In that vein, let me quickly affirm a few truths about modesty:<\/p>\n
- \n
- Yes, other people must learn to practice self-control in word, thought, and deed.<\/li>\n
- Yes, there are cultural differences that influence what is and is not considered modest behavior.<\/li>\n
- No, it\u2019s not my responsibility to bear unjust burdens because you want an excuse to behave like a boor.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
These things are true. \u00a0And these are the reasons that modesty, in all its forms, is about\u00a0mutual<\/em> respect.<\/p>\n
There Is No Modesty in Heaven<\/h2>\n
Modesty is an accommodation to our fallen world. \u00a0It is an act of consideration. If there were not envy, greed, avarice, and pride, we would not need to worry about whether we are flaunting our wealth. \u00a0In Heaven, you don\u2019t have to hide the jewels in your crown. \u00a0What you possess is yours, rightfully yours, and no one will be able to accuse you of showing off if our Lord decides to robe you in haute couture. \u00a0(I guess it\u2019s all haute, up there.)<\/p>\n
In Heaven, there will be no adultery. \u00a0You won\u2019t have to worry that skipping off to a quiet cloud for a long, fascinating one-on-one conversation with that cute guy in the glorified stigmata is going to tempt one of you to break your vows.<\/p>\n
Part of your eternal reward will be an absolute certainty that you have arrived at your highest calling. \u00a0If your neighbor in the next Heavenly mansion has some hot-shot solo in the Choir of Angels & Other Persons, you won\u2019t secretly burn with jealousy and wish he\u2019d just SHUT UP ALREADY as he goes on and on about that tricky piece they\u2019re going to be performing at the next banquet.<\/p>\n
You\u2019ll be free of all that. \u00a0People won\u2019t have to act with modesty around you. \u00a0You won\u2019t need them to.<\/p>\n
Here On Earth, We Show Respect for the Weaknesses of Others<\/h2>\n
Because humans are so varied in their strengths and weaknesses, what constitutes modest behavior varies from one situation to the next. \u00a0My mother-in-law might reasonably brag for half an hour about the accomplishments of her eldest granddaughter (my niece), and I\u2019m all ears. \u00a0I love, love, love those stories. \u00a0Thrilled to be associated with such a neat person. \u00a0Always glad to hear more good.<\/p>\n
My same mother-in-law will, in Christian charity and humane common sense, refrain from going on and on about her accomplished granddaughter in the company of the colleague who wishes desperately for grandchildren and never had any, or the young client whose best friend was killed in a terrible accident the weekend before graduation. \u00a0In a circle of fellow grandmothers, she\u2019ll practice a moderate middle \u2014 sharing a few stories, and then letting others have their turn.<\/p>\n
This is modesty. \u00a0A frank tell-all openness in some circles, a careful and generous erring on the side of consideration in a few unusual cases, and a middle ground \u2014 neither giving away too much nor too little \u2014 in most circumstances.<\/p>\n
Modesty Always Relates to Another<\/h2>\n
You can commit many sins locked alone in your bathroom, but immodesty is not one of them. \u00a0Modesty is always with regard to another.<\/p>\n
Because modesty is relational, the same action can have vastly different meaning depending on the audience. \u00a0A man might, among his colleagues, confess to his money troubles in all humility: \u00a0\u201cI\u2019m having the hardest time finding a good tax accountant who really knows how to handle estates in the $5-10 million range. \u00a0Any ideas?\u201d \u00a0The exact same statement, disclosed to the parish men\u2019s group in an honest attempt to relate to the fellow who just asked for prayers about his financial situation, will be perceived as the height of impertinence and callousness if his neighbor\u2019s financial situation is one of desperate poverty.<\/p>\n
We cannot, of course, know the secret struggles of every person we encounter. \u00a0My brother was on a camping trip with a group from his wife\u2019s work (civil engineers \u2013 they play in the dirt and get paid for it), and a colleague announced she\u2019d baked a cake to celebrate a special anniversary. \u00a0My brother is an Eagle Scout, always prepared: \u201cWonderful! \u00a0Hey, I\u2019ve got a bottle of wine in the truck!\u201d \u00a0Awkward silence. \u00a0It was the anniversary of her fifth year of sobriety.<\/p>\n
In our encounters with others, we begin at a usually-reliable middle. \u00a0If we discover an unusual need for discretion, we scale back and tone down. \u00a0Not out of fearful shame, but out of simple courtesy. \u00a0We let the other, the one with the significant struggle, give us cues about how much or how little accommodation he needs.<\/p>\n
Modesty is Not Slavery<\/h2>\n
Our respect for the weaknesses of others doesn\u2019t require us to live in some prison of suppressed existence, with the passive-aggressive \u201cvictim\u201d acting as warden and torturer-in-chief.<\/p>\n
Mrs. Childless has been suffering from infertility for years. \u00a0We strike a balance in our conversation, neither refusing to ever mention Jennifer\u2019s Children Whose Existence Must Not Be Acknowledged Lest It Cause Mrs. C Undue Pain, nor feeling that every time some slight inconvenience of motherhood attends, the first thing I should do is call Mrs. C and whine for half an hour. \u00a0Mrs. C doesn\u2019t get to march into every cocktail party and loudly announce, \u201cThere Will Be No Photographs of New Babies Displayed, and Pregnant Mothers Must Stay in the Back Bedroom.\u201d<\/p>\n
