just threw a strike (I know what that feels like, by the way, because I took on in the stomach once!), so I\u2019m signing out. I\u2019m sorry for being all over the place emotionally. For likely not making a lick of sense. For not talking about the John MacArthur and Beth Moore drama instead. Or the seven year old boy whose mother wants to chemically castrate him so she can have her girl. I\u2019m self-absorbed tonight. Introverted from pain. Tired of illness. Weary of the battle. Eager for my new body promised to me in Heaven.<\/p>\n Also, grouchy.<\/p>\n The good news is that via the x-ray taken today, I think we\u2019ve pinpointed the issue, but as I said, a CAT scan IS required for further information. Imagine that. An x-ray and a CAT scan needed \u2026. just as the patient suggested.<\/p>\n ARGH!!!<\/p>\n Those of you who read this via Facebook, please offer your suggestions on how I can better communicate severe pain. I\u2019m being honest when I say I simply grin and bear it, and I do not claim it\u2019s an admirable trait. I know I need to quit it and loosen up. But I don\u2019t know how. If you do, be a pal and a friend. Clue me in.<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" \u00a0 Still in a bit of a crisis with my gimpy leg, so I\u2019m not sure how much I\u2019ll be able to write tonight or in the near future. Sitting isn\u2019t helpful. Standing is excruciating after sitting. And I can\u2019t seem to manage walking and typing simultaneously. In my defense, walking and chewing gum are […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2920,"featured_media":2658,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[21,106,35,972,78,668,423,165],"class_list":["post-2802","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-chronic-illness","tag-doctors","tag-grief","tag-insurance","tag-jesus","tag-obamacare","tag-pain","tag-sorrow"],"yoast_head":"\n