{"id":959,"date":"2013-07-17T01:38:38","date_gmt":"2013-07-17T06:38:38","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/geekgoesrogue\/?p=959"},"modified":"2013-11-07T16:43:40","modified_gmt":"2013-11-07T22:43:40","slug":"geek-goes-rogue-reviews-sharknado","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/geekgoesrogue\/2013\/07\/geek-goes-rogue-reviews-sharknado\/","title":{"rendered":"Geek Goes Rogue reviews SHARKNADO!"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

From Geek Goes Rogue TV Editor Zach Lorton, who has a hankering for swordfish:<\/em><\/p>\n

Last Thursday, July 11th, I celebrated my 10th anniversary with my beautiful wife, Julie. \u00a0As that was happening, the rest of the interwebs celebrated the \u201cSharknado\u201d phenomenon. \u00a0I may be late to the punch on this one, but only because there was no way I was going to watch \u201cSharknado\u201d on my anniversary.<\/p>\n

I DVR\u2019ed it, though. \u00a0Oh yeah.<\/p>\n

And since there was such a huge web presence talking about it last week, SyFy is showing an encore presentation of the movie this Thursday night. \u00a0Well, in case you haven\u2019t been indoctrinated yet, or if you haven\u2019t watched but are just as curious as the next person, I present to you my real-time review of the made-for-TV movie, \u201cSharknado\u201d.<\/p>\n

Hold tight. \u00a0Spoilers, bad dialogue, and other stuff. \u00a0But really, you knew what was coming.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

0:01:05 \u2013 Opening. \u00a0Countless fins in the ocean, a funnel cloud swirling over the surface of the water, and the Sharknado title just disintegrated from the force of the CGI winds. \u00a0Could this give us a glimpse of what\u2019s to come?<\/p>\n

0:02:20 \u2013 Why is an anonymous Asian man in a suit drinking from a small bowl?<\/p>\n

0:03:10 \u2013 Exactly how does this guy know there are 20,000 sharks heading their way? \u00a0Oh, look, he\u2019s got a gun. \u00a0Asian guy looks nervous.<\/p>\n

0:05:16 \u2013 Oops. \u00a0Looks like a shark found a crewman. \u00a0And he\u2019s eating him like a snake would eat its prey, shoving him down its gullet. \u00a0I don\u2019t think this movie is going to be very accurate.<\/p>\n

0:06:24 \u2013 Remember in\u00a0Jaws<\/em>\u00a0how Robert Shaw\u2019s character talked about the sea turning red? \u00a0Well, the Sharknado has claimed its first official \u2018nado victim, and the mist in the air turned red. \u00a0Strap in.<\/p>\n

0:07:05 \u2013 Note to screenwriters: T&A is not \u201cscenery\u201d.<\/p>\n

0:08:36 \u2013 The \u2018nado has a name \u2014 it\u2019s David. \u00a0So there are 20,000 Davids? \u00a0\u2026..aaaand John Heard gets grabby with the eye candy bartender.<\/p>\n

0:10:46 \u2013 Two surfers, sitting on their boards, waiting for a wave. \u00a0Ironically, this shot contains the calmest waters I think we\u2019re going to see in the whole film.<\/p>\n

0:12:40 \u2013 Okay, a guy just got bit by a shark while standing knee-deep.<\/p>\n

0:12:49 \u2013 Oh, there\u2019s the fin. \u00a0He\u2019s in the 4-foot section.<\/p>\n

0:14:25 \u2013 \u201cThese sharks of yours have got no etiquette.\u201d<\/p>\n

0:14:55 \u2013 When he said, \u201cWe need a tourniquet,\u201d and Eye Candy bartender in the bikini said, \u201cHere, use this,\u201d and reached behind her to untie something, I would not have been surprised if she had taken off her top. \u00a0That\u2019s where this movie seems to be heading. \u00a0It was just her serving apron, though.<\/p>\n

0:15:12 \u2013 \u201cSharks don\u2019t like vegemite.\u201d<\/p>\n

0:16:55 \u2013 Okay, she\u2019s WAY too eager to jump Ian Ziering\u2019s bones. \u00a0He\u2019s your boss, girl. \u00a0I guess she thought about taking her top off after all.<\/p>\n

