{"id":1089,"date":"2012-04-18T21:32:55","date_gmt":"2012-04-18T21:32:55","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/irreverin.com\/?p=1089"},"modified":"2013-02-10T11:17:06","modified_gmt":"2013-02-10T18:17:06","slug":"dear-church-its-not-you-its-us","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/irreverin\/2012\/04\/dear-church-its-not-you-its-us\/","title":{"rendered":"Dear Church: It’s Not You, It’s Us"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

\"\"<\/a>It is no secret: vocational ministers are burning out, leaving the Church,\u00a0 and experiencing a rise in stress-related health problems.\u00a0 I\u2019m grateful that this issue is getting some attention lately in mainstream media<\/a>, and also for the good work of organizations like The Lilly Endowment<\/a>.\u00a0 These folks are\u00a0taking proactive measures to curb the trend. They not only help raise awareness; they help equip congregations and pastors with resources, better practices, and networks of support to keep everyone healthy and happy.<\/p>\n

And while\u00a0churches\u00a0have a great deal of liability in matters of \u201cclergy killing,\u201d I think it is important that pastors say out loud to\u00a0our congregations: you are not entirely the problem. We are.<\/p>\n

While I do not presume to speak\u00a0for all clergy everywhere, I can tell you that, across the board, most people who feel called to pastoral ministry tend to be fixers, do-ers, and dreamers. Furthermore, at least in some small measure, we are performers and people-pleasers.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ll translate what all this means: We DREAM <\/em>of being\u00a0able to DO<\/em> something that will FIX <\/em>everything. And then, we\u2019d like to be told that we did it all just right.<\/p>\n

And i don\u2019t mean we want to fix our respective congregations, or neighborhoods, or immediate friends and family.\u00a0 What we\u2019d REALLY like\u00a0is for\u00a0all those things be perfect already, so we can go about managing the rest of the world. Small things, really, like global warming, peace in the east, and poverty. Not necessarily in that order.<\/p>\n

Perhaps I exaggerate. But i do think, at the heart of every minister\u2019s calling, is a bit of a\u00a0savior complex that not even Jesus can help us with. And there is the rub. The Church does not always want to be saved by us. And neither, it turns out, does the world.\u00a0 Sometimes, believe it or not, our own friends and families <\/em>do not want us to be the boss of them. Can you imagine?<\/p>\n

These are painful truths to live with. Especially when we live with them, unaware of their pull on us.<\/p>\n

To the end of promoting my life-balance and self-care, my church does everything\u00a0right: they give me ample vacation time, sabbatical, retreat\u00a0and continuing ed time; they even give me resources to fund all these things.\u00a0\u00a0<\/em>And I still manage to get run-down and exhausted several times a year.<\/p>\n

So in many cases, the church cannot be blamed. It isn\u2019t even that we, the pastors, are over-scheduling and extending ourselves. \u00a0It is that we carry a mental weight around all the while\u2013and even in those blessed \u201coff\u201d times\u2013making it hard to rest. We are always scanning the world\u00a0for sermon material; always aware of that-which-is-broken (and furitively looking for glue); and at any given moment, gearing up for\u2013or down from\u2013a \u2018performance\u2019 moment.\u00a0 The work of carrying that self-imposed burden around\u00a0can render\u00a0us fragile, exhausted, and vulnerable to the first hint of criticism.<\/p>\n

A few other factors in\u00a0fatigue\u00a0that are not the fault of the congregation:<\/p>\n

\u2013A growing \u2018performance culture\u2019 in every aspect of our shared lives. <\/em>These days, it practically starts in the womb: people want, and expect, to be entertained at every moment. In the car, at work, in \u2018waiting\u2019 places, and\u2013you\u2019d better believe\u2013on the weekends. Maybe it\u2019s worse in an affluent suburb, but i feel an increasing pressure to make worship not just meaningful, but also\u00a0fun\u00a0and\u2013i hate this word\u2013\u201cinspirational.\u201d\u00a0This is not a healthy dynamic for those of us who are already, shall we say, applause hounds.<\/p>\n

\u2013A \u201cFamily Last\u201d culture\u00a0 <\/em>While our politicians talk about \u201cfamily values\u201d (in the interest of being \u201cinspirational\u201d) there is little in our society that actually points to\u00a0a shared valuing of families. Like affordable, accessible healthcare; affordable, accessible child care; generous family leave policies in the corporate world for the making of babies, or the care of aging parents. In fact, quite the opposite is true.\u00a0\u00a0Much of life-as-we-know-it speaks to the tragic de-valuing <\/em>of family. So, lord help us all when women ministers want to also be mothers; or male ministers have children, and also a wife with a career;\u00a0or single pastors want to adopt children on their own. Even though my congregation has been extremely supportive of my evolving work\/family balance, I still get strange looks from neighbors when i mention that my husband is a stay-home dad.\u00a0 The church cannot control the effect that has on my psyche, nor should they be expected to. It is up to me to process how that makes me feel, and why.<\/p>\n

Which brings me to, \u2014a culture that looks at you funny when you say you\u2019re a minister. <\/em>In an age of increasing hostility towards organized religion\u2013and all that represents in public imagination\u2013it is getting alot harder to tell strangers that\u00a0you are a \u00a0minister.\u00a0You can see the wheels turning, you can see the judgements being made, you can see the walls going up\u2026 Not only does that make it hard to do \u201cneighborhood outreach,\u201d it is a painful reality for (did i mention?) we who are addicted to being loved and adored in every frame.<\/p>\n

