Sacred Marriage<\/a> is a blockbuster that is one of the best books on marriage I\u2019ve ever read. It\u2019s not your typical marriage book. Far from it.<\/p>\nInstead of waxing eloquent on the uniqueness of the book and it\u2019s powerful message, I\u2019ll do you one better. I interviewed Gary about the book.<\/p>\n
Read the interview, and if you plan to get married someday, get the book.<\/p>\n
If you\u2019re already married, get the book.<\/p>\n
If you\u2019re not sure, get the book.<\/p>\n
Enjoy!<\/p>\n
![\"sm\"](\"https:\/\/frankviola.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/10\/sm.jpg\")
<\/p>\n
There are a boatload of books written by Christians on marriage. But your book is unique on the subject. You argue compellingly that marriage is designed to make us holy instead of happy. This will be a new idea to many and some will even be put off by it. What do you mean by this statement?<\/strong><\/p>\nGary Thomas: Let me state first what I don\u2019t <\/em>mean: I don\u2019t mean that happiness and holiness are competitors. On the contrary, I agree with John Wesley that only those who pursue holiness will find happiness. No addict is truly happy. No man who isn\u2019t in control of his anger is going to be happy. No woman who is gripped by materialism is happy. Holiness is the doorway to true, lasting happiness.<\/p>\nWhen Sacred Marriage<\/em> first came out, so many Christian books on marriage simply \u201cbaptized\u201d the world\u2019s aims when it came to marriage: \u201cApply these biblical principles and you\u2019ll have a better, happier, marriage.\u201d I wanted to look at marriage in light of spiritual formation: how God uses this fundamental relationship between a man and woman to help us live a more authentic life in Christ. But that means we have to get rid of lesser motivations.<\/p>\nJesus didn\u2019t say, \u201cCome to me and I\u2019ll make you happier as you do the things you\u2019ve always done, believe the things you\u2019ve always believed, and desire the things you\u2019ve always desired.\u201d He said, \u201cTake up your cross\u2014die to yourselves\u2014and follow me.\u201d We should do entirely different things, we will believe entirely different beliefs, we will desire different desires\u2014if indeed, we are surrendering to the work of the Spirit in our lives. And that should certainly apply in our marriages.<\/p>\n
Many of my readers are single, in their 20s and 30s. What is your best advice for them when it comes to finding a spouse?<\/strong><\/p>\nGary Thomas: First, take your time and get objective counsel. Neurologically, infatuation has a shelf life of about 12 to 18 months. Prior to that, you enter a state that neurologists refer to as \u201cidealization.\u201d You mentally create someone who doesn\u2019t exist\u2014you ascribe strengths that aren\u2019t there, and you are blind to character faults that everyone else can see.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s a lifelong decision, and the consequences are enormous. A good, rich, spiritually fruitful marriage is wonderful, increasingly so. A frustrating marriage is miserable and often gets even worse. Since the potential blessings are so high, and the potential for angst is also so formidable, don\u2019t rush it<\/em>. It\u2019s far better to be richly married for 48 years, than to rush a decision and be unhappily married for 50 years.<\/p>\nSecond, make your faith the driver of your marital choice. Jesus said to seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness (Matthew 6:33). If this doesn\u2019t apply to marriage\u2014arguably, the second most important decision you will ever make\u2014where does it apply?<\/p>\n
Ask yourself, \u201cWill this person help me walk out my relationship with Christ? Will they encourage me and support me in my faith? Can I encourage and support them? Will God\u2019s Kingdom be better served by us joining forces?\u201d The richest marriages I know are ones nurtured by a joint pursuit of life in Christ. It\u2019s not enough that they simply call themselves a Christian\u2014do they pursue life in Christ?<\/p>\n
To the same group, what is your advice on what they can expect when being married?<\/strong><\/p>\nGary Thomas: No Christian journey is identical, and no marital journey is identical. Some saints suffered with doubt and depression (Teresa of Avila). Others had to keep their giddiness under wraps (Brother Lawrence). In the same way, marriages are unique.<\/p>\n
Having said that, expect marriage to be more difficult than you think it will be. Rich, but difficult. I once asked 500 married couples to remain standing if their marriage proved to be easier than they thought it would be. Only 5 couples remained standing (and one of them had only been married for 10 days!).<\/p>\n
So the odds are overwhelming that you will be spiritually and emotionally challenged like you never have before. But in the midst of that challenge, God will refine and purify you and reveal so much of Himself to you. My first year of marriage was very difficult, and we went through another rough patch about 4 years in. Even so, if I had 100 lives to live, I\u2019d still want to be married in every one of them. Marriage and family life is that rich, even in the face of the difficulty.<\/p>\n