0:17:48 \u2013 No, News people, global warming is NOT the reason. \u00a0Knock it off.<\/p>\n

0:23:25 \u2013 Apparently, the ocean is flooding. \u00a0The OCEAN.<\/p>\n

0:25:13 \u2013 Shark through the window? \u00a0Meet pool cue.<\/p>\n

0:25:49 \u2013 All four of the characters we\u2019ve been following grab weapons as they abandon the bar. \u00a0Ian Ziering\u2019s character, Fin, grabs a handgun, Eye Candy grabs a shotgun, and the Australian guy (why is there always an Australian in bad sea monster movies?) grabs a baseball bat. \u00a0John Heard? \u00a0He grabs his precious barstool. \u00a0So far, he\u2019s doing the best acting out of everyone.<\/p>\n

0:25:59 \u2013 That man running away from the carnage in the middle of the crowd looks bored.<\/p>\n

0:26:57 \u2013 Line that should have been used: \u201cSmile, you son of a \u2026.!\u201d<\/p>\n

0:27:32 \u2013 For future reference \u2014 if a ferris wheel is chasing you, and it can obviously go in only one direction, RUN IN A DIFFERENT DIRECTION.<\/p>\n

0:30:47 \u2013 Do you really think your energy is best spent identifying which kind of shark it is? \u00a0THERE ARE SHARKS IN THE STREETS. \u00a0THIS IS NOT NORMAL.<\/p>\n

0:38:00 \u2013 Okay, John Heard. \u00a0Everyone knows that the 405 freeway in southern California is one of the worst highways in the country for gridlock. \u00a0Even people who don\u2019t live in L.A. and have NEVER been on that highway know this. \u00a0And yet you suggested the 405 is the best way to Beverly Hills?<\/p>\n

NOTE: Oh yeah, I\u2019m blaming the actors for these bad lines, not the screenwriters. \u00a0They should all know better, but at least the screenwriters aren\u2019t having to say these lines themselves.<\/em><\/p>\n

0:39:29 \u2013 Blood splatter on the windshield is tastefully wiped away by the windshield wipers. \u00a0The most artistic part of the movie so far.<\/p>\n

0:40:31 \u2013 Okay, John Heard just used his barstool to break a car window and rescue a golden retriever. \u00a0All he has to do is get his arm bitten off by one of the sharks, then he can strap the stool to his arm and make it his new hand,\u00a0Evil Dead II<\/em>\u00a0style.<\/p>\n

0:40:38 \u2013 Wait! \u00a0John Heard! \u00a0You left your stool on the ground! \u00a0Well, there go my lofty hopes for implausible action.<\/p>\n

0:40:52 \u2013 Yeah, a wall of water just crashed over the freeway wall, dumping sharks onto John Heard, whose response was \u201cOh, crap!\u201d \u00a0Yeah, you know what should have followed that? \u00a0\u201cI left my stool on the ground!\u201d<\/p>\n

0:43:34 \u2013 Okay, that piece of towel or whatever it is that\u2019s stuck to their windshield wiper is really starting to drive me nuts.<\/p>\n

0:44:32 \u2013 Aren\u2019t sharks in a Sharknado supposed to come from the sky? \u00a0What are they doing coming up out of the sewer?<\/p>\n

0:51:32 \u2013 It just now struck me \u2026 does anyone else think the writers were lazy by naming the main character Fin?<\/p>\n

0:52:48 \u2013 \u201cLooks like it\u2019s that time of the month.\u201d \u00a0Really, Australian Guy? \u00a0REALLY??<\/p>\n

0:55:14 \u2013 A house just disintegrated from all the sharks swimming through it, even though IT WAS UP A HILL.<\/p>\n

0:57:14 \u2013 \u201cThe storm is dying down.\u201d \u00a0\u201cHow can you tell?\u201d \u00a0\u201cNot as many sharks flying around.\u201d \u00a0Okay, I have to say, that was brilliant.<\/p>\n

1:06:53 \u2013 A shark jumped out of the water and is chasing Fin UP THE ROPE. \u00a0This doesn\u2019t happen in the water.<\/p>\n

