I\u2019m sorry if it hurts you to hear that, and I hope that someday you will be able to forgive me for being so direct. It\u2019s only because I love you, and I can\u2019t bear to see you hurt anymore.<\/p>\n
This guy you\u2019ve been seeing\u2026 He is dangerous. He threatens you with violence. He lies to you about your friends and family, trying to isolate you so that he can have more control. He tells you that you\u2019re beautiful, and that he can do anything he wants to you\u2026 And then he decides, on second thought, you are too fat and ugly for him to touch you.<\/p>\n
And then when he wants you again you feel so grateful, you will never leave. This is his plan.<\/p>\n
He intimidates you. He tells you that he has the money, makes the money, that you will never make it without him. He makes you doubt yourself at every turn. He manipulates every conversation and evades every question you ask, until you are so turned around and uncertain, you\u00a0aren\u2019t even sure what you were talking about. But it isn\u2019t your fault. He is a narcissist who feeds off of your insecurity. This is how he makes you small, so he can feel bigger.<\/p>\n
And then he whispers these things to you\u2026 \u201cIf you don\u2019t stay with me, something terrible\u00a0will happen to your children,\u201d he says. And he somehow makes it sounds like a sweet\u00a0promise, in the moment. Although, when you think about it later, you realize it was maybe a threat.<\/p>\n
![\"chains\"](\"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/333\/2015\/05\/chains.jpg\")
<\/p>\n
When you want to make a point, or challenge him, he just gets louder and louder until you give up. Because being with him, day in day out, has left you with not much energy for anything like fighting back. Or leaving.<\/p>\n
So, I see you, is what I wanted to say. I see you shrinking, and consenting to things that you\u2013the \u201cyou\u201d I know\u2013would never, ever think are ok. I see you making apologies, even excuses for him. You say things like \u201cthat\u2019s not really what he\u2019s like,\u201d and \u201cyou don\u2019t know him like I do.\u201d But what I want to tell you is\u2026 that\u2019s exactly what he\u2019s really like. I do know him. I see him for exactly what he is, and I hope and pray that someday you can too.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve been so angry with you, America. I\u2019ve been so seething, heart-racing, mind-bending mad at you. Because I love you, and I can\u2019t stand to see someone do this to you. But I\u2019m done being mad. I\u2019m done resenting\u00a0you for what you cannot see, for buying the lies and letting this bully change who you are. I\u2019m done blaming you. What I want to say to you is that you are loved. You are not alone. And if you want help, it is available. You don\u2019t have to take this anymore.<\/p>\n
You don\u2019t have to vote for him. And you certainly don\u2019t have to make his excuses.<\/p>\n
*<\/p>\n
October is domestic\u00a0violence awareness month<\/a>. While\u00a0this post is political in nature, I do not in any way mean to take away from the real and\u00a0terrifying\u00a0nature of actual abuse, nor do I want to conflate physical abuse with that which is emotional and psychological. But I do want to\u00a0shine a light on the ways in which the GOP Presidential nominee has employed textbook tactics of abusive men<\/a>; and the ways in which\u00a0his candidacy has triggered visceral reactions<\/a> in women who are survivors of all kinds of abuse. Nearly 1 in 3 women\u00a0<\/strong>will be a victim of intimate partner violence in her\u00a0lifetime, and nearly 1 in 5\u00a0<\/strong>will be victims of sexual\u00a0assualt.\u00a0It is\u00a0important to\u00a0point out\u00a0the ways in which his public behavior condones, even encourages, the men who engage in this sort of behavior behind closed doors. <\/em><\/p>\n Having this kind of presence accepted on a national, very\u00a0public stage is dangerous to women. Whether we are talking about men who live in your home, or the men who come after us on Twitter<\/a> when we speak out against misogyny\u2013these are his people. These are the men he rallies. The rest of us need to stop making excuses for him, and stop enabling the culture that he promotes. For my part, I\u2019m\u00a0trying to stop blaming the victim. Because when I hear\u00a0these women<\/a>\u00a0trying to excuse or explain away his behavior, that\u2019s exactly what I see: victims. Other men in their lives have shaped their perception that this is acceptable, so maybe it is not fair to blame them. My\u00a0anger is misguided, and I am reminding myself\u2013mindful of victims of all kinds\u2013where that outrage\u00a0really ought to be directed.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n Meanwhile, if you are in an abusive relationship and need help, please know this: it is not your fault. You are not alone. There is help. Here are some resources, if you or someone you love is in need of assistance. Please reach out today.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n National Resources<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence<\/a><\/p>\n Women of Color Network<\/a><\/p>\n National Domestic Violence Hotline<\/a><\/p>\n VINElink<\/a>, Victim Notification<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n In the Kansas City Area, call<\/strong>:\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n Safehome<\/a><\/p>\n Rose Brooks Center<\/a><\/p>\n Northland Synergy Services<\/a><\/p>\n In Kentucky<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n The Kentucky Coalition Against Domestic Violence<\/a><\/p>\n Center for Women and Families<\/a><\/p>\n In the Phoenix Area:\u00a0<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n New Life Center<\/a><\/p>\n In the Boston Area:\u00a0<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n Victims Rights Law Center<\/a>\u00a0(with links to resources in other areas)<\/p>\n The Network La Red<\/a>\u00a0(for lesbian, bisexual and transgender women)<\/p>\n Asian Task Force Against Domestic Violence<\/a><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n