What are some of the ideas that they should discard from their thinking when it comes to marriage?<\/strong><\/p>\nGary Thomas:Selfishness, for starters. It\u2019s what kills the majority of marriages. Most of us get married for primarily selfish reasons: we think we\u2019ll have a better life if we marry this person instead of someone else, or than if we stay single. But what if God designed marriage to crush our selfishness and turn us into servants?<\/p>\n
Romans 15:2-3 says that \u201cEach of us should please his neighbor for his good, to build him up. For even Christ did not please Himself.\u201d The vast majority of us get married expecting our spouse to do that for us, all the while forgetting that our spouse wants us to do that for them. Even more important, have we ever asked what God\u2019s agenda for our marriages might be? \u00a0We are so mindful of what we want out of marriage, and often never even ask what God wants out of our marriages.<\/p>\n
Second, discard the notion that if you find \u201cthe one\u201d (for the record, I don\u2019t believe in \u201cthe one\u201d) everything will fall into place. A good marriage isn\u2019t something you find, it\u2019s something you make\u2014and you have to keep on making it. It takes work, intention, and effort.<\/p>\n
If you stop building your marriage, you\u2019ll grow apart from each other and become distant in your marriage. One shower doesn\u2019t get you through the week. One meal won\u2019t usually get you through the day. In the same way, one good year of working on your marriage won\u2019t take you through your lifetime.<\/p>\n
Many people in the USA who are in their 20s and 30s are not getting married, but are instead cohabitating. This practice is even spilling over into the Christian community. What do you have to say about this?<\/strong><\/p>\nGary Thomas: What makes me so sad is that these couples miss out on one of the most profound miracles performed in a church. As a pastor, I never lose the wonder that two individuals walk into a church and leave, by God\u2019s decree, as one couple. Two leave as one. A Christian wedding isn\u2019t just about what two people do or commit to; it\u2019s far more about what God does. It\u2019s holy, it\u2019s powerful, it\u2019s moving, and it\u2019s sacred.<\/p>\n
Couples lose this when they approach sexuality and living with a small-minded and selfish perspective. Marriage isn\u2019t just for our happiness or benefit. It\u2019s to present a picture of Christ and the church to the world. It\u2019s a necessary step to fulfilling the command to be fruitful and multiply.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s to recognize, as Martin Luther said, that God created us most of us to get married to one person for life, and to have children. That\u2019s how God wants most of us to live. To set your life up on another plan\u2014apart from his call\u2014is to rebel against what God has decreed.<\/p>\n
For Christians in their 20s, 30s, and 40s who are having a hard time getting along with their spouse, what is the best advice you can give that will help them find peace in their situation and see improvement?<\/strong><\/p>\nGary Thomas: They need the bigger picture\u2014in other words, the \u201cwhy\u201d of marriage. That\u2019s what I try to provide in Sacred Marriage. <\/em>Have you ever seen the people who drive circles around a gym, trying to locate a close parking spot\u2014before they go in to exercise? They\u2019ve sort of lost the point, haven\u2019t they?<\/p>\nThat\u2019s what we do with marriage\u2014we miss the big picture in search of \u201ccomfort\u201d and a facile \u201chappiness.\u201d People who go to a gym don\u2019t resent that the weights make their bodies sore. They don\u2019t curse at the treadmill for going too fast. They don\u2019t \u201chate\u201d the rowing machine for not being easy. Because they want to get stronger, faster, and leaner, they welcome the hurt because they see the end goal\u2014physical fitness.<\/p>\n
If you desire greater spiritual maturity and a more intimate walk with God, then you\u2019ll accept the challenges of marriage as His tools to help you achieve both. No one would go to a gym and make themselves hurt if there was no purpose. But with purpose, millions of people pay $75 a month to spend time on machines designed to make them sweat and suffer. Go figure.<\/p>\n
If your marriage is making Christ seem more present to you; if it\u2019s turning you into more of a servant; if it\u2019s helping you widen your witness by proclaiming God\u2019s message of reconciliation; if it\u2019s all but forcing you to be ever more dependent on God\u2019s empowering presence and the work of the Holy Spirit, why would you ever leave, if, indeed, your goal is a deeper life in Christ?<\/p>\n
One of the quotes in your book is by Robert Burton who said, \u201cOne was never married, and that\u2019s his hell; another is and that\u2019s his plague.\u201d Please expound on this quote.<\/strong><\/p>\nGary Thomas: It\u2019s a lop-sided truism, largely for comic sense, but it is true in many lives. I can\u2019t tell you how many singles have sweated over getting someone to marry them, and then later in the day a married person will ask me, \u201cDo you think it\u2019ll displease God if I get a divorce?\u201d One\u2019s grief is occasioned by their singleness, while another\u2019s is focused on their marriage. This is a good warning for singles. One of my friends has written, \u201cMarriage doesn\u2019t solve problems, it exposes them. So choose wisely.\u201d<\/p>\n