1:09:16 \u2013 \u201cMy mom always told me Hollywood would kill me.\u201d<\/p>\n

1:15:45 \u2013 [Loud bang on car] \u00a0\u201cWhat was that?\u201d \u00a0I\u2019ll give you a hint. \u00a0What\u2019s long, has a few of the the main character\u2019s first name attached to its body, and has been found EVERYWHERE you\u2019ve been today?<\/p>\n

1:16:42 \u2013 The car everyone\u2019s riding in suddenly stops. \u00a0\u201cWhy did we stop?\u201d \u00a0\u201cIt must be flooded.\u201d \u00a0Stop, you\u2019re killing me, stop.<\/p>\n

1:16:57 \u2013 I\u2019m sorry, how exactly is a car supposed to explode, even with a fuel leak, when there\u2019s no fire to be found?<\/p>\n

1:20:19 \u2013 \u201cNow we\u2019re never gonna get to Van Nuys.\u201d \u00a0Trust me, lady, there\u2019s nothing in Van Nuys worth your time.<\/p>\n

1:30:44 \u2013 In a small airplane hanger, one young woman gets sucked out of a hole in the roof, even though nothing else in the room moved. \u00a0Talk about an isolated storm system. *rimshot*<\/p>\n

1:32:14 \u2013 \u201cWe can\u2019t just wait here and wait for sharks to rain down on us again.\u201d \u00a0Well, heck, why not? \u00a0You\u2019ve made it this far on pretty much nothing.<\/p>\n

1:32:50 \u2013 \u201cStand back. \u00a0I have the key.\u201d \u00a0Eye Candy blasts a shot into the door of a supply closet that we later find has many tanks of propane inside. \u00a0Turns out it\u2019s a magic key.<\/p>\n

1:36:31 \u2013 \u201cNobody thinks this is cool.\u201d \u00a0Wow. \u00a0The layers of subtext\u2026<\/p>\n

1:38:18 \u2013 \u201cThey TOOK my grandfather. \u00a0That\u2019s why I really hate sharks.\u201d \u00a0\u201cNow I really hate sharks, too.\u201d \u00a0It almost writes itself, folks.<\/p>\n

1:38:28 \u2013 I like how the bomb Australian Guy rigged has a winking smiley face on it.<\/p>\n

1:43:30 \u2013 Is it me, or does Tara Reid look only about 10 years older than the guy playing her obviously 18-year old son?<\/p>\n

1:45:28 \u2013 \u201cWe\u2019re gonna need a bigger chopper.\u201d \u00a0Nope, sorry. \u00a0Doesn\u2019t work. \u00a0Not even as an homage. \u00a0This movie isn\u2019t smart enough.<\/p>\n

1:47:10 \u2013 Fin just held up a running chainsaw, and the shark flying towards him was bisected by it. \u00a0Now, come on, that\u2019s fun for everyone.<\/p>\n

1:47:52 \u2013 According to the closed captioning (which is horribly wrought with grammatical errors, BTW), as a shark is gnawing on the Australian guy\u2019s leg, the only thing he says is, \u201cWhy?\u201d \u00a0I\u2019ll give you three guesses, Australian Guy, but I have a feeling you\u2019re only gonna need one.<\/p>\n

1:48:55 \u2013 \u201cIt\u2019s about to tear through the city of LoaaAAAAHHH!\u201d<\/p>\n

1:49:50 \u2013 Shark falls out of the sky, rips off a young guy\u2019s arm, who immediately screams. \u00a0Then the same shark goes to work on his leg until, spitting blood, he passes out from the pain. \u00a0Then a hammerhead shark lands on his head. \u00a0Best death in the movie so far.<\/p>\n

1:51:05 \u2013 We just torched your pool, old people. \u00a0You\u2019re welcome.<\/p>\n

1:53:02 \u2013 So, while stabbing a shark that has grabbed onto the helicopter she was riding in (you know, as sharks will do), Eye Candy slips and falls out of the chopper, only to be immediately eaten by another flying shark in what has to be one of the best alley-oops I\u2019ve ever seen.<\/p>\n

