Let\u2019s play \u201cI Never.\u201d<\/p>\n
No, I\u2019m not about to take us down memory lane to a junior high slumber party. I\u2019m talking about\u00a0examining those things we said we\u2019d \u201cNEVER\u201d do when WE had kids\u2026 and then laughing out loud at\u00a0how na\u00efve\/idealistic\/very well-rested we were before we became parents. Ha ha. We were adorable.<\/p>\n
The church I used to serve shared space with a wonderful preschool. It was the only program in the\u00a0whole metro area that was co-op, so they were always full, with a waiting list. I used to laugh at the\u00a0parents who came the night before registration and camped out in lawn chairs to get their kids into a\u00a0class. Like it was Springsteen tickets or a new Star Wars movie. I would get up really early on registration day and take donuts and coffee to those mothers who braved the elements for their kids\u2019\u00a0education. But I also thought they were nuts.<\/p>\n
I still kind of think they were nuts. However\u2014last week, I went a full hour early to pre-K registration,\u00a0because my little guy is totally attached to his school, and I really wanted him in a particular class\u00a0that is convenient to our schedule.<\/p>\n
So, what I\u2019m saying is I SAID I\u2019d never wait in long lines to get my kid into a school or activity but\u2026<\/p>\n
In the spirit of getting over myself, (which is a healthy spiritual discipline), here are a few more things\u00a0I swore I\u2019d never do\/allow, but had to eat, eventually:<\/p>\n
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- Let my kids watch more than an hour of television\u00a0per day.<\/a><\/strong><\/li>\n
- Buy a toy when it is not Christmas or their birthday.<\/strong>Because sometimes you are on a road trip, and\u00a0$7 can buy you a whole lot of peace and quiet. Like, at least 20 minutes.<\/li>\n
- Give in to a tantrum.<\/strong>\u00a0I know! Don\u2019t respond to terrorism! Mostly, I don\u2019t. Mostly. But some days, it is\u00a0still a long way to bedtime and everybody\u2019s coping skills are shot, and I have to acknowledge that I,\u00a0perhaps\u2014in my weakened state\u2013played a significant role in the epic meltdown that I now have to\u00a0endure. That being the case\u2026 I\u2019ve been known to cave. And recognize that I probably would have said\u00a0yes in the first place, if I weren\u2019t being such a grouch.<\/li>\n
- Let sugar become a food group.<\/strong>\u00a0I never aimed to be a \u2018no sugar\u2019 house. My brother had a friend from\u00a0one of those houses, and that poor kid would come to our house and dust off an entire bag of Oreos in\u00a0about 90 seconds flat, because he was so deprived. It was kind of sad. Birthday cake and warm cookies\u00a0and Halloween candy are among the greatest joys of childhood. Still\u2026 I never meant for sugar to\u00a0become a daily guest at our (nearly) every meal. And yet, there it is. I try to keep it in check with healthy\u00a0stuff, and then I give us some grace to enjoy dessert. Because life is short. And delicious.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
All this said, there are still some \u201cnevers\u201d that I maintain. I know that kids change and the world is\u00a0complicated and stuff happens. But still, it is important to know where your boundaries are as a parent.\u00a0This means articulating values, checking in with your partner, communicating the \u2018whys\u2019 of things with\u00a0kids \u2026 and knowing where you will compromise, and where you won\u2019t.<\/p>\n
Here are the things that I (still)\u00a0won\u2019t do:<\/p>\n
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- There will never be a dvd player in my car, or a computer\/iPad game at the dinner table.<\/strong>\u00a0While we\u00a0give in to the occasional laptop viewing on a long trip, the car is a place from which to view the world.\u00a0Kind of hard to do if there is a screen permanently affixed to the roof over your head. Also, meals are for\u00a0conversation. And even if I didn\u2019t care about talking to my kids at dinner (which I do) I would still care\u00a0that they are definitely going to spill chocolate milk on my Kindle. So there\u2019s that.<\/li>\n
- \u201cBusy\u201d will never be a family value at our house.<\/strong>\u00a0I know there will be seasons when we are rushed,\u00a0over-booked, and exhausted. But as my kids get older, it is important that we have downtime together\u00a0built into the rhythm of our life; and that we don\u2019t let our collective self-worth get wrapped up in how\u00a0much stuff we \u2018do.\u2019<\/li>\n
- I will never call my daughter a princess. I will never tell my son to \u201cman up.\u201d<\/strong><\/li>\n
- I will never compare my children to each other, or pit them against each other for my approval or\u00a0affection.\u00a0<\/strong><\/li>\n
- I will not force religion<\/strong>. This one is especially tricky, because I am clergy. Church, and the Christian\u00a0narrative (at least, our progressive, inclusive version of it) is a big part of my life. I want it to be a big part\u00a0of my kids\u2019 life too. But more importantly, I want them to feel safe in their own home. I will do\u00a0everything that I can to make church a safe place for them too. But if ever, for some reason, it is not, I\u00a0will not sacrifice my relationship with them for the appearance of having them in the front row on\u00a0Sunday mornings. \u00a0Of course, I plan to drag them kicking and screaming for as long as I\u2019m able\u2026 it\u2019s\u00a0biblical! But if ever it starts to feel like a fight about who they are, and not just how they spend their\u00a0time, I\u2019ll gladly forfeit for the sake my kids\u2019 trust.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
What about you? What did you say you\u2019d \u201cnever\u201d do that you can laugh about now? Where do you still\u00a0draw limits and place priorities?<\/em><\/p>\n
I\u2019m sure our lists are as different as our families, but our evolving\u00a0boundaries all have the same intent\u2014to build lasting, meaningful connections with our kids; and to\u00a0make them feel so safe and loved at home that they will be able to do anything, out there in the world.\u00a0I\u2019d love to hear what your \u2018list\u2019 looks like.<\/p>\n
Meanwhile, I\u2019ll be over here putting war paint on my face,\u00a0cranking AC\/DC and pounding coffee to gear up for dance class registration. I know I said I\u2019d never wait\u00a0in line for such a thing, but y\u2019all\u2026 It\u2019s a jungle out there.<\/p>\n
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- \u201cBusy\u201d will never be a family value at our house.<\/strong>\u00a0I know there will be seasons when we are rushed,\u00a0over-booked, and exhausted. But as my kids get older, it is important that we have downtime together\u00a0built into the rhythm of our life; and that we don\u2019t let our collective self-worth get wrapped up in how\u00a0much stuff we \u2018do.\u2019<\/li>\n
- Buy a toy when it is not Christmas or their birthday.<\/strong>Because sometimes you are on a road trip, and\u00a0$7 can buy you a whole lot of peace and quiet. Like, at least 20 minutes.<\/li>\n