{"id":1094,"date":"2014-06-10T08:26:40","date_gmt":"2014-06-10T13:26:40","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/jenniferfitz\/?p=1094"},"modified":"2015-05-07T14:33:41","modified_gmt":"2015-05-07T19:33:41","slug":"transgender-children-what-is-a-christian-parent-to-do","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/jenniferfitz\/2014\/06\/transgender-children-what-is-a-christian-parent-to-do\/","title":{"rendered":"Transgender Children: What is a Christian Parent to Do?"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

With assorted news articles profiling the lives and stories of various transgender children, the question arises: How should parents respond if their children express a desire to identify with the opposite sex?<\/p>\n

My comments here aren\u2019t medical advice \u2014 and if you are seeking medical advice, know that you\u2019ll get all kinds of answers from the useless or the dangerous to the truly helpful. \u00a0May the Lord bless you with lots of the truly helpful.<\/p>\n

Rather, what follows are grounded in my experience as a parent and the few hints we can pull together from Catholic moral teaching. \u00a0Give my comments some thought, but bring your own heart and brain to the problem as well. \u00a0You\u2019re the parent.<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

In my experience with gender and sex troubles, I\u2019ve seen three broad categories of \u201cgender confusion\u201d problems. \u00a0I\u2019ll address each in turn, starting with the most common and ending with the most difficult.<\/p>\n

1. Not Actually a Sex Thing<\/h2>\n

Here\u2019s a story from a friend of mine: \u00a0Her two-year-old son, a sweet, orderly child with a cherubic disposition (when he isn\u2019t terrifying his mother by jumping down the staircase), came to his mother one day and asked to wear a pretty dress like his favorite toddler girl friend wore to church on Sundays.<\/p>\n

Mom ignored her inner panic button, and asked a few questions. \u00a0What they determined: He wanted to dress up. To wear formalwear. \u00a0Something snazzy.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, darling, you know they make dress clothes for boys. \u00a0Would you like that? \u00a0Would you like to get dressed up for church?\u201d<\/p>\n

He nodded and gave his charming little toddler \u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n

Mom produced a dapper bow-tie and vest, and they put together a suitably stylish outfit. \u00a0 \u00a0Everyone was happy: This was, in fact, exactly what her little boy wanted.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve seen this in countless variations: She wants to be a boy scout not a girl scout \u2014 it turns out the boys are going on more interesting trips, and she has a taste for action and adventure. \u00a0He\u2019s more comfortable with the girls than with the boys \u2014 turns out he doesn\u2019t like being shoved around by the brutes in his class. \u00a0All her best friends are boys \u2014 turns out she\u2019s the only girl in her advanced math group, so she sits with boys most of the day.<\/p>\n

None of these are gender issues, not at all. \u00a0To treat them as \u201cgender problems\u201d would be to create a new problem without solving the real problem. \u00a0Address the real problem.<\/p>\n

2. I Don\u2019t Fit the Mold<\/h2>\n

One of the things I loved about playing in the SCA<\/a> was the brilliant combination of egalitarianism and complementarity, substance and style. \u00a0You could be a manly-man \u2014 hard to top beating other people with sticks for that \u2014 and still be courtly, poetic, artistic, and exquisitely dressed. \u00a0Because the SCA ranges over a period of a thousand years, no matter your personality there is bound to be a culture or story that expresses your inner-you in a way that modern stereotypes just don\u2019t.<\/p>\n

For all the lip service we give to \u201cbeing yourself\u201d, our culture can be as dreadful a straightjacket as any other. \u00a0If you don\u2019t fit the bland sports-n-stuff \u201cboy\u201d mold, people assume you\u2019re gay. \u00a0If you don\u2019t fit the hyper-sexualized \u201cgirl\u201d mold, people assume you\u2019re a prude. There are a few slots open in acceptable alternative categories, but heaven help you if you\u2019re a high school student who doesn\u2019t fit one of the approved cliques. \u00a0What if you\u2019re not a \u201cdrama club person\u201d or a \u201cband person\u201d or \u201cgoth\u201d or \u201cpreppy\u201d or \u201cathletic\u201d but you\u2019re just a person? \u00a0A complex, nuanced, utterly unique person?<\/p>\n