What I\u2019ve witnessed is that contentment is largely an aspect of character, not of circumstances. People who aren\u2019t very content as singles usually won\u2019t be content as married people either. This is not to shame or disparage singles who want to get married\u2014that\u2019s a holy desire. It\u2019s just that contentment is by and large a choice devoid of circumstances.<\/p>\n
Many of my readers are authors themselves. Tell us the story of how your book ended up selling a half a million copies.<\/strong><\/p>\nGary Thomas: To be honest, the book nearly got swallowed up in anonymity. Four months in, sales were dismal and bookstores were ready to pull the plug. But it started slowly moving by word of mouth, at least enough to keep one or two copies in a store. Then second year sales exceeded first year sales, and third year sales exceeded second year\u00a0sales.<\/p>\n
The marketing campaign was about what you\u2019d expect for a B-level author. Sacred Marriage<\/em> was my fourth book, and the best-selling book before it hadn\u2019t sold even 15,000 copies. You rarely get away from your prior sales numbers as an author\u2014they have a huge impact on a publisher\u2019s marketing budget (or lack thereof).<\/p>\nIt took three years for me to be invited onto Focus on the Family<\/em> and Family Life Today<\/em>, and both of those forums gave it a big boost. (To give hope to future authors who feel ignored, Focus just asked me to do an interview on a book that isn\u2019t even finished yet! Times can change\u2026) Book sales have also benefited from so many colleges and seminaries requiring it in their classes, and churches using it with couples.<\/p>\nFor over ten years, I was on the road doing about 20 Sacred Marriage<\/em> conferences per year, so that helped seed the interest as well. Zondervan doesn\u2019t count the books we sell at the book of the room, but I suspect we were the largest seller for many years.<\/p>\nNo other book of mine has come close to these sales numbers. The spiritual formation books are a particularly hard sell. They find some die-hard fans who sometimes call them life-changing, but it takes those books years to reach even a tenth of what Sacred Marriage<\/em> has sold. \u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\nHow has your book been received?<\/strong><\/p>\nGary Thomas: It certainly started a conversation, and that\u2019s all an author can ask for. A pastor told me that there is a distinct difference in Christian marriage books pre- and post- Sacred Marriage<\/em> (giving it a few years to make its mark). The interesting nugget of truth in that fact, if it is<\/em> a fact, is that the reason Sacred Marriage <\/em>was so different is because of my personal limitations, not because of my strengths. I\u2019m not a trained psychologist or therapist. I wasn\u2019t qualified to write another \u201chow to\u201d marriage book. So I had to write a different book: a \u201cheart to\u201d (how to preserve our heart for marriage) book. And, apparently, the church was thirsty for that perspective.<\/p>\nA couple years ago, I heard a young pastor say, \u201cAs the old saying goes, \u2018what if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?\u2019\u201d and I just smiled. Old saying, indeed. Once an idea permeates the church and gets squeezed into sermons and other books, you no longer \u201cown\u201d it\u2014not like I ever did anyway (I extrapolated a similar idea from Francis De Sales to make it sound more contemporary in formulating my own quote).<\/p>\n
The most frustrating thing is that when I see bloggers debate it, they make \u201chappiness\u201d and \u201choliness\u201d go to war with each other. That\u2019s silly, it\u2019s not biblical, and it\u2019s not true to life. I also grieve over the pastors and counselors that have used it to tell women who were being abused that the purpose of marriage isn\u2019t to make them happy, but holy, and therefore they should stay put in abusive situations.<\/p>\n
That\u2019s such a gross misapplication and that\u2019s why I was very thankful to get to release this updated edition\u2014to fine tune the message and hopefully give the church an even more precise tool about how to think more biblically about marriage.<\/p>\n
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<\/a><\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Most books that are blockbusters (huge best-sellers) in the Christian market are not books that impress me at all. In fact, most of them leave me scratching my head muttering, \u201cwhy on earth did this sell so many copies!\u201d But every now and then there\u2019s an exception to this rule. Gary Thomas\u2019 Sacred Marriage is […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1271,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-6578","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"yoast_head":"\n
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