{"id":1067,"date":"2012-02-20T11:59:02","date_gmt":"2012-02-20T16:59:02","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/frenchrevolution\/?p=1067"},"modified":"2012-02-20T12:05:20","modified_gmt":"2012-02-20T17:05:20","slug":"the-only-real-marriage-review-youll-ever-need-to-read","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/frenchrevolution\/2012\/02\/20\/the-only-real-marriage-review-youll-ever-need-to-read\/","title":{"rendered":"The Only “Real Marriage” Review You’ll Ever Need to Read"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

I know I\u2019m coming late to the Real Marriage<\/a><\/em> party, but I finally finished the book (don\u2019t blame me for being slow! I also had some sic-fi and apocalyptic fiction to read, and zombies always trump marriage books). \u00a0Before I deliver my verdict \u2014 if you care to read it \u2014 let me begin with three disclosures:<\/p>\n

First, not only have I never read a marriage book in my life, Nancy and I did not attend pre-marital counseling, we\u2019ve never been to marriage counseling since marriage, and we\u2019ve never even attended a marriage seminar or marriage class. \u00a0I\u2019m violently allergic to psychobabble \u2014 especially the emasculating psychobabble that so often passes for \u201cwisdom\u201d in church circles \u2014 and that\u2019s exactly how I perceive the vast majority of evangelical marriage advice. \u00a0(While I don\u2019t read the books or go to the counseling, I do hear about it incessantly from friends who do read and who do get counseled. \u00a0Often it seems to do far more harm than good).<\/p>\n

Second, my resistance to marriage books and marriage counseling doesn\u2019t mean that I think I\u2019m some sort of model husband. \u00a0My failings, however, aren\u2019t so much conceptual as practical. \u00a0In other words, I know what I should do and how I should act, but I just don\u2019t do it. \u00a0In other words, my failings aren\u2019t \u201cmistakes,\u201d they\u2019re sins.<\/p>\n

Third, I like Mark Driscoll. \u00a0I don\u2019t claim to be a student of his work or even to listen to him that much, but I like his Reformed outlook, and I very much like that he unashamedly fights back against the feminization of the church. \u00a0When he talks about being alienated from the church because so many of the Christian men he encountered weren\u2019t all that masculine, I completely get what he\u2019s saying. \u00a0Sometimes he can be crude and imprecise in the way he talks about this problem, but frankly too many men are way too sensitive. \u00a0Yes, Mark Driscoll has said some crude things about masculinity. \u00a0Man up and get over it.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Okay, with that as a background, what about the book \u2014 a bestseller that is incredibly real and incredibly raw \u2014 was it good? \u00a0Will it be valuable for married Christians?<\/p>\n

Yes. \u00a0Absolutely. \u00a0But let\u2019s be clear about one thing: This book has a target audience, and it\u2019s not a middle-aged married couple dealing with a looming empty nest or retirees who \u2014 after 40 years of marriage \u2014 just can\u2019t stand each other any more, nor is the target audience pastors. \u00a0This is a book written for the younger evangelical generation, a generation living in the shadow of the sexual revolution. \u00a0Millions of these kids are children of divorce, eighty percent are sexually active before marriage<\/a>, their theological training is suspect, at best, and they\u2019ve too often bought entirely secular ideas regarding marriage, family, and fulfillment.<\/p>\n

In other words, young evangelicals are often bringing an entire trunk full of baggage into their marriages \u2014 just like Mark and Grace Driscoll did. \u00a0The Driscolls meet this audience exactly where they are.<\/p>\n

Real Marriage<\/em> first gives them hope, but it gives hope in the right way \u2014 not by creating unrealistic expectations of incredible supernatural triumph over guilt and shame but instead by letting couples know that it is normal and expected that past sins will cause present problems. \u00a0Don\u2019t panic. \u00a0Seek God and work through it day by day. \u00a0You are not failing in your marriage if it takes literally years to get through and past sin and shame.<\/p>\n

The book also points couples to God for fulfillment, not each other. \u00a0This may seem like an obvious and elementary point, but again young readers are likely infected with the idea their spouse is their main source of happiness. \u00a0\u201cYou complete me\u201d is a common refrain from people who are young and in love. \u00a0Yet we have a hole in our heart that no human being can fill, and if we think our spouse can or should fill it, then we\u2019re dooming ourselves to a lifetime of disappointment and anger \u2014 even if married to the best spouse in town.<\/p>\n

I remember talking to a friend of mine who\u2019s wife left him after many years of marriage (and four children). \u00a0\u201cShe just wasn\u2019t happy,\u201d he said. \u00a0\u201cAnd nothing I could do would make her happy.\u201d<\/p>\n

We don\u2019t live to make our spouses happy. \u00a0In fact, the very quest rests on not one, but two, faulty assumptions. \u00a0First, we can\u2019t make people happy. \u00a0That\u2019s not in our power. \u00a0Second, one of the key reasons why that\u2019s not in our power is that our spouses often don\u2019t even know what will make them happy. \u00a0They don\u2019t know what they want. \u00a0Try and fail, and you earn their contempt. \u00a0Don\u2019t try at all, and you receive their anger.<\/p>\n

Real Marriage<\/em> respects biblical roles for men and women. \u00a0The concept of male headship may not appeal to our culture, but it is, after all, God\u2019s model for marriage. \u00a0We can try to dance around it, soft-pedal it, and even deny it \u2014 but there it is. \u00a0Still in the Bible. \u00a0Of course Mark and Grace Driscoll provide all the proper caveats that leadership is not license for domination and properly point to Christ as the model, but they don\u2019t shy from the core truth. \u00a0It\u2019s a truth that people may not think<\/em> will make them happy, but biblical models are rarely the models we\u2019d fashion for ourselves.<\/p>\n

Finally, the book does really get into the very raw details of sexuality \u2014 complete with a chapter that lists sex acts and discusses whether they\u2019re permissible for married Christians. \u00a0It feels a bit gimmicky to me, and I don\u2019t agree with all of it (a couple times I thought, \u201cDid he just say that<\/em> was okay?\u201d), but if they say they get frequent questions along those lines, I believe them. \u00a0That\u2019s where the book bogged down for me, but not for everyone (judging from other reviews).<\/p>\n

The book places great emphasis on married friendship (rather than marital romance), and I think \u2014 on balance \u2014 that\u2019s a good thing. \u00a0I\u2019ve heard more than a few sermons about men continuing to \u201cwoo\u201d their wives, and it all sounds rather exhausting and, frankly, sappy. \u00a0The bottom line message of this book, however, isn\u2019t on trying various techniques to improve your marriage but on understanding that our fallen and broken nature will continue to manifest itself, and this reality demands that we not only show grace but also that we temper expectations and look to Christ for our fulfillment.<\/p>\n

Had this book existed 16 years ago, and if I had ears to hear its message (and the courage to apply its lessons), it could have made a real difference in our marriage. \u00a0Experience is certainly a more harsh taskmaster than Mark Driscoll.<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I know I\u2019m coming late to the Real Marriage party, but I finally finished the book (don\u2019t blame me for being slow! I also had some sic-fi and apocalyptic fiction to read, and zombies always trump marriage books). \u00a0Before I deliver my verdict \u2014 if you care to read it \u2014 let me begin with […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":31,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[202,52,201],"class_list":["post-1067","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-mark-driscoll","tag-marriage","tag-real-marriage"],"yoast_head":"\nThe Only "Real Marriage" Review You'll Ever Need to Read<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"I know I'm coming late to the Real Marriage party, but I finally finished the book (don't blame me for being slow! 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