In the same way, it\u2019s possible for a girl to identify most with her father and brothers, or a boy to identify most with his mother and sisters, for simple lack of a same-gender role model who resonates. \u00a0If you don\u2019t fit in with all the guys or all the girls, and you do seem to fit in well with the \u201cwrong\u201d gender friends and family around you, it\u2019s easy to have a passing thought of, \u201cI should have been born a ________.\u201d<\/p>\n

Again, the response is not to panic or to read more into the situation than is warranted. \u00a0Instead, look for ways to respond to the real need your child has to spend time and build friendships with \u201cpeople like me\u201d. \u00a0The cure for a boy who likes too many \u201cgirl-hobbies\u201d isn\u2019t to shame him into forced-football; it\u2019s to find a friend who is both comfortable in his masculinity and also takes an interest in the same kinds of endeavors. \u00a0Many pursuits that we think of as being \u201cgirl things\u201d or \u201cboy things\u201d during childhood turn into gender-neutral occupations later in life, even if they are more often pursued by one sex or the other.<\/p>\n

Likewise, as much as we can delight in, say, the lovely femininity of a young woman who dresses in pretty, stylish clothing, it\u2019s important that we don\u2019t reduce our understanding of male-female complementarity into some crude stereotypes, as if authentic womanhood all comes down to swishy skirts, lace doilies, lipstick and a good manicure. \u00a0Ask yourself: What would Laura Ingalls do? Then go climb a tree or shoot a bear or something.<\/p>\n

3. Deep Seated, Undeniable Sexual Tendencies<\/h2>\n

Disorders of sexual arousal happen. \u00a0I won\u2019t theorize on the causes, and for practical purposes the causes don\u2019t much matter. \u00a0Because, I joke around a little here, relax, please allow me to be purely hypothetical, a pickle-fetish isn\u2019t a \u201cthing\u201d in modern America (okay, maybe it is, I don\u2019t want to know), if your child has a deep seated tendency to get aroused at the smell of pickle relish, you\u2019ll probably never find out. \u00a0He\u2019ll just feel like a freak and keep his mouth shut. More important to know: Certain disorders of arousal are so openly despised that if your child experiences one, he may well hate himself.<\/p>\n

Because transgender and homosexual orientations are both accepted and widely-practiced cultural identities, if your child experiences such an inclination there is going to be a strong pull to run with it, and claim the identity and the community that go with; we all want to belong to a community where we are accepted. \u00a0Know that there is a small but real and growing community of Christians (and others) who openly admit they experience same-sex attraction or gender-disorder<\/a>, but choose to live chastely<\/a>.<\/p>\n

All children need, at the appropriate point in their education and under their parents\u2019 supervision, to be told how to respond to these kinds of problems. \u00a0Self-hatred is never the solution. \u00a0Chastity is the rule for all \u2014 there are no special exceptions. We all do our best to live chastely.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s important to both recognize the difficulties that may arise, and at the same time not make too big a thing of it. \u00a0If you aren\u2019t attracted to people of the opposite sex, perhaps marriage is not your vocation. \u00a0You aren\u2019t exactly alone in lacking such a vocation, and God will make the most of the wonderful person that is you regardless of your state in life. \u00a0But the fact that you struggle with this powerful and difficult-to-quell sexual desire or inner conflict does not define you. \u00a0It\u2019s a thing you have to deal with, but it\u2019s not you<\/em>. \u00a0You are something much bigger than this or that difficulty in your life<\/strong>.<\/p>\n

\"File:Bucium-Vorone\u0163.JPG\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Closing comments because this is an exquisitely sensitive subject, and I don\u2019t want my readers (of any persuasion or opinion) to be attacked in the combox. \u00a0If you find it helpful, super. \u00a0If it\u2019s not helpful, please keep looking around, and quietly decline to share this one.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

Art courtesy of Wikimedia [Public Domain]<\/em><\/a><\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

With assorted news articles profiling the lives and stories of various transgender children, the question arises: How should parents respond if their children express a desire to identify with the opposite sex? 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