![\"Lelah1\"](\"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/487\/2014\/12\/Lelah1-286x300.jpg\")
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Leelah\u2019s story is one you have probably heard.\u00a0 The transgender girl who committed suicide in 2014 by stepping in front of an oncoming tractor-trailer, citing her \u201cChristian\u201d parents\u2019 rejection of her as the reason.<\/p>\n
Deep, sad sigh. Heartache. Anger. A life destroyed because of people\u2019s ignorance and cruelty.<\/p>\n
On the Transgender Day of Remembrance<\/strong> we remember and mourn those who have been murdered as a result of transphobia. We also draw attention to the violence endured by transgender people. Some of that violence is physical, emotional and spiritual abuse from faith-based family rejection.<\/p>\n There are no words to express the collective grief over Leelah\u2019s death, and anger at her parents\u2019 misguided actions that drove her to it.<\/p>\n Leelah\u2019s parents made several mistakes and didn\u2019t know it \u2013 or didn\u2019t care.<\/p>\n For those who do<\/em> care, I\u2019ve made a list, drawn from Leelah\u2019s own words, of seven common mistakes \u2013 seven deadly sins \u2013 parents and others make in dealing with transgender youth.<\/em><\/p>\n I include parts of Leelah\u2019s suicide note, indented.<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n 1. Don\u2019t Blame God for \u201cMistakes\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n When I was 14, I learned what transgender meant and cried of happiness. After 10 years of confusion I finally understood who I was.\u00a0I immediately told my mom, and she reacted extremely negatively, telling me that it was a phase, that I would never truly be a girl, that God doesn\u2019t make mistakes, that I am wrong.<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n Who said anything about God making mistakes? Why do we keep hearing about God not making mistakes \u2013 from the people who consider others\u2019 expression of identity and orientation a mistake? <\/em>You\u2019re the ones threatened by what you call a mistake.<\/p>\n It is not trans people, or other LGBTQ people, who talk about God making mistakes. It is non-affirming Christians. The ones who won\u2019t acknowledge anything that doesn\u2019t fit in their box.<\/p>\n Don\u2019t be so ignorant as to speak for God about mistakes, because honestly, you don\u2019t know what you\u2019re talking about.<\/p>\n 2. Don\u2019t Spiritually Abuse Your Child<\/strong><\/p>\n My mom started taking me to a therapist, but would only take me to christian therapists, (who were all very biased) so I never actually got the therapy I needed to cure me of my depression. I only got more christians telling me that I was selfish and wrong and that I should look to God for help.<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n This is a type of conversion therapy, which is being banned in so many places. However, this deadly practice continues every day, in every state, under the protection of religious programs such as troubled teen camps, and pastoral counseling. Okay, so here\u2019s the thing. Amateurs who act as therapists are dangerous \u2014 as\u00a0dangerous as doctors who practice medicine without a license. If your method is already not working for your child, don\u2019t just bring in reinforcements. (Remember the definition of insanity\u2026) You\u2019re<\/em> the one who doesn\u2019t understand your child\u2019s life; you would be wise indeed to find someone to learn from. If you can\u2019t grasp what your child is telling you, find someone to help you understand. These \u201cChristian therapists\u201d paved your child\u2019s road to death. If your medical doctor had such a track record, you would sue them for malpractice. And win.<\/p>\n 3. Don\u2019t Project Your Selfishness Onto Your Child<\/strong><\/p>\n Although the reaction from my friends was positive [after I came out as gay], my parents were pissed. They felt like I was attacking their image, and that I was an embarrassment to them.\u00a0They wanted me to be their perfect little straight Christian boy, and that\u2019s obviously not what I wanted.<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n Tell me if you see the irony here. These parents are worried about their<\/em> image, their<\/em> embarrassment, their<\/em> \u201cperfect little straight Christian boy.\u201d It\u2019s all about them. Then in a classic case of projection, these \u201ctherapists\u201d called Leelah<\/em> \u201cselfish and wrong.