1:56:25 \u2013 It\u2019s rainin\u2019 sharks. \u00a0Hallelujah, it\u2019s rainin\u2019 sharks.<\/p>\n

1:57:10 \u2013 Fin revs up the chainsaw and leaps INTO THE MOUTH of a flying great white. \u00a0Not since\u00a0Reign Of Fire<\/em>\u00a0have we seen something that wicked.<\/p>\n

1:58:07 \u2013 Fin\u2019s bloody exodus from the shark is like some sort of terrifying birth, especially since it\u2019s the EXACT SAME SHARK that ate Eye Candy. \u00a0And it\u2019s been flying around for 5 minutes. \u00a0But no matter, Fin\u2019s got her in tow.<\/p>\n

1:59:18 \u2013 \u201cI really hate sharks.\u201d \u00a0PETA is going to crap its pants when it sees this movie.<\/p>\n

1:59:30 \u2013 For some reason, this gaggle of old people coming out of the home reminds me of the gathering of gangs in\u00a0The Warriors<\/em>. \u00a0Beware the night.<\/p>\n

2:00:05 \u2013 Tara Reid kisses Fin, but not before painstakingly wiping the shark blood away from his mouth. \u00a0Now that\u2019s one of the few things in this movie that made sense.<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

From Geek Goes Rogue TV Editor Zach Lorton, who has a hankering for swordfish: Last Thursday, July 11th, I celebrated my 10th anniversary with my beautiful wife, Julie. \u00a0As that was happening, the rest of the interwebs celebrated the \u201cSharknado\u201d phenomenon. \u00a0I may be late to the punch on this one, but only because there […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1636,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6,235,116],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-959","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-movies","category-movie-reviews","category-the-conjuring-coverage"],"yoast_head":"\nGeek Goes Rogue reviews SHARKNADO!<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"From Geek Goes Rogue TV Editor Zach Lorton, who has a hankering for swordfish: Last Thursday, July 11th, I celebrated my 10th anniversary with my\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/geekgoesrogue\/2013\/07\/geek-goes-rogue-reviews-sharknado\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Geek Goes Rogue reviews SHARKNADO!\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"From Geek Goes Rogue TV Editor Zach Lorton, who has a hankering for swordfish: Last Thursday, July 11th, I celebrated my 10th anniversary with my\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/geekgoesrogue\/2013\/07\/geek-goes-rogue-reviews-sharknado\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"The Rogue\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2013-07-17T06:38:38+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2013-11-07T22:43:40+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"http:\/\/wp.patheos.com.s3.amazonaws.com\/blogs\/geekgoesrogue\/files\/2013\/07\/sharknado_3.jpg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Zach Lorton\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Zach Lorton\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"8 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/geekgoesrogue\/2013\/07\/geek-goes-rogue-reviews-sharknado\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/geekgoesrogue\/2013\/07\/geek-goes-rogue-reviews-sharknado\/\",\"name\":\"Geek Goes Rogue reviews SHARKNADO!\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/geekgoesrogue\/#website\"},\"datePublished\":\"2013-07-17T06:38:38+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2013-11-07T22:43:40+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/geekgoesrogue\/#\/schema\/person\/82fa58b85deafd4056e6778084242091\"},\"description\":\"From Geek Goes Rogue TV Editor Zach Lorton, who has a hankering for swordfish: Last Thursday, July 11th, I celebrated my 10th anniversary with my\",\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/geekgoesrogue\/2013\/07\/geek-goes-rogue-reviews-sharknado\/#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/geekgoesrogue\/2013\/07\/geek-goes-rogue-reviews-sharknado\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/geekgoesrogue\/2013\/07\/geek-goes-rogue-reviews-sharknado\/#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/geekgoesrogue\/\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"Geek Goes Rogue reviews SHARKNADO!\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/geekgoesrogue\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/geekgoesrogue\/\",\"name\":\"The Rogue\",\"description\":\"Rogue Stuff.\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/geekgoesrogue\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":\"required name=search_term_string\"}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"Person\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/geekgoesrogue\/#\/schema\/person\/82fa58b85deafd4056e6778084242091\",\"name\":\"Zach Lorton\",\"description\":\"Zach W. 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