Dear Prudence,\u00a0<\/strong>
\nFour years ago, my sweet and loving husband, the awesome father of our three children, was struck down by brain cancer and suffered brain trauma following emergency surgery. I\u2019ve cared for him at home, dealing with the hassles of hospitals, insurance, family drama (his parents blame me for his health issues). He will never recover and he is declining. It is like being married to a 41-year-old Alzheimer\u2019s patient. He does not remember me, our long marriage, or our kids. I\u2019m trying to place him in a nursing home, but there are waiting lists. About a year ago, I met a man who was genuine and kind. As the friendship grew, he began helping with my kids, even helping my husband by playing music and visiting with him. My boyfriend knows I am committed to giving my husband the care he deserves and respects that this is a package deal. Once my husband can be placed in a good facility, I will pursue divorce, while making sure he is properly cared for until he passes on. My boyfriend and I recently found out that, despite using protection, I\u2019m pregnant. We are excited, as once I am legally able, we want to marry. My family is not happy, as in their eyes this is not appropriate, and they have been icing me out. They adored my husband, and have had little chance to get to know my boyfriend, since I live in another state. How can I smooth over my relationship with my family?<\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n\n\n
\u2014Pregnant Caregiver<\/p>\n<\/div>\n
\n
Dear Caregiver,
\nSo your in-laws blame you for your husband\u2019s brain cancer, and your own family disapproves of your finding love again while continuing to be the sole caregiver to your desperately ill and disabled husband. You\u2019re wondering how you can smooth relations with your family, while I\u2019m wondering what their appropriate karmic reward should be. It\u2019s a miracle you\u2019ve been able to keep it together, and you deserve all the joy you can wrest out of life. What an amazing man you have found, one who embraces you and your children, and who has stepped up to help you care for your husband. It\u2019s wonderful you are happy about your new addition, but since marriage is a ways off, I think it would make sense for you and your boyfriend to visit a lawyer and clarify your complicated legal situation. You want to make sure your husband is properly cared for even after he is your ex-husband, and you want to make sure your boyfriend is prepared to care for your new child even in the absence of a prompt marriage. As for your family, they deserve nothing but scorn for their attitude, and for apparently not being there to help you provide care for your husband and your suffering children, but I understand you don\u2019t want to create a breach that would be even worse for the kids. I suggest you try to arrange for them to visit the grandparents. Your children need their extended family, and they also need a break from their dying father. Maybe that visit will provide a bridge to better communication. But you do not have time to spend energy on those who aren\u2019t worthy of it. I hope your husband\u2019s end is peaceful, and that your life moving forward is filled with happiness.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/blockquote>\n
\n
\u2014Prudie<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Presuming the letter is real, there\u2019s a lot that\u2019s puzzling: \u00a0did the surgery actually successfully treat the surgery, and just leave him severely mentally disabled? \u00a0Is he actually dying, or physically disabled? \u00a0Logistically, how would one divorce a newly-cognitively-disabled spouse? \u00a0Would there be a court-appointed guardian to look out for his interests? \u00a0Would she be required to pay \u201calimony\u201d or even be unable to sever him from the family finances? \u00a0And, if she did so, would she still be able to, in fact, make sure \u201che is properly cared for\u201d if she no longer has any legal relationship, or would the law allow her to be a guardian, but no longer a spouse, or would the State pass on the guardianship to his parents, who would presumably place him in a Medicaid nursing home or use whatever funds are at their own disposal?<\/p>\n
And,\u00a0as always, one shouldn\u2019t draw too many conclusions from a single perhaps fictional letter-writer and an advice columnist, but it\u2019s always instructive to read the comments, where there are disputes about whether the wife should have stayed true to her vows, or whether becoming severely mentally disabled in some fashion releases her from the vows, because he either \u201cas good as dead\u201d or in any case, \u201cnot the same person.\u201d \u00a0Certainly, Prudie seems to think that the letter-writer has done nothing wrong. \u00a0And how far does this go? \u00a0Under what scenarios is infidelity acceptable \u2014 terminal illness, permanent disability, say from an accident, long-term overseas assignment? \u00a0Or is this scenario just waiting for someone to advocate for polygamy, to allow the woman to marry her new lover while retaining the ties to her current husband?<\/p>\n
\u00a0<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
The following is from Slate\u2019s advice column, Dear Prudence \u2014 and, to be honest, some of her letters are so far-fetched that I wonder how often they\u2019re purely invented by the letter-writers, but here goes: Dear Prudence,\u00a0 Four years ago, my sweet and loving husband, the awesome father of our three children, was struck down […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2209,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3169","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"yoast_head":"\n
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