\u201d\u00a0Parents, please: admit your own selfishness and then do something about it; but lay off your child. Don\u2019t call them selfish for not giving you what you<\/em> want.<\/p>\n 4. Don\u2019t Be Cruel and Unusually Punishing<\/strong><\/p>\n So they took me out of public school, took away my laptop and phone, and forbid me of getting on any sort of social media, completely isolating me from my friends. This was probably the part of my life when I was the most depressed, and I\u2019m surprised I didn\u2019t kill myself. I was completely alone for 5 months. No friends, no support, no love. Just my parent\u2019s disappointment and the cruelty of loneliness.<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n Don\u2019t add cruelty to an already difficult situation. Don\u2019t practice your own version of cruel and unusual punishment. Don\u2019t practice therapy without a license. How many ways can I say this? We can even use the Bible if you want. \u201cParents, don\u2019t provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them.\u201d Ephesians 6:4. \u201cTreat others the way you\u2019d like to be treated.\u201d Luke 6:31. \u201cWhoever does not love does not know God, for God is love.\u201d 1 John 4:7-8. The Bible calls you the body of Christ. Any sane person does not use a tourniquet on part of their body and expect it to thrive.<\/p>\n 5. Choose Life. Offer Hope.<\/strong><\/p>\n Did you see how Leelah had no hope things would get better? No friends, no support, no love. <\/em>Who can move in those confines?<\/p>\n Speaking of the body of Christ, where is this family\u2019s church? Who spoke any hope to Leelah? (I don\u2019t mean pretend hope, which is \u201chope for change<\/em>.\u201d) Who brought the family up short for their inhumane treatment? The broader church is culpable here too, for teaching and regurgitating this death to each other. We need to use common sense, observe what\u2019s happening around us, and admit that rejection leads to death.<\/em> Rejection is like cutting off a branch and throwing it in the corner and expecting it to grow. Not going to happen. Want a verse? \u201cI call heaven and earth to witness against you today, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and curse. Therefore choose life, that you and your offspring may live.\u201d Deuteronomy 30:19.<\/p>\n Or hear Jesus\u2019 own words. \u201cI came that they may have life and have it abundantly.\u201d John 10:10.<\/p>\n We need to crack a few of those windows and let some sunlight in, because people are suffocating in there.<\/p>\n 6. Don\u2019t Hate Your Child.<\/strong><\/p>\n This one seems like a no-brainer. Obviously we should love not hate our children. But parents keep repeating this mistake, so I guess I\u2019d better lay it out clearly.<\/p>\n If you insist on cruelly and selfishly standing against your child, you will end up with a destroyed child. Results are very clear on this. You will not magically convert your LGBTQ child into someone who fits into your very small box.<\/p>\n One very small example of not hating your child is to respect her. Even after all this, even after she killed herself, you might have smacked your forehead and said, \u201cWe should have respected<\/em> her, listened<\/em> to her, seen<\/em> her \u2014 even when we didn\u2019t understand.\u201d You could have used her preferred name and gender in your Facebook tribute to her. At the very least, that respect is a demonstration of not-hate.<\/p>\n Other parents: now that you\u2019ve read this, you can no longer pretend you are doing this to obey God.<\/em> Understand that God does not ask people to be cruel and selfish and ignorant, and God is not asking you to do this. You are doing this in your own deadly pride, which precedes a calamitous fall. Your child will be depressed, distorted, or dead.<\/p>\n 7. Love Your Child.<\/strong><\/p>\n Be proactive. Love your child in a way that feels like love. Not some convoluted thing about \u201cdoing what\u2019s best for them\u201d which obviously does not pan out when you go tooth and nail against your child. Don\u2019t use the name of Jesus unless you remember how he described love. \u201cGreater love has no one than this: to lay down one\u2019s life for one\u2019s friends.\u201d John 15:13. You may have to lay down your preferences, your pride, your status among those who shouldn\u2019t gossip and judge you anyway.<\/p>\n If you\u2019re going to pull down Jesus\u2019 name on this, then we insist that you heed his main directive to you: Love. Love God and love others. Everything else will fall into place.<\/p>\n (Click here to read Leelah\u2019s story<\/a>.)<\/em><\/p>\n