Way back a year-and-some ago when I wrote a\u00a0Christian primer on BDSM<\/a>, a reader complained, and I paraphrase:\u00a0She never explained why<\/strong> BDSM was wrong! \u00a0She just assumed<\/strong> that it was!<\/em><\/p>\n Today is the day I fill in that blank. \u00a0Before you begin reading, please refer to the original post<\/a> for important background info on what BDSM is and how disorders of arousal fit into the moral life.<\/p>\n Sex does a couple things:<\/p>\n There is an alternate standard for sex proposed by our popular culture: Sex is the thing one does with one\u2019s\u00a0genitals or other body parts, with whomever and however one pleases, in order to experience erotic arousal and subsequent satisfaction of that arousal.<\/p>\n This alternate standard is wrong. \u00a0This latter, wrong, standard is what justifies BDSM: If you find it arousing, and those involved find it arousing, then under the popular logic it must be just fine. \u00a0It isn\u2019t.<\/p>\n The reason it is not just fine, and in fact it\u2019s bad for you, is precisely because of the real purpose of sex.<\/p>\n \u2013> This is the moment when some readers will protest that they like the popular standard just fine. \u00a0 We could argue all afternoon about that, and I suppose we\u2019d get just as far as if I tried to prove that the purpose of eating was to nourish your body, or the purpose of driving a car was transportation.<\/p>\n I can provide evidence for all these assertions, but if someone is determined to believe it isn\u2019t so, we\u2019re at an impasse (and my in-laws once used an old car as a tool shed, so there).<\/p>\n Therefore, what we\u2019ll do instead is look at how BDSM is\u00a0incompatible<\/em> with the real purpose of sex, which is the union of man and wife and the procreation of new humans. \u00a0You can indeed drive around with tools in the back of your truck, you can eat cherry pie both for nourishment and to win the pie-eating contest, but you can\u2019t have marital union and BDSM at the same time.<\/p>\n As you know from doing the required reading<\/a>, BDSM refers to erotic practices revolving around dominance, submission, and humiliation.<\/p>\n Marriage is about the lifelong, faithful, fruitful, loving union of a man and a woman who cherish each other, respect each other, help each other, and take care of each other.<\/p>\n Marriage is the joining of two equals, both made in the image of God, both possessing inherent dignity and worth.<\/p>\n It means sending in your manuscript to an editor and hoping it gets accepted.<\/p>\n Oh, okay, there are some other definitions.<\/p>\n We can use the word \u201csubmission\u201d to refer to the acceptance of a legitimate authority. \u00a0You submit to the authority of your employer when you show up for work at the agreed upon time and do the work that you and your boss agreed you would do. \u00a0You submit to the authority of your hosts at the birthday party when you wait patiently to be served your slice of cake rather than digging through the fridge and helping yourself while everyone else is distracted by the opening of presents.<\/p>\n We can speak of spouses \u201csubmitting to one another<\/a>\u201d in the sense of a mutual respect for one another. \u00a0 Inasmuch as the Bible discusses authority structures within a marriage, the explicit message is one of mutual love. \u00a0Marital love seeks to uphold the dignity of the spouse and help each other grow in perfect holiness, which is a source of joy.<\/p>\n In contrast, the word \u201csubmission\u201d in the context of BDSM is about force, degradation, and humiliation. \u00a0Same set of letters, same etymology, same sounds coming out of your mouth; radically different meaning.<\/p>\n Marital intercourse, properly ordered, has this meaning: I treasure you. \u00a0I find you exquisitely beautiful. \u00a0I want nothing more than to be close to you, and to cherish you, and to become perfectly united with you in every part of my life. \u00a0Your body is precious to me. \u00a0Your mind, and your soul, and everything about you is precious to me. \u00a0Being with you is like a completion of myself, in a mysterious way I could hardly explain, but here we are, together, and I could not be happier as a result.