To the contrary: As best she is able, Mrs. C will delight in her friends\u2019 happiness, and rejoice in the beauty and life that each new baby brings to the world. \u00a0And we who have been so blest will, in turn, take heed when Mrs. C admits that sometimes it\u2019s all a little too much, and there are a few small kindnesses we could show her during moments of weakness, when grief overwhelms.<\/p>\n
Sexual Attraction is Not Lust<\/h2>\n
It is normal and good to want to earn a decent living for your family. \u00a0It is vile to be consumed by greed. \u00a0It is normal and good to desire a large family. \u00a0It is vile to be consumed by envy. \u00a0It is normal and good for a woman to be attracted to a man who shows her kindness, respect, and admiration. \u00a0It is vile for her to abandon her husband in order to run off with such a man. \u00a0It is normal and good for a man to find a woman\u2019s beauty riveting. \u00a0It is vile for him to be consumed with lust.<\/p>\n
Somewhere in between perfect detachment and vile sin is the range of ordinary human weakness in which modesty operates.<\/p>\n
If we were all perfectly detached from the goods of this world, we could with perfect equanimity rejoice when our friends feasted, with no regard for our own lack. \u00a0We could appreciate the kindness and beauty of others, with never a moment\u2019s temptation towards impurity. \u00a0It would be Heaven.<\/p>\n
Modesty is not the response to greed, envy, adultery and lust. \u00a0No amount of modesty can keep these sins from consuming the one who consents to them.<\/p>\n
Modesty is, rather, the set of kindnesses we show others in recognition of their striving after virtue:<\/p>\n
- \n
- He doesn\u2019t want to be jealous of your wealth, so it would be helpful if you\u2019d put the Rolex away before you came to serve lunch at the homeless shelter.<\/li>\n
- She doesn\u2019t want to be tempted to leave her taciturn, doltish-but-faithful husband, so it would be helpful if you, her single-again male boss with the charming smile, didn\u2019t bring her flowers every week in appreciation of her hard work at the office, then take her out to lunch, alone, and listen for an hour to all her troubles.<\/li>\n
- He doesn\u2019t want to be thinking about your breasts during Mass, even though they are beautiful enough that yes, your guardian angel smiles beatifically as they heave when you belt out the\u00a0Sanctus;<\/em> perhaps you could wear a shirt that covers them all the way?<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
Does it mean you must dress in rags, conceal every sign of God\u2019s blessing in your life, and cover every hint of masculine or feminine charm, lest some poor soul be led into depravity unwittingly?<\/p>\n
By no means. \u00a0I repeat: By no means.<\/p>\n
Modesty Reveals by Concealing<\/h2>\n
Several years ago I had the pleasure of meeting up with a group of internet friends at a real-life retreat. \u00a0Because we had known each other for years, and because we had met on one of those moms\u2019 forums where ladies share all kinds of prayer requests and personal struggles, I had the odd experience of meeting \u201con the outside\u201d people I\u2019d only previously known \u201con the inside\u201d.<\/p>\n
In addition to confirming that I\u2019m horrible at remembering both names and faces, but that I rarely forget a good story, I had the surreal revelation of the difference between what we think we know and what is true. This one was recently widowed. That one had buried a stillborn son. This one was newly-engaged after a bitter divorce and painful annulment. \u00a0From the outside you could see none of these things. \u00a0You had to get to know the person.<\/p>\n
Modesty is about subduing the externals that distract so that we can first know the internals that matter. \u00a0 Mr. Rich isn\u2019t \u201cWealthy, handsome, picture-perfect family.\u201d \u00a0He\u2019s a man with a story of love, loss, frustration and small triumphs. \u00a0Mrs. Successful isn\u2019t \u201cHot shot corporate lawyer job, private jet, vacations in Monaco.\u201d She\u2019s a woman with friends she loves, a mother she dotes on, and a spiritual life she\u2019s trying to nurture as best she can in a difficult environment. \u00a0Miss Ravishing isn\u2019t \u201cPerky breasts, great legs, cute butt.\u201d \u00a0She\u2019s a girl trying to figure out her vocation, get along with her stepfather, and pass AP Chemistry.<\/p>\n
When we push the externals in front of others, we create a fence around ourselves. \u00a0We create a display that distracts people from seeing the real us. \u00a0It\u2019s much easier to be \u201cthat flamboyant ballet dancer hung like a gorilla\u201d than to be a man who dulls his loneliness and insecurity with long hours in the gym, and wishes he had just one good friend who could support and respect him. \u00a0It\u2019s easier to be \u201cThe girl who gets straight A\u2019s\u201d than the girl who wishes people would quit putting her on a pedestal and start helping her with her eating disorder.<\/p>\n
The paradox of modesty is that in deferring to the weaknesses of others, we show respect for ourselves.
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