Yeah, another visit home.<\/p>\n
Usually, I try to keep the family stuff limited to cute stories about the kids. \u00a0After all, I blog anonymously as \u201cJane the Actuary,\u201d but I occasionally share things on facebook (the noncontroversial things, like recipes and cute stories), and it\u2019s always possible that family members have read other parts of the blog besides what I\u2019ve directly shared, though no one\u2019s every said anything to that effect, and, so far as I know, they\u2019re just not blog readers in general. But I\u2019m feeling mighty frustrated so am going to violate my usual rule, in the hopes that perhaps some readers have experiences they can share that might moderate the frustration a bit.<\/p>\n
Dad, as some longtime readers may know, had a fall, April a year ago, and hit his head, spending until September in the hospital, then at rehab, then in the hospital again (brain surgery, due to blood clots), then at rehab again. \u00a0And he hasn\u2019t been the same since, even though the neurologist pronounced him all healed up. \u00a0My sister arranged for some neuropsychological testing, this past spring, which produced the answer that the symptoms we\u2019re seeing aren\u2019t those of a brain injury so much as a pre-existing mild dementia that was significantly worsened by the injury.<\/p>\n
Now, had you asked me, say, two years ago, about dementia, I would have said that that\u2019s just an old term for what we now call Alzheimer\u2019s, though the recent news about Robin William\u2019s Lewy body dementia has brought about some awareness that dementia is more than just memory loss, and if you look at a site such as alz.org<\/a>, there are a number of types of dementia, and Dad\u2019s symptoms match those of vascular dementia, according to the Mayo Clinic\u2019s online information<\/a>:<\/p>\n Confusion Our visits home have ups and downs. \u00a0Back at Labor Day, we were pleased that we were able to engage him in a game of hearts, an improvement over the prior visit where we couldn\u2019t get him to even play, or the visit before, when he sat down with us for Uno and Yahtzee but struggled to play the games correctly. \u00a0(They live in the Detroit area, so it requires a long weekend, with an empty calendar, for us to be able to come.) \u00a0This Thanksgiving, he was just back from another stint in rehab, after a gallbladder removal operation, and he was in worse shape than before \u2014 he had lost weight, he was depressed, it was hard to get him to engage, and he just wanted to sit in his chair in the family room, staring straight ahead, for much of the afternoon, until, roused a bit, he asked mom to turn the TV on to Wheel of Fortune or Jeopardy.<\/p>\n We\u2019d had The Talk before \u2014 that is, the \u201cyou should move to a retirement community\u201d talk. \u00a0But this time we were more aggressive and more specific, making the pitch that they should stay at the CCRC near us that offers a 90-day trial \u2014 and making the pitch to Mom, since Dad has no real ability to make decisions like this any longer \u00a0but, we thought, would be persuaded if Mom was willing.<\/p>\n \u201cNo obligation,\u201d we said. \u00a0\u201cThink of it like a long vacation,\u201d we encouraged. \u00a0\u201cWe\u2019ll pay,\u201d we promised. \u00a0And when that wasn\u2019t enough, we moved on to, \u201cwe\u2019re very worried about Dad, and staying in this house is a one-way path; he\u2019s only going to get worse, until he falls, or can\u2019t climb the stairs any longer, or has another stay in the hospital that saps his strength further, resulting in a crisis situation. \u00a0(The house is a colonial; conceivably the 1st-story den could be remade into a bedroom, but there is a step from that main area with the kitchen, to the family room and bathroom.) \u00a0Coming to visit\u00a0FV is a positive choice you can make that will improve his quality of life, and keep him more engaged, and improve your life as well\u201d \u2014 because Mom doesn\u2019t get out much, other than to the senior lunch at the community center, and she\u2019s in good health only in comparison to Dad. \u00a0Having scheduled activities, including exercise classes, and a pool for water exercise, and restaurant meals and maid service included in the price, and the opportunity to socialize and develop friendships with others in similar situations, would do a world of good.<\/p>\n As you can tell, we failed. \u00a0More frustratingly, we thought, upon returning home, that we had succeeded, only to hear, afterwards, that they\u2019d backed out.<\/p>\n How do you help someone who doesn\u2019t want to be helped? \u00a0Mom manages to pay the bills mostly on time, so far as we can tell, but there are other issues with their finances that they need help sorting out. \u00a0She can\u2019t keep the house clean. \u00a0Dad ought to see a proper gerontologist rather than the same doctor he\u2019s seen for decades. \u00a0And these are just the superficial issues.<\/p>\n So we\u2019re back to square one.<\/p>\n It is, in some ways, similar to being a parent, say, of a college student, recognizing that\u00a0their kid is an adult with every right to make\u00a0decisions on their own, but worrying about whether they\u2019ll make the right decisions, and go to class on time, or party and sleep in instead, with a risk of harsh consequences if they fail. \u00a0Though, in that case, the consequences aren\u2019t generally lasting, and present an opportunity for the kid to learn and move forward. \u00a0In this case, Mom (though perhaps not Dad) is a competent adult, who \u00a0has the right to make her own decisions, but\u00a0the consequences of those decisions can be lasting and serious, with no ability to reverse what\u2019s set in motion \u2014 and, what\u2019s more, in this case, inaction itself has become a decision.<\/p>\n And this is the point in the blog post where I invite you to share your experiences with me.<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Yeah, another visit home. Usually, I try to keep the family stuff limited to cute stories about the kids. \u00a0After all, I blog anonymously as \u201cJane the Actuary,\u201d but I occasionally share things on facebook (the noncontroversial things, like recipes and cute stories), and it\u2019s always possible that family members have read other parts of […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2209,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3339","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"yoast_head":"\n
\nTrouble paying attention and concentrating
\nReduced ability to organize thoughts or actions
\nDecline in ability to analyze a situation, develop an effective plan and communicate that plan to others
\nDifficulty deciding what to do next
\nProblems with memory
\nRestlessness and agitation
\nUnsteady gait
\nSudden or frequent urge to urinate or inability to control passing urine
\nDepression<\/p><\/blockquote>\n