Chicago Tribune columnist Eric Zorn\u2019s blog<\/a>, on marriage, which got me to thinking.<\/p>\nIn a response to the question of whether upper-middle-class, or more often poor women, are single mothers, a commenter said, in discussing upper-middle-class single-moms-by-choice who never get married but still want a child, \u201cMany women these days are much pickier than they used to be in terms of finding a mate (which is a whole different discussion as to whether this a result of women\u2019s lib and greater career opportunities) and many forego getting married as they are not willing to \u2018settle\u2019 for a subpar relationship simply so they can \u2018achieve\u2019 the goal of getting married, which many no longer see as a huge priority.\u201d<\/p>\n
But here\u2019s what\u2019s striking:\u00a0 he says \u201cmarriage is no longer a huge priority\u201d \u2014 but having children is.\u00a0 Why would that be?\u00a0 Certainly there are plenty of couples for whom the marriage is important, but they don\u2019t want kids, and other people for whom it\u2019s the reverse.<\/p>\n
My guess is that there\u2019s a big element of maintaining control; for people with this mind-set, to be married is to lose control.\u00a0 Maybe not in the \u201ccontrolling husband\u201d sort of way, but still in the need to compromise to another\u2019s wishes in any number of small or large ways:\u00a0 everything from what to have for dinner to whether to buy a house or a condo to where to live in the first place.\u00a0 And there\u2019s the further less tangible losing control:\u00a0 the fear that your guy, even if he\u2019s great now, will change in the future.<\/p>\n
(Of course, there are women who simply never meet anyone who\u2019s remotely marriage material, but, given the opportunities via e-harmony, etc., I\u2019m not sure that the numbers of women who fall into this category has changed.)<\/p>\n
Of course, that\u00a0implies that having a kid allows one to\u00a0maintain control more than having a husband \u2014 but that\u2019s an even more\u00a0uncertain prospect.\u00a0 You can always divorce a husband if necessary, but you can\u2019t divorce a kid.\u00a0 And even if you\u2019re upper-middle-class with\u00a0tremendous financial\u00a0stability, you\u2019re still at risk of your kid being, well, not what you expect.\u00a0 Being educated doesn\u2019t guarantee you\u00a0that you\u2019ll avoid being regulars at the pediatric\u00a0therapy clinic, doesn\u2019t\u00a0ensure you that you\u2019ll have one of those high achievers rather than a kid who struggles through school.\u00a0 And it certainly doesn\u2019t guarantee that your kid will never stomp up to his room, crying, and slam the door saying, \u201cit\u2019s not fair!\u201d\u00a0 A\u00a0child is an autonomous being, not\u00a0a mini-me, and it seems to me to be a fairly risky endeavor to choose to have a child as a husband-substitute, as someone to provide companionship that\u2019s otherwise missing, especially\u00a0for women who discarded\u00a0prospective mates as not worthy.<\/p>\n
Anyway, this is pure speculation . . . <\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
So there was a thread over at the Chicago Tribune columnist Eric Zorn\u2019s blog, on marriage, which got me to thinking. In a response to the question of whether upper-middle-class, or more often poor women, are single mothers, a commenter said, in discussing upper-middle-class single-moms-by-choice who never get married but still want a child, \u201cMany […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2209,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-724","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"yoast_head":"\n
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