Knowing these truths about myself, and the world in which i live and serve, helps me to not blame my people\u2013or the big-C \u201cChurch,\u201d as a body\u2013when i get frustrated, exhausted, or just weary of the world.\u00a0 But awareness is only half the battle. We\u2019ve also got to find healthier ways of coping with our big, complicated selves.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

In Naked Spirituality<\/a>, Brian McLaren shares a painful truth about the patterns of burn-out, the cycles of elation and defeat, that go with this pastoral territory.\u00a0 And he talked about learning to shape his days, not in terms of what he could\/must get done, but rather \u201cwhat God is doing in the world, and how I can be a part of it.\u201d<\/p>\n

I\u00a0felt like he was knocking on the door of my worn-out heart a little bit.\u00a0I find\u00a0that passage full\u00a0of\u00a0painful truth-telling, and powerful freedom. \u00a0If we\u2013pastors and congregations\u2013could learn this spiritual practice of moving through the world, perhaps we could all be saved a great deal of stress and heartbreak. And maybe, in some cases, the expense of anti-depressants and blood pressure meds. (BTW, it is not lost on me that the Lilly foundation, who perhaps stands to benefit most from all these drugs we\u2019re needing, are the ones out in front of the charge to get us all healthier. Say what you will about evil pharmaceutical companies, but i\u00a0dig that).<\/p>\n

To be clear\u2013there is no shame in needing professional help to deal with depression or anxiety. But perhaps, if we all work together, we can make sure that the Church is never, ever, about the business of inflicting pain that needs medicating. Even if that means we\u2013do-ers, dreamers, performers\u2013must quit inflicting it on ourselves, in the name of Jesus.<\/p>\n

I think there\u2019s a healthy equation to be learned from all this destructive love: Awareness+accountability=alive.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Which is to say,\u00a0if pastors and churches live in awareness<\/strong> of the systems and personalities that contribute to the problem, we can set up healthy systems of accountability<\/strong>: and everyone comes out alive. <\/strong><\/p>\n

Again,\u00a0I can only speak for myself, what I see and experience\u2026\u00a0But it isn\u2019t about me;\u00a0nor is it about You, big-C Church.\u00a0This is about US\u2013the great sacred, capital-U, all-encompassing US, that makes\u00a0for the Body of Christ in the world. In the post-post-modern age, as the Church discerns what it wants to be when it grows up, we\u2019ve got to be having these conversations about personal and social liabilities to ministry. With any luck\u2013and with a great, whopping deal of grace\u2013there will\u00a0still be an\u00a0Us to speak of, this side of glory. And we will\u00a0all be doing our part to live, and live well, into this life of faith and discipleship.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

Photo via flickr BlakJakDavy<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

It is no secret: vocational ministers are burning out, leaving the Church,\u00a0 and experiencing a rise in stress-related health problems.\u00a0 I\u2019m grateful that this issue is getting some attention lately in mainstream media, and also for the good work of organizations like The Lilly Endowment.\u00a0 These folks are\u00a0taking proactive measures to curb the trend. They […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1154,"featured_media":2392,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1089","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"yoast_head":"\nDear Church: It's Not You, It's Us<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"It is no secret: vocational ministers are burning out, leaving the Church,\u00a0 and experiencing a rise in stress-related health problems.\u00a0 I'm grateful that\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/irreverin\/2012\/04\/dear-church-its-not-you-its-us\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Dear Church: It's Not You, It's Us\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"It is no secret: vocational ministers are burning out, leaving the Church,\u00a0 and experiencing a rise in stress-related health problems.\u00a0 I'm grateful that\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/irreverin\/2012\/04\/dear-church-its-not-you-its-us\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Irreverin\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2012-04-18T21:32:55+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2013-02-10T18:17:06+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/333\/2012\/04\/sabbath1.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"240\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"180\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Erin Wathen\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Erin Wathen\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"7 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/irreverin\/2012\/04\/dear-church-its-not-you-its-us\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/irreverin\/2012\/04\/dear-church-its-not-you-its-us\/\",\"name\":\"Dear Church: It's Not You, It's Us\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/irreverin\/#website\"},\"datePublished\":\"2012-04-18T21:32:55+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2013-02-10T18:17:06+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/irreverin\/#\/schema\/person\/d952aeacf2fb5d80629d6718167a6013\"},\"description\":\"It is no secret: vocational ministers are burning out, leaving the Church,\u00a0 and experiencing a rise in stress-related health problems.\u00a0 I'm grateful that\",\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/irreverin\/2012\/04\/dear-church-its-not-you-its-us\/#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/irreverin\/2012\/04\/dear-church-its-not-you-its-us\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/irreverin\/2012\/04\/dear-church-its-not-you-its-us\/#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/irreverin\/\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"Dear Church: It’s Not You, It’s Us\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/irreverin\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/irreverin\/\",\"name\":\"Irreverin\",\"description\":\"Seeking the sacred in family, culture, politics, and sometimes, even ministry.\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/irreverin\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":\"required name=search_term_string\"}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"Person\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/irreverin\/#\/schema\/person\/d952aeacf2fb5d80629d6718167a6013\",\"name\":\"Erin Wathen\",\"image\":{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/irreverin\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/b74f7ca70483103d7b13738306adccf4?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/b74f7ca70483103d7b13738306adccf4?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"caption\":\"Erin Wathen\"},\"description\":\"Rev. 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