We\u2019ve all done it, whether intentionally and out loud or in our minds and hearts. We\u2019ve questioned a happening. Why? Why me? Why now?<\/span><\/span><\/p>\nI was 25 weeks into my first pregnancy when things took a turn for the worst. Or so I thought, at the time. Baby\u2019s movements came to a sudden halt. That\u2019s when what I like to call \u201cthe stubborn why\u201d\u00a0began. I was calling the doctors frantically, demanding an answer. I was seen every day that week, but no one was able to satisfy my desperate need for answers. \u201cBaby\u2019s\u00a0 fine, just sleeping\u201d they would say. \u201cGreat heart beats,\u201d they\u2019d repeat. And that is when the stubborn why started to spread and ache my mind and heart. Things weren\u2019t fine, I wanted to yell out. I know what I feel!<\/p>\n
And I did. The week ended. Key word, ended. I was sent to the hospital to be monitored, perhaps since the office staff was tired of hearing my complaints.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo heart beats,\u201d were the last three words I heard. For a few moments, I couldn\u2019t even cry, let alone speak. All I could hear and think about was a screaming \u201cwhy?!\u201d inside of me.<\/p>\n
The rest is history, as they say.\u00a0 I was induced and was in labor for nearly 30 hours. Thirty painful hours. Not so much physical pain as it was mental. I would sleep and wake up, almost forgetting where I was and why. My mother and even my husband were more like still objects. The nurses and doctors would come in and out to check on me, but I couldn\u2019t concentrate on anything but the aching \u201cwhy\u201d. Oh how stubborn that \u201cwhy\u201d could be. All until it was over. Or I now like to think of it as when it all began.<\/p>\n
I gave stillbirth to my first child, a most beautiful child, an angel rather, lovely, tiny, doll-like, baby girl. That is when I was clear and free of any question. As I looked down at the wonderful gift I was holding, I found myself whispering \u201calhamdulellah\u201d. I felt blessed, even though my blessing was not breathing. Allah tests us in all sorts of means, and this was my test. It has made me stronger, more grateful, and closer to Allah. May Allah give us patience and rid us of the stubborn why.<\/p>\n
Hoda
<\/span>Hoda is a wife and a mother to a stillborn daughter in heaven and an almost one year old son. She is an elementary school teacher in public school and lives in Virginia.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"We\u2019ve all done it, whether intentionally and out loud or in our minds and hearts. We\u2019ve questioned a happening. Why? Why me? Why now? I was 25 weeks into my first pregnancy when things took a turn for the worst. Or so I thought, at the time. Baby\u2019s movements came to a sudden halt. That\u2019s […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1572,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6,16,22],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-740","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-spirituality","category-motherhood","category-self-development"],"yoast_head":"\n
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