![\"File:Ophrys](\"https:\/\/upload.wikimedia.org\/wikipedia\/commons\/thumb\/6\/66\/Ophrys_apifera_Bienen-Ragwurz_2014.jpg\/352px-Ophrys_apifera_Bienen-Ragwurz_2014.jpg\")
<\/p>\n<\/p>\n
\u00a0<\/p>\n
It\u2019s that weekend again, and people, nice people, have already started wishing me happy Mothers Day. \u00a0I\u2019m generally a good sport, but if this holiday fell off a cliff into the abyss, I\u2019d be okay with that. \u00a0Specifically, I\u2019d like it to fall off a cliff and be replaced with of multitude of much better holidays.<\/p>\n
I have four children. \u00a0I am expected to do things all the time. \u00a0The last thing I need is a holiday that comes with a to-do list. \u00a0I won\u2019t mention what those items are, because it will cause people to get all huffy about how I\u2019m a terrible person for not wanting to do that one more thing that someone else thinks is a great idea, and really it\u2019s not a bad idea, it\u2019s just that I already have other things people expect me to do, because I am a mother, and that\u2019s how it is.<\/p>\n
Proposed Replacement Holiday:<\/strong>\u00a0 Not Expected to Do Things Day<\/p>\n We could have this once a week. \u00a0Maybe Sundays? I think this one\u2019s already on the books, actually.<\/p>\n It took me a few years to figure it out, but breakfast in bed is way overrated. \u00a0Now what I do is go out Saturday before Mother\u2019s day and get myself food\u00a0that I like<\/em>, and then get up early and make myself\u00a0what I actually want to eat.<\/em> \u00a0And it shows up hot and cooked the way I like it.<\/p>\n Proposed Replacement Holiday:<\/strong> Allowed to Eat What I Want Day<\/p>\n We could do this every day. It\u2019s really not necessary to restrict ourselves to certain days of the year, is it?<\/p>\n In addition to the awkwardness that the traditional blessing-of-mothers imposes* (What if you haven\u2019t announced your pregnancy? What if you don\u2019t feel like discussing that stillbirth?), let\u2019s just cut to the chase: Which mothers are actually hoping to stand around at Mass one more minute than necessary?<\/p>\n The one with the colicky baby? \u00a0The one with the toddler who keeps tying the hymnal bookmarks together? \u00a0Oh, I know \u2014 the one with the bad knees and back from all those years of taking care of babies and toddlers!<\/p>\n There are six mothers in the congregation who have a narcissistic disorder that causes them to crave extra special recognition. \u00a0The rest of us just want to go home and start in on Not Expected to Do Things Day. \u00a0Without having to figure out how to keep that free flower from getting destroyed on the way home.<\/p>\n Proposed Replacement Holiday:<\/strong>\u00a0 Let Me Pray All By Myself with No Goldfish Crumbs Stuck to My Knees\u00a0Day<\/p>\n I think this one is most realistically dispensed in four-minute increments.<\/p>\n ***<\/p>\n There are more reasons to hate Mother\u2019s day, but the starter list gets us going. \u00a0Needless to say, Hallmark really missed the ball not promoting Pick Out the Plants that Will Actually Survive the Summer in Your Yard Day. \u00a0But you get the point.<\/p>\n Wishing you all the best on this No I Don\u2019t Want to Wait Two Hours for Brunch weekend.<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n *Smart priests use the twofold Gift to Mothers formula: Short homily on how children should do their homework and eat their vegetables, and slip that special blessing in real quick while the whole congregation is either sitting or standing together. \u00a0I mean, is it really necessary to\u00a0point out who the mothers are?<\/em> \u00a0If you don\u2019t already know, it\u2019s none of your business.<\/p>\n Also, there is a special extra-blessed circle of Heaven for priests who slip in something about God not wanting us to ever, ever, leave a bottle of nail polish just sitting open someplace, unless the house is actually on fire. \u00a0We can have Preach on Something Useful Day every day of the year, actually. \u00a0I bet Mass attendance would skyrocket.<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n Artwork:Tuxyso \/ Wikimedia Commons \/ CC-BY-SA-3.0 [CC BY-SA 3.0<\/a>], via Wikimedia Commons<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" \u00a0 It\u2019s that weekend again, and people, nice people, have already started wishing me happy Mothers Day. \u00a0I\u2019m generally a good sport, but if this holiday fell off a cliff into the abyss, I\u2019d be okay with that. \u00a0Specifically, I\u2019d like it to fall off a cliff and be replaced with of multitude of much […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1209,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[216,12,362],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3276","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-its-all-catholic","category-liturgical-living","category-not-satire-but-almost"],"yoast_head":"\nMD Evil #2: Other People\u2019s Cooking<\/h3>\n
MD Evil #3: Extra Standing Up at Church, Plus Those Awful Carnations<\/h3>\n