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Adoptive parents develop radar for insensitive language and story lines pretty quickly.\u00a0 Wes Anderson\u2019s simplistic treatment of adoption in The Royal Tenenbaums<\/em> (We\u2019re not biological siblings? Let\u2019s make out!) stuns me. Arrested Development<\/em>, usually brilliant, employs a similar incestuous twist between adoptive siblings at the end of the series, implying that adoption just doesn\u2019t \u201ccount\u201d when it comes to defining families.<\/p>\nThese aren\u2019t the only examples of adoption as questionable entertainment. Despicable Me, The Jungle Book<\/em>, and Juno<\/em>, all present varying levels of cringe-worthy plot points and lines.<\/p>\n So why didn\u2019t I consider this risk when buying tickets to see a student production of Annie, Jr.<\/em>? In my enthusiasm to support my friend\u2019s kids and hear \u201cHard-Knock Life,\u201d I didn\u2019t consider the obvious subject matter\u2013and our adopted seven-year-old son\u2019s reactions.<\/p>\n But as soon as the curtain opened and a young couple left a baby on the doorstep, I stiffened. Samuel had never been orphaned. Still: what did he think and feel, when the mother kissed the baby in the basket and walked away?<\/p>\n Soon, the hero\u2013the adoptive parent\u2013comes through. Daddy Warbucks lives in a mansion and provides Annie with servants and beautiful dresses. Isn\u2019t this any child\u2019s dream?<\/p>\n However, Annie never forgets the people who left her on Miss Hannigan\u2019s doorstep. She craves that biological connection.<\/p>\n At one point, she cries to Mr. Warbucks for her \u201creal\u201d mom and dad.<\/p>\n Real.<\/em> I hear the term frequently from people who mean no harm, but it implies I\u2019m a stand-in, a babysitter, not a flesh-and-blood mother. And by flesh and blood, I mean feeding his tummy and cleaning out his ears, taking him to the emergency room when he splits his forehead in a fall.<\/p>\n My husband Jeremy nudged me. We knew we couldn\u2019t let \u201creal parents\u201d go as our second-grader strained his neck to see what would happen next.<\/p>\n We knew we\u2019d be a slightly different family after the curtain closed.<\/p>\n Samuel has known his entire life that we adopted him at two days old. His birth mother, Hannah, chose our family from a stack of portfolios when she was seven months pregnant, and we met twice before her due date.<\/p>\n At the hospital, I met the biological father, who I\u2019ll call Jake, briefly. Quiet and understandably awkward, he hid behind a dark curtain of hair.<\/p>\n From that point forward, we\u2019ve seen Hannah and her parents several times a year. My husband has backpacked with Hannah\u2019s father, and I\u2019ve traveled with her mother. Just this spring, Samuel sent Hannah Flat Stanley his class project.<\/p>\n Hannah\u2019s family considers all five of us, including our biological daughters, part of their own. Yet there is no question that my husband and I are Samuel\u2019s mom and dad.<\/p>\n Jake is a different story.<\/p>\n There hasn\u2019t been much involvement since the birth, though Jake\u2019s presence at the hospital was itself, according to our social worker, a rare occurrence. A picture of him sitting with Hannah and newborn Samuel in the hospital is a powerful addition to the baby book.<\/p>\n Samuel, Hannah, and Jake met up at a McDonald\u2019s a couple of years ago, Jake marveling at his mini-me\u2019s disappearing, smiling eyes.<\/p>\n There was no point in explaining Jake\u2019s role to Samuel, though, for my son hadn\u2019t yet learned the facts of life. He knew he\u2019d grown in Hannah\u2019s tummy, not mine, but had no idea how he got there.<\/p>\n Concerned about how Annie, Jr. <\/em>would influence Samuel\u2019s view of his place in our family, my husband and I decided to open a conversation on the way home.<\/p>\n \u201cSamuel, who are your real parents?\u201d my husband asked.<\/p>\n \u201cUm, you and Mom.\u201d He kicked the seat, and I shot him a corrective glare.<\/p>\n Jeremy peered in the rearview mirror. \u201cSo what did Annie mean when she talked about her \u2018real\u2019 parents?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cLike her birth-mom?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes. Like Hannah,\u201d I said. \u201cShe carried you and gave birth to you. That\u2019s very important in her life and in your life.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYep, I know.\u201d<\/p>\n Jeremy continued: \u201cSometimes people use the word \u2018real\u2019 when they mean biological. But we don\u2019t use that word because it\u2019s not quite right.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYeah.\u201d<\/p>\n Jeremy reached back and patted Samuel\u2019s leg. We looked at each other and shrugged: That was easy.<\/em><\/p>\n Of course, we hadn\u2019t talked about the social implications of \u201cgood\u201d parents having money, or adoptive parents \u201csaving\u201d children from despair\u2013as if adoption were a good deed and not a complex, multidimensional manner of forming a family.<\/p>\n But we were happy to quit while we were ahead. After all, Samuel was just shy of eight.<\/p>\n \u201cSo who\u2019s my birth dad?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n I glanced at Jeremy. What did Samuel know about babies getting made? And what about the rapt audience of two giggling older sisters in the car?<\/p>\n \u201cSo\u2026\u201d I started slowly. \u201cYou remember that guy you met at McDonald\u2019s? Hannah\u2019s friend Jake? That\u2019s your birth father.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOhhhhhh,\u201d Samuel said. \u201cHe\u2019s in my baby book.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes. He wanted to be there when you were born.\u201d<\/p>\n Although I\u2019m not friends with Jake on Facebook, I\u2019ve occasionally browsed his photos to show my close friends. This time, I showed them to Samuel.<\/p>\n \u201cYou look just like him,\u201d I said, pointing to a scrunchy smile.<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t have a beard!\u201d he shouted. Then he took my phone and looked more carefully. \u201cActually, yeah. He looks like me.\u201d<\/p>\n Jeremy glanced in the rearview mirror again. \u201cMaybe we can see Jake again. At McDonald\u2019s.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cCool!\u201d Samuel said, and gave a thumbs-up. \u201cDad?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYeah?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat happens when astronauts fart on the moon?\u201d<\/p>\n And so the birth father reveal was complete, the first of many conversations to come. But for now, Samuel had an answer that made sense and he\u2019d remained himself while taking a major step forward.<\/p>\n When I told Hannah about the conversation, she texted Jake, who, delighted, expressed interest in planning another get together. Then, abruptly, like his biological son, he switched topics.<\/p>\n Parenting is always a balance between protection and risk. Had we decided to shield Samuel from the awkwardness of Annie Jr.<\/em>, we wouldn\u2019t have had the discussion\u2013yet. In fact, it was because <\/em>Samuel saw both a man and woman leave the baby that the concept of a birth father clicked.<\/p>\n Adoption, like many life events, is a process of confusion, discovery, pain, and joy. The sun will come out tomorrow. Or maybe the rain. And we\u2019ll take it as it comes.<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n Image above is by Kat Grigg, licensed by Creative Commons.<\/p>\n
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