{"id":453,"date":"2012-09-07T16:27:25","date_gmt":"2012-09-07T20:27:25","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/janetdavis\/?p=453"},"modified":"2012-09-07T16:27:25","modified_gmt":"2012-09-07T20:27:25","slug":"self-compassion-and-friends","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/janetdavis\/2012\/09\/self-compassion-and-friends\/","title":{"rendered":"Self-compassion and friends"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

\u00a0\u201c\u2026through the door of my friend\u2019s compassion for me, self-compassion came and softened my heart\u2026\u201d<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

It was a simple note really, a text I got this morning from a dear friend:<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u201cThinking of you this morning- sending a little love your way.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Surprisingly, that short, thoughtful text message stirred up a great deal of unexpected emotion in me. You see, what was not said, but clearly understood, is that she\u2019s sending me love because she knows how much I need it right now.\u00a0 She is familiar with my pain journey which, at least for today, feels like the story of the woman with the hemorrhage<\/a>:\u00a0
\n<\/sup><\/p>\n

26\u00a0<\/sup><\/em>She had suffered a great deal under the care of many doctors and had spent all she had, yet instead of getting better she grew worse.<\/em><\/em><\/p>\n

Though I haven\u2019t spent all of our money, I am confident that I\u2019ve spent as much money as I personally have made this year in my small business. In addition to time and energy and hope. And I am no better. Only worse. (All right, biomechanically, I am moving better, it\u2019s just that my pain is worse.)<\/p>\n

At first, I didn\u2019t reply to my friend at all.\u00a0 To reply meant to admit that I still hurt.\u00a0 It meant I would be known, once again, as a needy person who is suffering right now.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t want that identity.<\/p>\n

I thought about pretending\u2026 but what\u2019s the use of that?<\/p>\n

So, I replied:<\/p>\n

\u201cThank you friend. I don\u2019t really want to respond because I don\u2019t want to be known as the friend whose pain is not able to be explained and is not going away\u2026 But neither do I want to be alone in this reality so I will risk yet again being honest and hope that asking you to carry this with me is not asking too much.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

To not be alone, to be available for connection, is to be known authentically. To be known right now for me, is to be known as a woman struggling with pain. It\u2019s not all of who I am, clearly, but it is a major piece.<\/p>\n

I cried as I wrote because through the door of my friend\u2019s compassion for me, self-compassion came and softened my heart\u2026 a heart I had not recognized as slowly growing hard \u00a0and stoic within me.<\/p>\n

My tears also opened a new door of curiosity for me: if I feel like the woman with the hemorrhage, maybe she has some wisdom for me. One thing I know about her story is that she broke some rules to find her healing.\u00a0 I am such a rule-follower; but I wondered if I needed to break some rules, too. The ones that came to mind are the rules that add to my own pain and suffering like the ones that say things like:<\/p>\n