<\/p>\n BDSM, in contrast, derives sexual arousal from acting out a relationship of master to slave. \u00a0It is not a union at all, but the ultimate in \u201cothering\u201d the other person. \u00a0The eroticism of BDSM hinges on a lack of unity: One is in power, the other must endure.<\/p>\n Rather than finding fulfillment in bringing out the best and most beautiful of all your spouse brings to the world, BDSM eroticizes degradation and humiliation.<\/p>\n Without wishing to err in an over-generalization, we can say that for many people, BDSM is strictly reserved for the fantasy life. \u00a0This is the justification for allowing the practice:\u00a0We aren\u2019t really<\/strong> doing this, we\u2019re just pretending for a while.<\/em><\/p>\n The eroticism of BDSM, for many participants, depends on the fact that it isn\u2019t real.<\/p>\n We can further see that many other types of pretend are not just allowed but an essential part of the human experience. \u00a0What makes BDSM different?<\/p>\n I\u2019d propose two differences.<\/p>\n The first, which is about fiction and not sex, is that BDSM doesn\u2019t serve the purpose of getting to a greater truth. \u00a0 Good stories and other games of pretend may take us through any number of trials, but they always end with truth, beauty, and goodness affirmed. \u00a0The storyline of BDSM isn\u2019t the triumph of mutual respect over humiliation, or equality over domination \u2014 quite the contrary. \u00a0In acting out BDSM fantasies, one is acting out a lie about what it means to be human.<\/p>\n The second problem is that BDSM is a sexual practice, and sex is not for this. \u00a0Sexual intercourse is not a video game or a movie or a rainy afternoon curled up with a book. \u00a0Your sexual powers are not for your entertainment, they are for uniting yourself with your spouse. \u00a0Good stories, good fiction, lead us towards the truth; good sex is<\/strong> the truth. \u00a0It isn\u2019t a game of pretend.<\/p>\n In the same way that playing firefighter or waitress isn\u2019t the same as actually doing one of those jobs, playing at sex isn\u2019t the same as having sex. \u00a0You don\u2019t pretend at the real fire; you don\u2019t pretend in the real restaurant; you don\u2019t pretend with real sex \u2014 and all sex is meant to be real sex.<\/p>\n I refer you back again to my original post on this topic<\/a>. Human emotions, including strong feelings like pain, pleasure, or sexual arousal, provide useful information \u2014 but not perfect information. \u00a0It is quite possible to\u00a0feel<\/em> something that is not true. \u00a0It is our job as humans to use discernment.<\/p>\n We can look at BDSM and see that it is not in keeping with what we know to be true, good, and beautiful about human life.<\/p>\n We can answer questions like, \u201cWould I feel good knowing I was conceived because my one parent had my other parent chained to the bedpost?\u201d and thus know intuitively that is not the relationship of love into which any person would wish to be born.<\/p>\n Therefore, we must use our power to freely choose our actions in order to decide that, regardless of what we do or don\u2019t feel, we will henceforth act in accordance to what we know is real.<\/p>\n Photo by Uoaei1 (Own work) [CC BY-SA 4.0<\/a>], via Wikimedia Commons<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Quick reminder: I write about adult topics. \u00a0If your kid reads my blog, your kid is traveling in grown-up land. Way back a year-and-some ago when I wrote a\u00a0Christian primer on BDSM, a reader complained, and I paraphrase:\u00a0She never explained why BDSM was wrong! \u00a0She just assumed that it was! Today is the day I […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1209,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[87],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-4782","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-chastity"],"yoast_head":"\nWhat is Sexual Intercourse About?<\/h3>\n
\n
What is BDSM About?<\/h3>\n
What is Marriage About?<\/h3>\n
What does this word \u201csubmission\u201d mean?<\/h3>\n
BDSM vs. Marital Love: Underlying Meanings<\/h3>\n
What if it\u2019s only a game?<\/h3>\n
But what if it\u2019s erotic?<\/h3>\n
![\"File:Laon](\"https:\/\/upload.wikimedia.org\/wikipedia\/commons\/thumb\/a\/a2\/Laon_Cathedral_Vaults_01.JPG\/407px-Laon_Cathedral_Vaults_01.JPG\")
<\/p>\n